In Tongues of Fate: Desperation of the Forgotten Sun
A Poem by
Sirajudin Matin
Previous Version
This is a previous version of In Tongues of Fate: Desperation of the Forgotten Sun.
Forsake me not!
Oh blessed Father!
Do ears still tune for broken word?
This world no longer can see clearly,
Shadows gaze upon the sullied heart,
Their vile hands twist mending souls.
Angels stand behind me, watching…
And forth from eyes that pierce like steel,
A river bloodied, raging, crashes!
Serpent slips from tongue like poison,
Families turn and rape each other.
Demons dancing, alight in slumber;
A hypnotizing Siren’s number,
Enslaving the will of those that gaze upon them…
Is there no salvation for a world of broken wills?
If savior sent is speared by fearful children weeping.
© 2011 Sirajudin Matin
Featured Review
What I enjoyed:
1) It shocks the reader to read
2) "Do ears still tune for broken word?" Favorite line
3)"... alight in slumber;" Good sound-sense
What could change:
1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?
Posted 12 Years Ago
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
Reviews
wow is all I could really say
Posted 12 Years Ago
wow is all I could really say
@Starfish
What could change:
1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
I had been contemplating this for a while when writing this piece and I may just have to create a new line entirely, I feel like it breaks the flow.
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
I'm not sure how to expand on this at the moment, but I will keep it in mind.
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?
I have a dirty habit of capitalizing words that need not be sometimes.
Thank you for the review. It means a lot, I can't improve without them.
Posted 12 Years Ago
@Starfish
What could change:
1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
I had been contemplating this for a while when writing this piece and I may just have to create a new line entirely, I feel like it breaks the flow.
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
I'm not sure how to expand on this at the moment, but I will keep it in mind.
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?
I have a dirty habit of capitalizing words that need not be sometimes.
Thank you for the review. It means a lot, I can't improve without them.
F*****g Awesome!!!
Posted 12 Years Ago
Fucking Awesome!!!
What I enjoyed:
1) It shocks the reader to read
2) "Do ears still tune for broken word?" Favorite line
3)"... alight in slumber;" Good sound-sense
What could change:
1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?
Posted 12 Years Ago
What I enjoyed:
1) It shocks the reader to read
2) "Do ears still tune for broken word?" Favorite line
3)"... alight in slumber;" Good sound-sense
What could change:
1) "This world no longer can see clearly," This could flow better as "This world can no longer see clearly,"
2) "While forth from eyes that pierce like steel," I think the word "steel" could be improved upon to give more depth
3) "A hypnotizing Siren’s number," Good sound-sense here, but should "Siren" be capitalized?
2 of 2 people found this review constructive.
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Added on August 10, 2011
Last Updated on August 10, 2011
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