Self-Loathing and Psychoanalyzation at Five a.m.

wad me up

and trhow me a in a corner.

Piss on me

and toss me down the toilet.

I keep thinking there must be some flaw,

some wrong thing with my nature.

Am I so horrible that I have become a dumping ground

for everyone I meet?

Again,

Here I sit,

It's five a.m. and I couldn't sleep

correction,

I chose not to sleep,

I had to analyze this situation.

Find out how to correct the problem...

ME!

WHY?
Why do I end up, alone

day after day?

Sitting online,

waiting for someone to pay attention to me

Feeling sorry for myself

and covering it up with helpful nature.

I drown myself by solving others problems.

White-Out on others Typos,

while mine glare out at the world,

making me so IMPERFECT,

SO UNWANTED,

I work so hard to obtain a friendship,

only to have the same thing happen everytime...

First they say the'yre sorry they didn't call when they would.

Then they call less and less, or even send my calls to voicemails.

I know the Needy, The Clingy thing people do. I am so careful

to not let the desperation shine through,

perhaps they can smell it on me,

like a dog in heat.

But it ends all painfuly the same.

Some just go months, and when they have noone then call me.

Some just never talk to me again,

The honest ones I am at least grateful for...

but it;s the same.

I'm too much,

I wear them out.

I know,

I am so hyper, happy, I try to solve problems

You give me a problem and I have ten solutions in a minute

For some reason,

people don't like that,

They want to wallow.

*sigh dramatically*

And here comes the worst part,

I sit alone with my thoughts,

and have horrible analyzations,

that come to the result that I am too much a freak,

to ever find my frak.

I am a loser

a loner

and then the tears start up.

then comes self pity

AND OH HOW I HATE TEARS AND PITY!!!!
IT'S WEAK AND PATHETIC!!!
And then comes the self loathing,
The wretched self loathing
I can hear HIS voice now

"You're nothing,

a waste of space,

you're a loser.

You'll grow up to be a w***e,

just like YOU'RE MOM!"
I used to fight him when I was a kid,
But I am too tired now,

and so I just listen.

So it's okay,

wad me up,

and toss me in the corner...

Piss on me,

Or worse,

Ignore me,

Cuz I am just wasting away,

praying for the day

I draw my last breath,

Then there will be no more pain
regret
rejection
loss
Ignored
NO MORE BEING A FREAK LONER LIKE ME!!!

Author's Note

It's five a.m. and I've had the most horribly emotionally rejecting day. I've been there for everyone I can think of, but have been dissed in the end. I just took my meds. and am praying that I don't dream of something better than this life because if I do, it'll make it that much harder to wake up. This is not a piece for judgement. This is a piece where I came to spill my heart out. And move on, hopefully

Reviews

[John A Common]

You know I love the happy poetry;). Damn this is good stuff. I have been there so many times in my life,as a matter of fact I felt like this yesterday. For what its worth friends are over rated,more people more problems. I really like this one great job and you know,,um if you buy my book I'll be your friend.:).

[Bec]

Ah hun, cheer up, your not to much of a freak to be my friend. You fit in with my croud quite nicely actually lol. It's ok to cry, even though I agree they do make one feel weak, just sometimes it's something that needs to be done. I lend you my tear absorbing shoulder in spirit!

Hope you feel better, and that your not worthless! Because your not!

Bec

[Sheila Kline]

Oh Brianne....no self pity, no wallowing in self pity with you, but I AM YOUR FRIEND!!!!!!!
It was a joy to do the co-write with you. And, how is the picture uploading at Deviant Art coming! Did you get to use any of the pics from photobucket?
Now, you stop it.....I am going to give you a good friend to friend talk! Don't overanalyze....you are brilliant, and can write in a snap!!! and good writing!! You pulled me away from my comfort zone with rhymes, and that took some doing!!!
When you wake up....IM me....we will talk again!
With Mucho Friendship,
Sheila

[Steve]

Not judging, honest, I think this is a very raw and powerful piece of writing from the heart, I hope you feel better for hammering it out :)