Still waiting. . .

A never ending love story...

I somehow managed to make my way through the crowd of kolkata station and reached the bus stand. From there it was a three hours bus journey to my home,Asansol. I was returning back from Hyderabad after two years and yes i missed Kolkata-‘city of joy’, its mouth watering varieties of sweets, the trams which gave life to the city, but the thing which i missed the most was the food made by my mother. There is no replacement of whatever she prepares for me. 

Sitting besides the window seat, i tuned to some songs and was lost in memories. Every song had its own feel, own emotions which made me nostalgic. I usually tuned this playlist specially while travelling. After few songs, i was fully lost in my world,closing my eyes and feeling each and every word of the lyrics. Few minutes later, a song played and i started getting flashback of a girl having long straight hairs, gorgeous face. . I stopped the music, removed the headphone and started watching through the window. I noticed that my vision was getting blurred and i rubbed my eyes gently, it was not dust, it was my tears who were taking permission to come out from my eyes and the heart controlled it. . The song was, "main rahoon ya na rahoon . . . Tu mujhme kahin baki rehna" This was the last song which I have listened with my best friend and my one sided love Angela.

Lost in my past memories, i reached Asansol and took a taxi from there to home. It seemed that the whole city was ready to welcome with their own stories. From the Sharma sweets to golgappa stalls, everyone was pleading for a small halt to relive my memories back. Few minutes later i was standing in front of my home and as usual mom was ready to welcome me. I hugged her and then went inside. After having some rest, we had our lunch togethar along with the unstoppable conversations .

 Two days later,while i was watching tv,mom entered my room a bit upset.

" you remember that girl, your best friend Angela . . . . she has came back home after two years of marriage. . . and maybe she is getting divorced. " mom said 

The remote fell from my hands, my face became red, my heart was going to burst. After two long years i heard her name and that too in such a situation. I somehow controlled my emotions and asked                                                                                                       " but why, all of a sudden. . . what was the reason . . . how is she now . ." i fumbled

  “whatever be the reason, but how can they divorce. . . 'divorce' is not meant for indians. . In our culture, once you are married , you have to be with your partner till last breath" mom said fully frustated. I gave her a glass of water and said to relax.       

  " hey mom, chill . . . i will meet her in the evening . . . you just sit and take some rest." Mom smiled and went to take some rest. I couldn’t wait till the evening, so I rushed to her home which was about ten minutes far from my home. After few steps, I stopped for a while and looked at myself. I haven’t shaved since last month, neither have I worn good dress. So I ran back to home, took a shower and took out my well ironed shirt and got ready to meet my bestie. 

I reached there and knocked the door, her mom opened it,                                        "namastey aunty ji, how are you . . . it’s me Raj . . . remember??" I touched her feet.         " oh yes beta, come come. . you have changed a lot in these years" She smiled and blessed me. I went inside and asked her about Angela. Aunty didn’t say anything, she took me to her room where she was lying on the bed and had buried her face in the pillow. 

I went to her and said "hey,. . . . look who has came to meet you. . . "                  She was startled by the familiarity of the voice. . she turned her face and looked at me. Yes , she tried hard to smile but her lips didn’t move. She tried to hug me but her body froze. I saw her face, there was no sign of my charming angela, instead there were some burn marks on her elbow, dark patches on her face. I just continued looking her for a while ,totally stunned.

 "What happened dear. . . " i asked with moist eyes. . . . still she was silent and couldn't utter a single word. I had not enough strength to see her in such a situation ,so i said her to take some rest and left the room.

 I asked aunty about the matter and she said

 “angela called us few days back and said that she wants to come home. We thought may be she had been missing us . . . but when she came alone with all the luggage. We understood that something is wrong. From two days she is only crying and haven’t ate anything. . . she has made this four walls her life. . god knows what will happen"

 " dont worry aunty, everything will be fine. Just keep faith in God. " I had nothing to say other than this.

