In Tongues of Fate: Desperation of the Forgotten Sun

Forsake me not!

Oh blessed Father!

Do ears still tune for broken word?

This world no longer can see clearly,

Shadows gaze upon a sullied heart,

Their vile hands twist these mending souls.

As angels stand behind me, watching…

While forth from eyes that pierce like steel,

A river bloodied, raging, crashes!

As Serpent slips from tongue like poison,

Families turn and rape each other.

Demons dancing, alight in slumber;

A hypnotizing Siren’s number,

Enslaving of those that turning gaze…

Is there no salvation for a burning world of broken wills?

If savior sent is speared by fearful children weeping.

Reviews

What I enjoyed:

1) It shocks the reader to read
2) "Do ears still tune for broken word?" Favorite line
3)"... alight in slumber;" Good sound-sense

What could change:

1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?

[nathan]

wow is all I could really say

[Sirajudin Matin]

@Starfish
What could change:

1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"

I had been contemplating this for a while when writing this piece and I may just have to create a new line entirely, I feel like it breaks the flow.

2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth

I'm not sure how to expand on this at the moment, but I will keep it in mind.

3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?

I have a dirty habit of capitalizing words that need not be sometimes.

Thank you for the review. It means a lot, I can't improve without them.

[SinnerInspired]

F*****g Awesome!!!