Responsibility

the kid

sitting on a garden wall

swigging Carling

as the rain spits

on the cigarette butts

at his feet

 

does he remember that there is a choice?

would he even think to remember?

 

tonight is the highlight

of mum’s week

Ladies Bingo at the club

her and her mates

falling through the front door

all cackling laughter

and low-cut glitter

 

hurling empty cans and

slurring abuse at

passer bys who

accidentally make

eye contact

he and his friends

are 2-dimensional

anti-social puzzles

 

half-way up the street

another kid

headphones on

blocking their noise

of smashing glass and shouts

finishes English homework

with a tea-towel of ice

pressed to a swelling eye

 

downstairs, dad’s temper

is on its tenth beer

slumped in front

of the television

with no idea if his children

are home or not

nor whether they excel at maths

do well in history

or even go to school

 

this kid is making As and Bs

studying hard in-between

raising three siblings

and himself

and worrying about

being good enough

to go to university

 

maybe opportunity

should be seen

as cause and effect

of responsibility

 

to the self

and to all of humanity

 

for at some point

in their existence

people can choose

to take

the path of least resistance

or to not let their

intelligence go to waste

 

Author's Note

Deliberate non-punctuation...does it work ok?
Let me know what you think of this. Thanks.

Reviews

[Emily B]

How did I miss this one, C.?

It's very good. A deliberate portrait, not pretty, but thoughtful. And true.

It turns out that we can choose. Not to be like our parents. Not to be another un-thinking brick in the wall. We can choose.

[The Rose That Grew From..]

Hey I think its good but r u trying to blame the parent the community or the person I didn't get that part and if its obvious forgive me lol.

[Thea M. Joy]

I really enjoyed the message I got from the poem which was that you have a choice whether or not you succeed in life regardless of whatever circumstances you may have been raised in and/or live in. I think the mini questions are fine though I found the format to be a little on the choppy side. I think where you broke some of the lines interrupts the reader's ability to follow your thought pattern. Otherwise, I think it was a great poem and an enjoyable read.

[Angelheaded Hipster]

As a fan of questioning everything....*LOL* My trademark, perhaps....I say, leave it in. Makes for an awesome opener on the journey of intertwining lives you share with us.
This is a painful slap to those that need to stand up and recognize that they not only hurt themselves, but the ripples spread everywhere....
I really like this..the real life behind the closed door look at people.
And the message is loud, and it is crystal clear.....

[R J Askew]

the two questions do slow it up at a bit perhaps, just as it is revving up. it's gritty and presses the readers nose up agains the way it is for many people who are on the cusp of getting to uni or ending up sitting on the wall with a can of Carling. and i finished reading it thinking how evil indifferent parents are, but then their lives are sapped and maybe they do not know how to make a difference anyway. so much intelligence does go to waste, sadly. like the reality and observation of this.

[PianoandPage]

i don't think they need to be taken out. it's not too preachy for me. maybe for others. not for me.

soooooo many good lines in here. let's see my faves were...

"he and his friends
are 2-dimensional
anti-social puzzles" - like are you kidding me? i'm uber jealous of this.

"downstairs
dad's temper
is on its tenth beer" - i love the idea of emotions being nouns that are beyond our control. nice.

the end did seem a teensy bit off from the narative beats that preceded it but overall i was completely drawn in. great write!

[Jake Svercek]

Firstly, I would suggest a like break here:

"hurling empty cans and
slurring abuse at
passer bys who
accidentally make
eye contact

he and his friends
are 2-dimensional
anti-social puzzles"

Also, if you split the piece into two cantos and went for a less didactic approach, it would be less "preachy". The juxtaposition would already be there.

I think with the first section you left a measure of doubt, this certain subtlety, but it was lost in the second section--far from being unclear, it seems almost blatant.

I think that you should not underestimate your ability to communicate without saying it outright. I would have preferred demonstration rather than reflection--I feel that your reflection in the second portion:

"maybe opportunity
should be seen
as cause and effect
of responsibility"

sort of slows down the poem unnecessarily.

Also, the questions are quite good. On a personal level, they are what interested me the most.

What I like most about this piece is the dichotomy, but I feel that it could have been explored further.

[lostintheworld]

i like the questions in line 7 and 8.
I dont think it's preachy at all.
I love that it's saying we all have to take ownership of our own lives
and that ultimately we are the masters of our fate.

life is only 10 % what happens to you, 90% what you do about it....
we are 10% literal and 90% metaphor....

I wish more young people saw it this way.

the stanza that begins "hurling empty cans" confused me a bit. it could be me though, i'm not that smart...hahah. I guess i just stumbled over it. I see now that it's a different situation that you are discussing, i think...but initially i wondered if it was the same kid sitting on the wall from the first stanza...or if it was the bingo mums gone wild.... but i see the "he and his friends" so i'm guessing it's another scenario you are introducing.
I love the "antisocial puzzles"....

nice write.

[Jenny Davis]

I think the two questions adds to this and sets up your point nicely. I didn't see this as too preachy, I thought it was good, solid wisdom and advice. This is an eye opener and does present a question in one's mind whether or not a child's surroundings effects their choices in life, however, in this piece you made the character strong willed and no matter the situation they are doing the right thing for themselves. This person may pay for this life emotionally one day, but he is a survivor and decided to press on. Some people learn from the negative actions of their parents and choose to not be like them! I liked this and thought it was a great take on molding of lives.

[Bubo]

Social sad fact of life, that many many children will fail due to up bringing, but some exceptions where
they are bright and learn at all costs, knowing its the only way out for a better life........
A very powerful write........and so realistic its frightening.
Lines 7-8 could always be added as a bottom closing, but it fits well where it is.