The start of something.

The start of something.

A Chapter by Ethan Castner
"

I am a person who has a terrible time expressing myself. This is my attempt to break down my boundaries, free myself from anxiety, and let go of my past.

"
Entry One


     Today is Saturday March 2nd 2013, 2:24 AM. My name is Ethan and this is my first attempt at having a Journal.
I really don't know how to.....write? well i should say type, in a journal. Should i.....talk....to it like "dear journal, today was hard" *snickers*  no, that's not my style. I guess i will just bumble around typing stuff as fast as i can before it floats away into the vast depths of my mind. I mean....where the hell do i begin a "journal"? Birth?! My problems started way before i was even born. i guess i will just start by what i am thinking about right now and try to express whats inside.
     I feel like an outsider to everybody. i feel like I'm always the fifth wheel or that friend or family member that nobody wants around but they keep them around anyway because they feel sorry for you. I don't know why i feel this way, or how to fix it.....but it sucks completely. I'm tired of thinking everything i say or do isn't good enough, or smart enough, or funny enough, or worth while. Now i KNOW most of this stuff is just my imagination..but i don't know how to NOT feel this. Its like i have two minds.....my irrational, illogical, and fearful mind, then my intelligent, logical, and understanding mind, and they are at war at all times.
     Sometimes i feel empty. no emotion, no motivation, i just shut down and go through the motions. i mean i search and search inside, but nothing. sometimes i get so filled up with anxiety that i feel that i am about to burst! i think its a midlife crisis at age 21 bahahaha! it feels like i have missed my life or its too late to start something because i am so behind in everything. sometimes i have a crippling fear that i am so....so......stupid! They say ignorance  is bliss.....well i KNOW i know so little that this existence can offer....and it just bums me right the heck out.
       I know what it is, i feel like i don't have an identity. i am just here. I am a man behind the scenes. wow how cliche was that?
    












© 2013 Ethan Castner


Author's Note

Ethan Castner
eeeeeh.....kinda nervous about posting these. i am going to try to do one every day.

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Added on March 2, 2013
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Author

Ethan Castner
Ethan Castner

Gig Harbor, WA



About
Hello there, My name is Ethan Castner and i like to write.....well i try to write that is. I think im pretty funny, i can tell stories for hours on end. I know my writing skills are horrible, but that.. more..

Writing