Chapter One

The beginning of Peyton's story

Chapter One

            Peyton Montgomery pulled into the parking lot of the Mount Airy Post Office.  Fumbling in the backseat she grabbed her oversized package.  Being too preoccupied with her list of things left to do, she hadn’t noticed the post office was closing.  There was still so much to do before she left this small town behind.

Peyton was anxious about packing up and leaving.  She had lived in Mount Airy, a rural small town outside of Washington, DC her entire life.  In a matter of six weeks, she had cancelled her wedding, sent back the gifts and applied to college.  Now it was time to put the past behind her.  She had no idea what lie ahead for her. Future unknown, but she was willing to take the risk, no matter how troubling she found it. 

The “known” was something she could take hold of and understand.  Peyton had experienced a lot of unknowns in her life up to this point and looked for a life that was predictable and stable.  Who cared about living on the edge? She was most comfortable in secure surroundings.

Peyton bustled past Flora as she awkwardly carried her package in. 

“Hi Peyton, How are you?” Flora greeted her.

  Flora had known Peyton all her life.  She had grown up in Mount Airy and so had her parents and grandparents.  Flora was the kind of person who knew everyone and everything about everyone in town.  Flora’s family had been from Mount Airy since back in the late 1800’s, and she was not one for gossip.  She spoke her mind but found gossip to be intolerable.  There wasn’t a mean word anyone could ever say about her or her family.   

Flora continued twirling her sign to “Closed” unbeknownst to Peyton. Instead she was met with a warm smile as Flora ushered her in and welcomed her. 

“Hi Flora, I need to overnight this package.”  Peyton said struggling to lay the box onto the scale. 

“No problem Sweetie.” Flora replied, “Where’s this headed to?”

Peyton fumbled in her purse for the address of the recipient whom had won the on-line auction of her beautiful designer wedding dress.  Her purse was a mess, receipts, and papers were strewn everywhere and she pulled paper after paper out until she finally found what she needed.

 Whoever they were they were getting a bargain, she thought to herself.  She didn’t really care, she actually felt a sense of release to be getting rid of it. 

She handed Flora the address, and said, “Okay, one more thing to cross off my list.”

 Flora looked up at her with a puzzled look which went right over Peyton’s head. 

“Okay, look at the screen and answer the question about dangerous materials, perfume, etc.” She said looking for some sort of response from Peyton.  Not getting one she went on, “Do you want insurance?  Do you need delivery confirmation?”

Peyton continued looking at her receipts and appeared to not have noticed Flora was asking her questions until she heard Flora clearing her throat.

“Honey?  Are you okay?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Flora.  My mind is going in a hundred different directions.  I have two days left until I leave.”  Peyton apologized. 

“I understand I’m just sorry for what that son of a b***h did to you” she said as she placed her hand on top of Peyton’s patting it kindly.

“Thank you, it has been difficult.” Peyton admitted as she paid for the shipping, and ran her hand alongside the box one last time, letting out an enormous sigh.

 “Thanks again!” she said as she pushed the door open to leave. 

“Man I have to pull it together,” she whispered to herself as she wiped the tear that had fallen on her cheek.

Her hand was shaking as she pulled out her cell phone to check her messages.  As usual there were tons.  All from the same person.  She hit delete over and over again until her messages were empty.  She didn’t want to see or hear from him every again.  She had thought that had been made very clear when she had thrown off her engagement ring into the bed she had caught him and Samantha in. 

She pulled her list back out of her purse and crossed the post office off.  It was getting close to being finished.  She couldn’t wait to be away from here.  The further the better.  She needed to heal, and staying in this small town was a constant reminder of her failed relationship and she was looking forward to concentrating on herself for once.   

She started the engine of her Toyota Rav4 and looked up at the sky at the ominous clouds rolling in.  She hadn’t noticed the murky sky earlier.    The wind was picking up as she drove down the windy country road back to her grandmother’s home.  The only real home she had ever known. 

Pulling up the gravel driveway, she saw her grandmother, Vivian Parker, clutching an enormous straw hat onto her head, in what appeared to be a futile attempt.   The wind was coming in so strongly now, that Vivian appeared to almost be taking flight.  Peyton grabbed her camera bag, always close by, and got out of the car.  Instinctively she started taking candid shots of her grandmother.  The sky dramatically crackled with a bolt of lightning at the precise moment Peyton was able to capture the photo.

