The start of something.

I am a person who has a terrible time expressing myself. This is my attempt to break down my boundaries, free myself from anxiety, and let go of my past.

Entry One


     Today is Saturday March 2nd 2013, 2:24 AM. My name is Ethan and this is my first attempt at having a Journal.
I really don't know how to.....write? well i should say type, in a journal. Should i.....talk....to it like "dear journal, today was hard" *snickers*  no, that's not my style. I guess i will just bumble around typing stuff as fast as i can before it floats away into the vast depths of my mind. I mean....where the hell do i begin a "journal"? Birth?! My problems started way before i was even born. i guess i will just start by what i am thinking about right now and try to express whats inside.
     I feel like an outsider to everybody. i feel like I'm always the fifth wheel or that friend or family member that nobody wants around but they keep them around anyway because they feel sorry for you. I don't know why i feel this way, or how to fix it.....but it sucks completely. I'm tired of thinking everything i say or do isn't good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or worth while. Now i KNOW most of this stuff is just my imagination..but i don't know how to NOT feel this. Its like i have two minds.....my irrational, illogical, and fearful mind, then my intelligent, logical, and understanding mind, and they are at war at all times.
     Sometimes i feel empty. no emotion, no motivation, i just shut down and go through the motions. i mean i search and search inside, but nothing. sometimes i get so filled up with anxiety that i feel that i am about to burst! i think its a midlife crisis at age 21 bahahaha! it feels like i have missed my life or its too late to start something because i am so behind in everything. sometimes i have a crippling fear that i am so....so......stupid! They say ignorance  is bliss.....well i KNOW i know so little that this existence can offer....and it just bums me right the heck out.
       I know what it is, i feel like i don't have an identity. i am just here. I am a man behind the scenes. wow how cliche was that?
    

Author's Note

eeeeeh.....kinda nervous about posting these. i am going to try to do one every day.