 With a heavy heart, I left her home. I cursed myself for not being with my best friend when she needed me the most. I couldn’t sleep that night. Whole night her face with bruises haunted me. That moment only i promised myself that i will bring my angela back. I will make her the same girl which she used to be confident,funny,gorgeous and the most talkative girl I had ever met. Next morning, I helped my mom in kitchen and prepared angela's favourite dish 'allu ka paratha' . I packed it and went to her place. She was sitting on the chair with red moist eyes which were still the spotlight of her face. I stopped for a while, made a smiling face and went to her.

 " hiiii . . . look what i have brought for you. . your favourite- allu ka paratha"

 She looked at me And smiled for the first time

 "heyy. how are you ??" She said in a whispering tone.

 " just the same . . leavee all these. Look i am very hungry right now . com'on lets finish this first " i said while opening the packet. She didnt even looked at them,and said she was not hungry. She was the same girl who once pounced on whatever i brought and fought with me even for the last bite. I took one bite of the paratha to her mouth and requested again to have it . . . but she got irritated this time 

" i told na, i dont wanna eat. Why dont you understand" I was dumbstruck by her reaction but tried again, this time by emotional blackmail

 " okk then,i am going home. I will also not eat" I stood up to go back and a smiling face held my hand

 " sorry dear. . comon let me taste what you have made . . . " We ate together after a long time. From that day, we had our breakfast together. I never asked anything about her life . I gave her all the bio-data of whatever I did in Hyderabad, sometimes made stories of my own to see that smiling face of her. I knew it was the time to show true friendship and thus I tried my best to see a smile on her face. She loved eating pickles but aunty always scolded her as it always resulted in stomach pain. So, as usual I brought some ‘aam ka aachar’ for her and we went to the terrace that was our hiding place. I took my first bite and it suddenly slipped from my hands and fell on my glazing white shirt. For the first time I saw angela laughing like anything. Her laughter was just like the  flow of river enchanting a very soothing music in which I was fully lost but soon her laugh converted into sobs, she hugged me and started crying. Her grief broke and she let out all her emotions to flow.

“why did this happen to me only. Why, he cheated me when I loved him so much… “ she spoke for the first time about her life. I held her shoulders, lifted her chin and looked in her eyes and said,” just say whatever happened….. “

She took a deep breath and started

“it all started after one year of our marriage, previously everything was going all right.. we were playing our perfect roles of husband and wife. Pratick was a very caring and loving husband which every girl dreams of, I  showered all my love for him but soon situations changed, he started keeping privacies….our talks got minimized. He usually came drunk and then a series of quarrels and shoutings took place. I truly loved him and started changing myself for him. But I found that his choices have changed. Now he is more interested in Shanaya ,his new assistance.”  Angela’s throat got dry, I gave her water to drink and then she continued

“I tried my best to bring him back but he treated me like a sex toy. I was totally broken and left alone to fight in that hell. He thought that I was not fit for his high profile status. Yes because I didn’t knew to show off. But one day he crossed all his limits and came with shanaya fully drunk. That night only I left that place.” Angela finally unfolded all her feelings.

My face was fully red with anger. I wanted to go and grab that b*****d by his collar and ask him that who gave him the right to ruin my best friend’s life. I was burning deep inside but then I saw my helpless friend and said to her

“look, its your battle of life and you will have to fight it alone. Your parents and friends can only provide you tools but you will have to mould yourself so that no one could have the audacity to put a finger on you. I knew the girl who was strong, independent and confident. Just bring back my lost Angela. I miss her a lot. Don’t waste your time cursing people, instead give a strong boost to your life towards success”.

I motivated angela and made her understand that her life is not over. She always dreamt of being a dancer and I reminded her of her dreams which she had forgotten in maintaining the proper balance between her dreams and the society.

I came back home but saw mom a bit upset and murmuring something. I asked and she replied, ”where were you….. what relation you have now with that girl.. afterall she is divorced and today people are making stories on your relation with her..”

 I was taken aback by mom’s reaction but soon understood the whole matter and smiled ,” hey mom, you better know what relation I have. And I don’t care abut the whole world , I only care about what you think.. u trust me  na !!”