“Beautiful!” She whispered as she continued to capturing the moment on film.

Vivian turned quickly toward the safety of their home, leaving Peyton with a smile  

as she climbed back in the car to put her camera away.  She started gathering up her bags as she watched Vivian marching up the wide planked flight of stairs to their Victorian home. 

She thought how fortunate she was to have this woman in her life.  Her life would

have been very different if her grandmother hadn’t stepped in to raise her after her parents died in that car accident when she was five years old.  Her parents had been high school sweethearts and married right after graduation.  Peyton had been born a year later.   

Vivian was a remarkably strong, caring and devoted grandmother who had always loved Peyton unconditionally.  She had created a secure and stable environment for her in a time which had been very difficult.  They helped each other through that tragic and devastating time, which created an enormous bond between them.  They never took for granted how blessed they both were to have each other.   Peyton knew how blessed she was to have such a magnificent woman to raise and nurture her. 

            The thunderstorm was moving in rapidly now, the wind howling around Peyton.  As she swung her car door open, the heavens decided to open up and let loose.  The rain came down with such force that Peyton knew she needed to stay in the car and fought the wind to shut her door.  She would have to wait to let the volatile weather subside.  The list would have to wait as well.

Lightening cracked again nearby and she listened as the thunder rumbled not soon after.  She sank back down into the driver’s seat and turned off the car’s engine.  She pulled out her list to review the remaining chores, and as she did so, she began to reflect on what had brought her to this crossroads in her life.  

.  

Author's Note

Please review as I would love feed back, good or bad!

Reviews

[C. Rose]

At this point "Her life could have been so very different ..." I feel like you follow with too much telling.
I was immediately engaged. Truth be told, I'm spending tonight cleaning out my Writer's Cafe "Library" so I meant to only peak at this and see if it was worth keeping on my reading list, when suddenly I was half way down the page. I like that we don't know why the wedding was called off yet or what he did. I like that you started the book at this point in time.

Very well penned :D

[RAOrourke]

Thank you so much for the review! You know how much I admire your work and your critiques! Thank you!

[Nikki]

I'm hooked on your line hun! Def can't wait to read the second chapter.

[RAOrourke]

Thank you!!

[Nikki]

You're welcome. Also, just want to say love your use of the grave character on your keyboard. I use it for my Chapter titles as well.. That's a random thought there that is.

[Khyati]

Okay, here it is. I am going to be very frank with you. I want to give you no fake reviews, but I don't want to sound rude too. I am doing my review sincerely and with much concern for your improvement. I don't want to discourage you and by no means am I looking down on you. You are a very good writer, I must say. Just some flaws need to be removed. I am mentioning them so that you can actually be benefited. I am sorry if I hurt you. I am going to tell you what is bad and even good about your write-up, so you can sustain the good and chuck off the bad.
Best Regards!
BAD:
1)“Okay, this is one more thing to cross off(not of) my list.” Rebecca went through....
2) These lines sound odd together as they have some repetition of words:
They never took for granted how blessed they both were to have each other. Peyton by no means took for granted how blessed she was to have had such a magnificent woman to raise and nurture her.
3) You are hurrying the story a lot. Describe more and write with patience :)
4) You are describing factual things and sometimes, taking the reader in the bits of past with breaks the flow
GOOD:
1)the heavens decided to open up and let loose --- BRILLIANTLY WRITTEN!
2) the story is fab!
3) Emotions are explained very nicely in some parts
4) I love the way you mention the small details that tell about the protagonist's emotions.
5) I ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT!

[RAOrourke]

thank you so much for your very helpful review! It helps when someone takes their time to really help the writer correct the mistakes!! Thanks again!

[Khyati]

^_^ I am SO happy to see you take it in a positive manner :)

[LaylaK21]

Leaves you wondering, and curious, almost anticipating more of the story! I am interested already. I do not know much of what is going on, though I know this is only one small chapter of your story. I love some of the description. You can feel and sense what the main character is going through. Great start.
Constructive criticism- I would try to establish through writing her family bonds you mentioned, then just trying to tell them briefly, -might help the reader understand.
Other than that, it was a good read and think would make a good book when finished!

[RAOrourke]

Thanks so much!!

[NoelHC]

A good start, I am curious about what "that son of a b***h" did, and want to read more. This is well laid out, and we get a glimpse into how agitated Peyton is, well done.

