Live Outside, Die Inside

Written when I was having some suicidal thoughts and thoughts about how I act in a way that don't show the real me. Enjoy.

Outside he smiles and holds his head up high,

Inside he suffers and just wants to cry,

Outside he speaks of plans to succeed in life,

Inside he wishes to end it all with a knife,

Outside he acts a fool out of nowhere,

Inside there is pain with which no one can compare,

Just know you only have met his fake side,

All his life, Live Outside, Die Inside,

Outside he plays games supposedly for fun,

Inside its memories from which he tries to run,

Outside he seems to live in the moment,

Inside from memory and anxiety he suffers the torment,

If he told you he is fine he lied,

For he is Alive Outside, Dead Inside

Reviews

[Baby Ricochet]

My group (veterans) have quite a high suicide rate. Veterans commit suicide for a myriad of reasons, some of which I'm quite familiar with. I'm not the suicidal type but when I'm having dark spells my anti suicide mantra goes "Hajji couldn't kill me and I'm sure as s**t not doing it for him." Works for me every time, at least so far.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thank you for the service. I actually know someone dealing with PTSD and its a living hell for him not only because of that, but a IED led to his right leg being amputated. Anyway thanks for the review and thanks for serving ^_^

[lovelife]

This is a great write very relatable

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thank you. I have these feelings right now after three people at school and one person in an email just said certain things to me. I will write a poem about what it was about soon and even further point out people are who they are and another addressing anger, describing my feelings.

[lovelife]

ok have a nice day and I am sorry for what you have been through

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Its nothing campared to what I went through years ago. I will live.

[lovelife]

it's hard to live through some stuggles but we can do it

[Chris]

Sometimes "thoughts" are just that - thoughts, not intentions and other times you really "consider" things. Some people have to label everyone - careful who you brand as what. Life ain't fair it just happens.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thanks for the review Chris

[Chris]

THAT was a comment... about what I saw within your words... ever wonder where we learn about hiding? and when?

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

I never even think about it, let alone wonder

[Chris]

it's worth looking inside to see... tells you more about yourself and how you came to be you.

[therisa]

As a survivor of childhood abuse,bullying and unrelated trauma, this poem rings true, for me. Having been diagnosed with PTSD, chronic severe depression and various anxiety disorders, from my past. I wish I could offer you, a possible solution, beyond seeking proper counselling and meds, where warranted. I hope, you never have to face these feeling, ever agian. But know this, you're not alone, in having these feeling. Thank you, for sharing this poem, with us.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

I know I am not alone. The people who showed me that, however, killed themselves (ironic, considering we were in a online group that had one purpose:to help those who needed someone to lean on. I am one of the last 3 members of the total of 13 that didnt commit suicide.) Thanks for the review!!

[therisa]

Am sorry, Travis. You might to look at www.myptsdforum.com as they have section, dedicated to veterans (if you're a vet). It's peer support site. And your welcome.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Not a vet. I am just 18. One of my friends that died was a vet from Iraq.

[therisa]

Am sorry for your lost, Travis. PTSD and grief, know no age limit, sadly.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Yeah......

[Pryde Foltz]

Outside he plays games supposedly for fun,
Inside its memories from which he tries to run,
Outside he seems to live in the moment,
Inside from memory and anxiety he suffers the torment,

The best skill one can learn is to turn off those thoughts when they lead you too far down a dark path. Seriously … just turn them off. Great write, Travis.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Games are one of my biggest coping skills. I love to play puzzle, action, and especially multiplayer games when i am upset. They change my mood and get bad thoughts out my head. Thanks for the review Ms Foltz ^.^

[Pryde Foltz]

Well if you ever want to read something that may also help … please check out my blog. http://prydefoltz.blogspot.ca

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Ok thank you ^_^

[MomzillaNC]

The masks we all wear become a prison, behind which walls we die inside. I don't think there's a person anywhere who hasn't felt a portion of this kind of pain. Sadly, we lose too many (especially young people) who find themselves trapped thusly.

NOTES: Your meter isn't always smooth.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Some cant be lost if they look for ways to cope. I found my coping skill here.

[MomzillaNC]

Sometimes, I wonder how I made it through long enough to get to college, where, finally, a good friend (made in college) helped me find my way.

[Adreamer's Bluejay]

This breaks my heart to read because i am like this, a lot of my friends are this way. It is spot on but it breaks my heart that you could write it so well and understand pain like this. well written. Great job with the rhyming, I like that it flows and doesn't feel forced the way so many other pieces do. I really enjoyed the word choice you've picked. Interesting write.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thank you a lot for the review :)

[Angad Waraich]

A peak into your life, honest and dark.
But like always it better to enjoy and live in the moment and not die in the past and suffer in the future.
Intriguing and honest.
Well done

Thank you for sharing.
-Angad

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thank you, Mr Waraich! As always you are one of the many people on here that make me smile and support me. Though we only know one another on this site, I consider you a friend. You, along with others such as MomzillaNC, paintedphoenix, Pryde Foltz, etc have inspired and helped me in ways no one in person has. I can honestly say it is Poets like you that truly make a difference in my life. I am happy to share this with you.

[Angad Waraich]

Well mate thank you now for your kind words.
And I am Honoured to be your friend.
Cheers and be positive.

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thanks man.

[Kate Henderson]

This is particularly dark which I like, fantastic writing :)

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thank you~

[Rene Salinas]

The dichotomy or inner and outter self. It is quite and astounding set of contradiction in terms. I think the term I am looking for is refered to as dissociation which it can relate to pathology if one is not aware. Two feets cemented on the grounds of reality are a must ! Generally dissociation will be followed by numbness of thoughts and emotions. Heavily supported by medication in some cases anti psychotic drugs.

However only refering to the writing the choice of font is slightly disturbing for me I am not sure if there is reason or logic behind the choice. As you also refer to the real self, I don't think you are alone there as most don't show that side. Hence we become but a mimicry of who we are as we need to comply.

Obviously goes without saying that I hope that you are actively trying to understand the nature of your thoughts and I also hope they will subside so you can go and do something which yearns for life.

Best thoughts for you!

Thankyou.

Thankyou

[Travis "Phoenix" Caldwell]

Thanks for the review. Really, putting thoughts into poetry is apparently a good coping skill for me. This poem was written just last week and it left me feeling better somehow. I think sometimes when trying to cope, people with problems should try poetry as a possible coping skill. As far as the medication stuff you said, it wasnt until I recently had a large decrease in my medication which worsened my suicidal thoughts, attempts, and talk of such. Again thanks for the review! ^_^