Mom hugged me and said, “ I know you are not wrong and yes I trust you but I don’t trust this world. Sorry beta…..  and hope Angela gets well soon”

Next day I had to leave for Hyderabad as my holidays were over…

I met angela for the last time . 

“ thanx raj for making me fall in love once again with myself. Really you are the best gift I have got … will miss you and yes, get married soon or else you will not get a girl“ she said with wet eyes. 

“ still waiting for the right girl dear….will miss you…. Take care and hope one day I could see you performing on tv…all the  best.. and no tears” I bid her good bye

Again I boarded to the same bus, the same route and and loads of memories…. I tuned to some songs and after a while the same song played

“main rahoon ya na rahoon

Tu mujhme kahin baki rehna..

Bas itna hai tujhse kehna “

But this time a smile spread on my face. My love has to wait still more and I am still waiting for her.

Author's Note

Plzz ignore the grammar part . .
This a sequel of my very first story-'waiting..'...
recap of story waiting-
angela and raj were childhood best buddies... but as they grow up. raj fells in love with her but its a one sided. angela is a openminded and a confident girl but as she was not good in academics. her parents married to her to a rich guy. raj doesnt disclose his secret love for angela and goes away from her life accepting the harsh reality of life. but still he waits for his love and wants a last laugh with hisbest friend Angela.

Reviews

[CAPOLAVORO]

Ohh.. I like how realistic this story could be. I like the simplicity yet the emotion, I can all feel. Great work. Keep writing. :)

[Pravir]

Thanx a lot for investing your time here and inspiring with your beautiful review . . .

[Sofia]

"Main rahoon ya na rahoon" - I really like this song. Thanks for including this. It was very good and I see, its quite better than your previous works. Keep writing. I even the enjoyed description of my city - Kolkata. Keep it up :)

[Pravir]

Thanxx sofia for reading this and i am glad you liked it . . . its also my favourite songs and very close to my heart . . . thanq for visiting

[Sofia]

Not sofia, this is her sis. Anyways you're welcome :)

[Pravir]

oohh soryy... better you both sis make separate accounts... hehe.. i will not get confused then...read moreoohh soryy... better you both sis make separate accounts... hehe.. i will not get confused then...

[Sofia]

Hahaha sure..but I'm afraid I don't write nicely... that's why till​ her unit tests are going on.. I'll be managing this account...so no poems from her until at least next week..

[writ rajat]

Don't afraid and be strong

[Pravir]

No body is gonna shoot u here . . haha. .. . its the best platform for any new writer. . just break the shell,come out and show the world your potential. . i am sure you will b amazed to know about your talent . . . com'on give a try . . it works. . it worked on me . . dts y m so confidently saying this

[Sofia]

Yeah, I love reading but writing is neither my passion nor my hobby. I just love to read books. So just took a look at this site and liked the outstanding works here and I only read when I'm free so not gonna read much in the coming few months as I'll be busy with my studies nd stuff. I'll surely come back to this site whenever I'm interested in writing :) Till then keep writing :)

[Pravir]

Ohhh. . . keep reading and reviewing . . . and all the best for your studies. .

[Sofia]

Thank you for wishes. Good luck to you too.

[JayG]

It seems you're missing some basic information on writing fiction:

• Sentences within quotes begin with capital letters as any other sentence will.
• An ellipsis is this: … it has three dots without spaces, though if it ends a sentence with a trailing off some add a fourth.
• A new speaker requires a new paragraph.
• Quited dialog has no space between the quote mark and the words.
• You use one and only one punctuation mark at the end of a line. After all, if the greats of writing history could handle that I'm sure you can, too.

That aside, this isn't a story as a publisher, or a reader in a book store views it. It's a transcription of you telling a story to an audience, a very different thing. Were I to see/hear you performing, the story could work because your voice would be filled with emotion, while with gesture, expression, and body language you illustrate that emotion. But how much of that makes it to the page? Not a trace, eliminating the part your reader comes to you for from the work.

