The little girl in a black dress

A Poem by Prynka

I sat in the dark auditorium
Among all the other audience
I waited for you to come on stage
And when you were there

You will never know
How my heart rejoiced
The purest smile
The one which my heart smiled

You must be a big boy now
5 years is still like a dream to me
I'm still stuck in the moment
When I held you first in my arms

Then the music started
You were dancing like a star
The cutest expressions
And the coordinated moves with endless energy

Tears of happiness rolled down my face
The real meaning of love I learnt
Somewhere in your dance I lost
I lost to see a little girl in her black dress

The girl in her little black dress
Who was always onstage
Whistles and claps
She always heard

The music in which she sailed
The dance in which she conquered
She was so different when she performed
Different from the otherwise so shy girl.

It was always her dance that spoke for her
Her feet couldn't stop tapping when she heard music
Mirror was her favourite audience
Every step she learnt practised and mimicked

That little girl in her black dress was me
Thank you my child
Your dance helped me find me
Lost in this world of responsibilities

Lost in the corporate world
Lost to her daily chores
Your every growth helps me find me
Your every success makes my life ripples smiles with glee

© 2018 Prynka

My Review

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Reviews

casablancavic

It has a flow which seems natural and captures the essence of the quintessential

Posted 5 Years Ago

Abhishek Izy

Nicely written. The emotions seeps well in your writes and it makes a pleasant read!

Posted 5 Years Ago

Pooja Chintamani

The little girl in a white dress ,perfect title and the flow of stanza and twist in the end both are awesome!

Posted 5 Years Ago

5 Years Ago

thank you Pooja for dropping by.

barleygirl

I enjoyed your story in a poem. Even tho your message is interesting & meaningful, at face value, it also opens up a world of possibilities. The dancing could be any artform, really, something outside the daily grind of our lives, whatever our passion might be. Writing, for me, is like this dance you describe so well . . . it is only thru my writing that I can say the things I’m too tongue-tied to say face-to-face. In line 2, you use “audience” in the plural “audiences” – this isn’t correct English, since an audience is singular, whether it’s one person or many. You would need to say “all the others in the audience” . . . also check out the very last word, seems mistaken, maybe you meant “glee”? Otherwise good job of taking us on a journey with a lesson (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 5 Years Ago

5 Years Ago

Thank you Margie. I have corrected the points which you pointed out.
Thanks for correcting me.. read more

JayG

The sentiment? Great. The problem is that a great deal of the story—the part that gives a stranger context—never made it to the page.

When editing, be sure that you're not filling in the detail from memory as you read, and adding emotion to the words based on that, because the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR experience. And based on that:

S1. Someone unknown is waiting for a performance to begin. You know you mean pre-birth. But you place the reader in a darkened theater. And when that doesn't track, later, there will be a "huh?" moment you need to avoid.

S2. Someone unknown is talking to someone not introduced. Will the reader know this person is talking to a child in reflection? No. Can they guess? No, because while the words say that the person will never know, every child does know, when they're placed in the same position, because that's the nature of parenthood. So this stanza, lacking context, is throwaway—as read. But place yourself in the readers seat and view it as a ereader seeing it for the first time...then as that same reader would perceive it were they aware of your viewpoint and intent as they read.

S3 When you say, "You must be a big boy now," all I could get is that this person is separated from the one being talked about since it's worded as "must be." And confusion came because I was unaware, through S1 and S2 that the opening referred to birth, not a performance by someone admired.

But then, after referring to the child as a big boy, the rest of the piece SEEMS to refer to a young girl. And you only explain that it's the narrator at the end, which places effect before cause, precluding understanding of your intent. But suppose you'd mentioned how he, and his confidence brought memory of a little girl dancing? Then, the reader would have context. And in writing, context is EVERYTHING.

Never lose sight of the fact that the moment we release our words to the world we vanish. And everything about us, including our intent for the word meaning, becomes irrelevant. It's the reader, our words, and what our words mean to THAT reader in that moment, based on their mood and life-experience. So we either provide context inherently to the wording or point the reader to universal context. Anything else is a disconnect between writer and reader.

I know this is far from what you hoped to hear. But what I say has nothing to do with your talent, or potential. It had only to do with placing yourself into the reader's persona when you edit, so you can place them in yours when they read.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 5 Years Ago

The sentiment? Great. The problem is that a great deal of the story—the part that gives a stranger context—never made it to the page.

When editing, be sure that you're not filling in the detail from memory as you read, and adding emotion to the words based on that, because the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR experience. And based on that:

S1. Someone unknown is waiting for a performance to begin. You know you mean pre-birth. But you place the reader in a darkened theater. And when that doesn't track, later, there will be a "huh?" moment you need to avoid.

S2. Someone unknown is talking to someone not introduced. Will the reader know this person is talking to a child in reflection? No. Can they guess? No, because while the words say that the person will never know, every child does know, when they're placed in the same position, because that's the nature of parenthood. So this stanza, lacking context, is throwaway—as read. But place yourself in the readers seat and view it as a ereader seeing it for the first time...then as that same reader would perceive it were they aware of your viewpoint and intent as they read.

S3 When you say, "You must be a big boy now," all I could get is that this person is separated from the one being talked about since it's worded as "must be." And confusion came because I was unaware, through S1 and S2 that the opening referred to birth, not a performance by someone admired.

But then, after referring to the child as a big boy, the rest of the piece SEEMS to refer to a young girl. And you only explain that it's the narrator at the end, which places effect before cause, precluding understanding of your intent. But suppose you'd mentioned how he, and his confidence brought memory of a little girl dancing? Then, the reader would have context. And in writing, context is EVERYTHING.

Never lose sight of the fact that the moment we release our words to the world we vanish. And everything about us, including our intent for the word meaning, becomes irrelevant. It's the reader, our words, and what our words mean to THAT reader in that moment, based on their mood and life-experience. So we either provide context inherently to the wording or point the reader to universal context. Anything else is a disconnect between writer and reader.

I know this is far from what you hoped to hear. But what I say has nothing to do with your talent, or potential. It had only to do with placing yourself into the reader's persona when you edit, so you can place them in yours when they read.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Rating /100

5 Years Ago

Thank you Jay for giving me a very honest review. I will definitely keep your inputs in mind while e.. read more

Lyrically Inclined

The joys of parenthood. Nice write

Posted 5 Years Ago

5 Years Ago

Yes in indeed. Thanks for dropping by.

Birth of every child is a rebirth of a mom!!
When mom finds herself tied in the rules of restrictions of not doing amusement her child's chaos makes her life amused....... There's a favourite quote of mine "When a mother gives birth of a child the pain is equivalent to 20 cracking bones...and people think men are strong"!!!
It was really great to go through your poem di😊