I noticed (bad joke intended) that you use "noticed" a lot, you could mix that up a bit with other words like "saw" "observed" etc.

The sky cracked with lightening (lightning) is spelled incorrectly both times.

[RAOrourke]

Thanks so much for reviewing and catching those mistakes

[Ellizabella Dunnmore]

I liked this chapter! Everything (like the tiny details of the weather) helped set up the mood perfectly. Awesome job :) Can't wait to see what happens next and the story behind Peyton. Keep it up!

[RAOrourke]

Thank you so much! :)

[Ellizabella Dunnmore]

You're welcome! :)

[Dalton Holt]

Well written and engaging. Considering that this is the first chapter, it needs to be very engaging so that the reader is hooked on the first sentence. You've got that part done. The first sentence already is revealing a minor conflict in this part of the story, the post office is about to close and Peyton needs to get there before it does. This right here definitely hooks the reader. The rest of it is well written with clear imagery. You have done well at describing the setting so far, though I think it could use a bit more description to gives us a better image of the setting. It looks like this is a romance novel, which I have no familiarity with, so I'm not to sure of how plot structure and development work in a romance. But I can tell that this is well written and at a great start. Keep it up, don't let yourself give up on writing this novel.

[RAOrourke]

RAOrourke

[delete] [report reply]
13 Hours Ago
Thank you so much Justin for reviewing and the encouragement! Thank you for pointing out the need for more description of the setting as well

[averywhiddock]

I personally loved this chapter and can't wait to read the others after I put the kids to bed. Yay for you for trying something different! I don't think I will ever write romance, but I like to read them! You have such a creative mind! I did notice a few grammatical edits, etc. but I'm sure you already know about those. I really like the Grandmother character. I'll get back to you once I read the other chapters! Great start!

[RAOrourke]

Thank you so much Justin for reviewing and the encouragement! Thank you for pointing out the need for more description of the setting as well

[Dalton Holt]

You commented on the wrong review...

[RAOrourke]

oh boy! That's what happens when you are using an ipad with clumsy thumbs! lol! Sorry!

[13point9]

You're off to a good start! You've got an interesting character (who comes as very nice, strong, and reltable) and there's definitely something going on here that you haven't quite let us in on yet, which is a perfect mix for keeping me hooked, at least. :) Your grammar's solid to my eyes and you've got a fair amount of turbulence going on (which is a good thing! Keeps it interesting!).

That being said, a couple criticisms: You're in a sort of weird position where you're trying to establish Peyton at a partiular point in time/in her life, so most of what's going on here is backstory trying to catch us all up on that, and the naration's catching on it. There's a lot of saying instead of showing going on. You're telling us what Peyton is doing or what Peyton feels, and it comes off a bit dry in some places. I think it might help if instead of describing what she's thinking/feeling, if you just drop those thoughts/feelings directly into the narration (if that makes sense). The narration tends to run slow and her thoughts don't always seem to be keeping pace with the world around her. Like, the post office situation drags a bit and aside from the "son of a b***h" line, I couldn't figure out her and Rebecca's relationship and I wasn't picking up on ny particular emotional connection they might have had... Do they know each other personally or is this a small-town word-gets-around kind of deal? How does Peyton feel about that? She tells herself to pull it together when she leaves, so I assume she thinks she's falling apart, but all of her actions/reactions have seemed very polite, mild, and overall pulled-together. She's a bit distracted, but she's very resolved in what she's doing; it seems as if she is back on steady ground, has a plan set out, and is very in control of her situation again (great strong, determined character, btw). So I'm sorry if I'm nitpicking here, but those are just a couple things like that seemed to conflict to me and they broke the flow of the story when I was reading.

Overall, though, I really think you've got something happening here! You've got a good character, an interesting storyline, and some drama and mystery thrown in there, which is definitely a good formula. It's a good introduction; you've established your main character and her basic situation (still hinting at the specifics but that's the mystery ^^). I feel like I've got the lay of the land. There's nothing too confusing or awkward. A few hold-ups but reading this is otherwise smooth sailing. Keep in mind that all my criticisms are just my opinion and all that jazz :) Write on!

[RAOrourke]

Thanks so much for your helpful review. You brought up wonderful points that I will go back and revisit. I felt the disconnect but wasn't sure how to get in and correct it. Your points were very constructive and helpful! Thanks again!

[SweetNutmeg]

This is a good introduction, but I'm not sure it is quite a chapter by itself.