Because you're telling the story as an outside observer recalling events and reporting them, your characters talk AT each other.

In conversation people stop to think, rephrase, and more, but your characters toss dialog back and forth as if reading a script. And you're telling your story in overview far too often. Writing today is primarily presented in real-time, using skills very different from those we learn in our school days because they're nonfiction and meant to inform. Fiction must entertain.

And that's what you need to work on. Forget verbal storytelling. Because the reader can't tell how you expect them to read the piece, as they read they don't hear what you do when you edit.

You can tell me how a character speaks a line, but not how your narrator does. To compensate for that limitation there is an entire body of knowledge devoted to how to make our reader live the story.

Remember, the reader isn't seeking to know your character has fallen in love, they want you to make them fall in love, to hate, to know fear, and in general, live the story in parallel with the protagonist. But how much time did your teachers spend on the structure of a scene, how to handle dialog, and the other aspects of fiction? Probably none, but that's necessary knowledge. After all, if we don't know what an acquiring editor think of as a well written scene, how can we write one?

And that, as it so often is, is my point. It's not that you're writing well or poorly, it's that you're missing knowledge. And that's not connected to your talent or potential, or even the story. It's that you need to add knowledge and tools to your writing toolbox.

Some time spent devouring a few books on fiction writing skills and technique would be a wise investment in time.

I know this isn't something you were hoping to hear, any more then I did when i confronted the fact that I was missing important knowledge. But it is something we all face, so it's not a big deal.

So hit the books, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
You say this is an intro to a story, but present it one sentence to a line rather than as a whole. So I’m not certain what you’re trying to accomplish.

As a prologue it should be dumped because it can be summed up with someone in the actual story saying, “He was abandoned on the street on his eighth birthday.” Readers aren’t seeking a synopsis of the protagonist’s life because that’s history, not story, and few people read history as an entertainment. You need to entertain your reader beginning on page one.

Having a dispassionate outside observer report on the details of the day might be informative, but it’s not entertaining. So a reader who comes to fiction for entertainment will turn away, quickly.

I know this isn’t the kind of thing you hoped to see, and I wish there were some more gentle way of presenting such news, because it’s no reflection on you, your talent and potential, or the story. It’s that during our school days we learn only nonfiction writing skills that will turn any attempt at writing a story into a report. And our verbal storytelling skills are a performance art. Since a reader can’t hear any trace of the emotion in our performance, or see us illustrate emotion with expression, gesture and body-language, all the emotion—the part the reader comes to us for as an entertainment—is stripped away.

As the author you can’t see that, because for you, each line points to memories, images, and more, stored in your mind. But for the reader, each line points to memories, images, and more, stored in YOUR mind. And since you’re not there to explain, the reader must make do with what the words suggest to them, based on their interpretation of the words to that point, coupled with what the words they’re currently reading suggest, based on THEIR background and experience, not yours, or your intent.

And since that understanding will be different from yours because the reader is different, so far as gender, age, education, etc., they are not going to get what you intend.

The solution is to forget the films you’ve seen; forget the tricks of writing you were trained in during your school years; forget verbal storytelling. They’re all inappropriate to the mission and the medium.

School-day writing is fact-based and author centric. Remember all the reports and essays you had to write, and how few stories? That’s because they were training you in writing reports and essays to make you a useful employee, not a pro in fiction writing.

The structure of films doesn’t apply because film is a vocal and visual medium, and the page reproduces neither.

And of course storytelling is a performance art that requires you to be with the audience (at least via an audio link)

But the mission of fiction is to entertain, not inform. And that takes an entirely different method of presentation. Fiction is emotion-based, not fact-based. And it’s character, not author centric. So unless you add knowledge of the hows and whys of that to your toolkit it doesn’t matter how hard you try, you’re carrying too large a handicap to succeed.

