The Countdown Pt. 1

A race turned bad after a shocking event as the lead racer falls.....

 

 

The Countdown PT.1

                                  by United Writings

The track light sends a lucent illumination upon the crowd. Wind trusts against them while the darkness sets in. Anderson is in the lead with two laps to go. Harrison being the six year superior in this race is not far behind. You see Audrey your fiancée or at least she will be by end of the race your romantic proposal will have the others in the crowd in awe she smiles at you wishing you the best. As you cross the line making it to the last lap the crowd cheers and then you notice Harrison right beside you. With not a moment to spare you two take off  neither of you going faster then the other you both are pushing your hardest. This track unlike the others is a outrageous two miles long. Both Harrison and Anderson are running side leg for leg neither of them giving an inch. He’s family is still disappointed because he has placed second to Harrison the past six years now. Harrison now picking up speed while you are trying to stay up with him. When suddenly Harrison trips you to the ground and they pause the race. Harrison told the coach he tripped you on accident, when everybody saw him do it on purpose.  The break is over and the race is back on with Harrison in the lead and Anderson on eights of a second behind Harrison. This race is nearing its end and no one is hoping it will.  Now Anderson takes the lead with only a few feet away. I’m winning I can’t believe I’m going to win. Thud I’m not able to breathe what’s going on…

 

Author's Note

Tell me what you think Suspence No Yes and so write what pops into mind.

Ps. To readers who liked this Bringer of Peace will be doing Part. 2 and i will be editing it and it also will be on each of our profiles under story in our writes.
Thanks,
Promisekeeper

Reviews

[Victor]

This story here is just real greatness! The detail and emotion you put into this piece is just exceptionally well. I like how it leaves questions of what happened to Anderson with the fall he takes at the end it makes people want to read more. I would love to write a part 2 of this story and come up with a good conclusion with it unless there will be more parts to it. Keep up writing great pieces like this for, you have a really great talent at it, that really intriuges me.
Thanks for this really awsome write,

~Victor

[CharlieO]

I enjoyed reading this write. It is written well, I like your diction throughout. I think there is much potential in this write and I would like to see where it goes. I think you have managed to create some suspence.
I have to say that you have managed to capture in a very natural way, the thoughts and emotions of your characters - the way that their thoughts move from one thing to the next - that is exactly how people think - you are close to stream of consciousness here.
The only thing I would suggest for improvement - and this is just my own personal opinion - is that you should try and breal up this section with paragraphs. I think the sections you have put in blue would benefit from being seperate from the main part of the narrative - this is howver only my persona; opinion and I do feel that this story does work well as it is.
Congrats on this write. Keep it up.

[Bennett Logan]

You clearly know a great deal about running track. Are you a runner yourself? Anyway, the description of the race is pretty intense and sounds pretty authentic. I would suggest narrating the entire story from just one person. It's currently told in a combination of first, second, and third person narrators. I found it a bit confusing when read as a whole. Also, you have a lot to expand on here. Tell us more about the fiancee. Did Anderson propose at the end of the race despite its outcome? Could her answer could hold some sort of higher meaning for the rest of the story? What did the parents say about the race/engagement? Just run wild with it and don't worry about length. Also, double-check your punctuation and spelling -- I ran into a couple run-ons and misspellings.

Otherwise, I enjoyed the pace you've established in this piece. You know how to lead your reader along the story you wish to tell, so please keep writing. Have a good one, sir, and I hope my suggestions can be of some use.

[*~Imperfectly Me~*]

You have a lot of detail in this poem, i think that you did a great job on portraying the emotions in this piece.... I'm alittle confused on what happened in the end but i guess i'll have to wait until part two to know.... Great job....