Wash me away

A Story by PsychoDeli-c

When we lose everything we usually go back to the thing we know. But if all pillars of strength are ripped from us we have only nature to turn to. And ourselves.

It's a privilege to live by the sea, she thought as her hand slid over the smooth rock jutting from between the waves. The sea was a wonder at night, akin to a mirage only painfully real. As far as the eye could see an unsettled darkness stretched, merging with a sky as dark. It was the father of everything unknown, the sea at night, and by right the unknown should unnerve and unsettle, yet the sea soothed. The waves were high and their song so deafening, but never bothersome or straining. The water was blacker than sin, but it held ripples of dark silver and moonpaths of reflected light. Water was the beginning of life, yet it ended so much of it. How could something be so beautiful, dangerous and giddying at the same time!?

People are all that, a smile crept to her cracked lips, I’m all that… rather I was. Her fists curled and her heart shrank. The wind felt reviving against her clammy skin, so cool and crisp, yet not chilling. Was that all there was to life? Was she the only one worth knowing? Did she even know herself? A string of betrayals lies and deceits came to mind yet they didn’t really matter. In the end the only one who will do everything for me is I. So why rely on other people? I need only my approval and my own judgment.
“And you judge yourself guilty. You judge yourself a coward and unworthy. Look around you, do you deserve this Earth?” her voice was small and barely audible over the waves. “DO I DESERVE YOU!?” her voice cried in the night, talking to no one, expecting no answer.

Yet an answer came. The waves continued crashing around her little, smooth rock, the wind continued to play with her hair and clothes and the moon continued to shine in her eyes.

No one is ever born alone. We are all born with nature in it and it’s to it that we return in death. It is our Mother Earth that should decide what happens of us, Lana thought and suddenly her feet were pushing at the rock, her hands breaking the surface of the water. With no air in her lungs Lana found herself drowning, yet she’d never felt so alive, so real, so much a part of something. The water felt like velvet against her skin, the wind was a warm caress when her head rose above the water. The drugs she’d taken were working in her stomach, she could feel them- burning, churning, killing her. It had been death she’d wanted before coming to the sea. Now, she only wanted to be cleansed, to feel free… to feel! It was so good to feel again and to feel good. The sea could drown her or revive her, she decided and lay upon the waves, leaving herself to be taken away by the current. Mother Earth had brought her to this life, she was the one who would decide if she would forsake it or start it anew. Lana’s eyes closed as sleep started creeping upon her.

And somehow the unknown nothingness seemed more a chance at a new beginning than an end to all.