But the good news is that you already have much of what you need. The skills of spelling, punctuation, and paragraphing, etc. are already perfected through practice. What you need to add are the techniques of fiction. Things like how to handle dialog, tags and scene-setting are part of it. The three things a reader needs addressed early will place them into the story, as will mastering the scene-goal, scene elements and such things as scene and sequel and motivation/response units.

It isn’t a matter of getting a few hints and charging off, because we’re talking about a profession. And they take time, study, and practice to master. On the other hand, anyone who is truly meant to be a writer will find the learning fascinating.

Your local library system can be a huge resource. There, you’ll find the views of writing professionals: Authors, publishing pros, and teachers. And best of all, the price is great. My personal suggestion is to seek the names Dwight Swain, Jack Bickham, or Debra Dixon on the cover. They’re gold.

Hang in there, and keep on writing

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Pravir]

Thanx sir, for such an informative review. . ur reviews are always helpful for writers like me who has just started writing and need a lot of improvement . thanku

[Farhan Shaikh]

Emotions are coming out through this story, wonderful and very well penned ..

[Pravir]

Thanxx farhan . .

[Zoya]

A very emotional story. Surprisingly, the many grammar mistakes did not ruin the plot and you made the readers live the story. I'm sure your grammar will improve with time. Well done this one. Good luck on your upcoming writes!

[Pravir]

Thanx a lot zoe for ur kind words. . . . yes my grammar skills are not good but i m working oj it . . . i am glad that u could connect with the story. . . keep visiting

[Zoya]

Definitely. You're most welcome!

[writ rajat]

Meanwhile some corrections needed like him or her you are saying a man her and a women him kindly correct it but at last I really enjoyed reading your story I hope it is imagination who can bring such a stupendous plot in paper hats off to you and your story very emotional I think you have gone through all this other wise I will not get much enthralled. You made me a storyteller​ I will discuss it with my friends

[Pravir]

Thnx for highlighting those silly mistakes . . . i corrected it right now. . .
I am glad to hear that u liked my story . . . yes these are true feelings which i have tried to express through a story . . . thanx a lot for ur visit

[Najam Us Saher]

I am in tears right now. Your story left an impact on me. Though I know that you need to work a lot on your grammar I truly believe you have that spirit in you to make the readers feel that emotion.
'She was the same girl who pounced on me for what I brought till the last bite' I liked this sentence a lot it shows your nostalgic feelings how once she was the girl happy and confident and how she is right now.
'Her laughter was just like the flow of river enchanting a very soothing music in which I was fully lost but soon her laugh converted into sobs.'
I fell in love with this line. Your comparison is very different and I liked that. The way you compared past and the present girl is very effective.
'I wanted to go and grab that b*****d by his collar and ask him that who gave him the right to ruin my best friend’s life'
This is the line which brought tears in my eyes. It is good to have such a person in your life which can feel our emotions.
Who gave him the right to ruin my best friend's life?
Really, no one has the right to ruin our life.
“look, its your battle of life and you will have to fight it alone. You parents and your friends can only provide you tools but you will have to mould yourself so that no one could have the audacity to put a finger on you. I knew the girl who was strong, independent and confident. Just bring back my lost Angela. I miss her a lot. Don’t waste your time cursing people, instead give a strong boost to your life towards success."
Words of wisdom are elegantly framed in this sentence.
'You have to mould yourself so that no one has the audacity to put a finger on you.'
This line speaks volumes. I liked this a lot.
Then the mindset of Indians was shown when you narrated the scene of mom where she talks about society. I liked what you have mentioned there because you have cleverly expressed sarcasm and the narrow mindset of our society.
I loved the way you have mentioned the song in the beginning and in the end too, it speaks about the human nature and mind where our thoughts run spontaneously and songs stay close to our heart forever.
I truly loved this story a lot it covered all the elements which were essential. Great effort done. Thank you for sharing this.

[pia]

So far this was well written and interesting. Ill come back to it after giving its first part a read. Good job !!

[Pravir]

Well i have written the recap of its frst part in my authors note section . . . u can read it from there
. thanx for your visit