Carry

She was always carried on a stretcher.

The ambulance doors closed as they hurried to the hospital.

I would always visit her bringing food she liked.

My little sister would tell her stories about school.

And we'd go home happy with a kiss goodbye.

But when everything fell apart...

I gave my kiss to a stone cold body.

My little sister bawled as she clung to me.

In my hands where white flowers she loved.

The hearse's doors closed as it crawled to the cemetery.

The last time she was carried was in a coffin.

And when everything was over...

I tried to rebuild what was destroyed along with her body.

Author's Note

When everything's suffocating I write. I am suffocated by unsaid words.

P.S. I do not own the pics, sorry if I can't accept read requests in the meantime, I hate that your work would would be left to be covered in dust in my inbox of requests because of my busy sched. But I'll read your work as thank you for the review (if I have the time). Anyways, thank you for reading <3

Reviews

[wordman]

some people just seemed destined to die a sad death

[Maria]

This was truly beautiful to read in spite of the sadness, within, and it reminded me of my mothers own funeral.

[Raven Moonchild]

(hugs) This poem tugs at all the feels, dear. A brilliant poem full of such hurt.

[JayG]

She was always carried on a stretcher.
The ambulance doors closed as they hurried to the hospital.
I would always visit her bringing food she liked.
My little sister would tell her stories about school.
And we'd go home happy with a kiss goodbye.
- - - - - -
She was "always" carried on a stretcher?" Makes no sense. She would be transported, not carried if she was on a stretcher. Nowadays they have wheels.

But that aside, "always?" You give no context for what that this means, who the person is, and what "she" was to the speaker. It also seems you're describing a singular event and her transport afterward.

Ambulance doors don't close "as" they drive (hurried), because they need to have things secured and everyone in and settled before they begin moving. The last thing you want is the attendant leaning out as they drive trying to catch a swinging door that got away from the attendant.

And saying the speaker "always" visited her" means the speaker never left, which makes no sense.

You also say "visit her." But since the reader already knows who is being visited, the word "her" is unnecessary.

So if we fix those issues (didn't you edit?), we get:
- - - - -
She was transported on a stretcher. The ambulance doors closed, and they hurried to the hospital.

I would visit every day bringing food she liked. My little sister would tell her stories about school, and we'd go home happy with a kiss goodbye.
- - - - -
The paragraph informs. But is the language poetic enough to justify breaking the sentences into individual lines and calling it poetry?

If it's something that happened to you it brings memories as it's read, but though I've lost loved ones, and have spent months visiting the hospital, every day, since this is a series of declarative, and factual sentences, that didn't remind me of my own pain, or, make yours real to me as a reader.

In short. instead of reporting in the form, "This happened...then that happened...then I did this...and I also..." use vivid, evocative language that will evoke the reader's emotions, not talk about yours.

Sorry my news wasn't better.

[Chase Dylan]

... And then everything was over... White flowers on stretchers that stretch till goodbye... Excellently penned... Darkly, even...

[writ rajat]

Heart breaking poem a reality on page be strong

[Priyanshi]

Really a well written, simple poem, i found it.
I loved it.

[emipoemi]

Wow! You're about to go on my list of few poets who know what they're doing when they write Free Verse! This is amazing! The musicality is only a bit off due to extra unnecessary words in a couple of places (bringing "with me" food she liked......my little sister "only" bawled...). I would also advise that the first lonely line ("But when everything started to fall apart") read fully active, meaning that everything "FELL apart" (no "started to"), for then you instantly go on to talk about the funeral, which would imply that everything had already fallen apart (but not quite as over as then you say "and when everything was over"). You're getting better at the musicality aspect, and I can see you growing as a poet. This is really good! Well done!

[Psychotic Lily]

Thank you Emi, and I should really thank you for showing me how to improve my musicality. I'll go fix the parts that sound wrong. Thank you again 😁

[emipoemi]

with pleasure.