This Bleeding Storm

Two ships arc and blaze 

Gold and Silver sails unfurled 

or maybe we're just drunk 

on the bloodied whispers of this World. 

You beat upon the Waves 

to ease the blackness of your heart.

But every blow is a heartbeat 

driving us apart.

I am not your Echo. 

I won't sing your twisted song. 

These are not the answers. 

This Place is not where you belong. 

Sometimes a blue and green star

follow different paths

with no answers to the questions 

of how long the Pain will last. 

This world demands that you shatter 

in a hail-fall of glass,

but will you dance with me in our broken Storm

or wait for it to pass? 

There can be such beauty 

even if Sun and Moon collide.

So I see no reason we should bow to them.

Why should royalty have to hide? 

Author's Note

I think this may be one of the most emotional things I've written in a while.

Reviews

[Kristen H]

Terrific imagery and like everyone else, loved the not so perfect rhyming scheme. Sort of like how humans can never be perfect, right? keep up the good work!

[luvs2write]

This is absolutely beautiful...I'm speechless...

[John Fitzgerald]

very emotional piece....I like the way the rhyming is slightly off..makes it feel lkie waves hitting you...an unstoppable force :)

[Rachel Grace]

Thank you so much :)

[Jon Mahaffie]

Normally I hate rhyming poems, but I found this one very effective, so kudos for that. I think the key to making a rhyme scheme work is to make it less noticeable than the images and prose you present, and you did that here. Only having two lines per stanza rhyme was a good idea. The first stanza immediately hooked me. In fact, it's one of the better stanzas in a rhyming poem that I've seen on WC in the 8 years I've been here. I might get rid of "the" in the last line of the first stanza, just to make the line more metrically similar to its rhyming antecedent. In the second stanza, I think the first couplet has far more syllables than the second, and so that negatively monkeys with the rhythm and meter a bit. I love the thematic continuation from the first stanza though. The last two stanzas are cash money, I love 'em. The fourth stanza seems a bit out of place though, both in terms of the theme of the rest of the poem, as well as the style and elegance of language used. It might also be because you include first person language in each of the other 5 stanzas (we're, us, I, me, we, etc;), but not in this one. I think you could probably remove it entirely, but if you wanted to keep it, I'd suggest putting some first person language in. As it stands now, it kind of interrupts the "me vs/and you" nature of the poem to present a concept that exists in other parts of the poem. Like I said though, easily one of the strongest rhyming poems I've read on here! :)

Edit: Also, I was curious about the seemingly random capitalizations in the poem. I understand the capitalization of echo, but I was curious what you had in mind with the others?

[Rachel Grace]

Thank you for the review. I know the rhyme scheme is a little rough, but I wrote this in about 15 minutes and haven't edited it at all yet. The fourth stanza is ironically one of my favorites, but that's for the personal symbolism. The capitalization was a similar concept: almost like I was indicating things that were symbolic of proper nouns. The "blue and green star", "two ships", and "sun and moon" are all the same two people, and in the fourth stanza I guess the speaker steps back and shows a bigger picture, outside of herself and the storm all around her. Maybe that's why I like it.

[Mr_M]

A very beautiful poem. I was on top deck watching this storm you have created roll in. Keep up the good work.