A past horror

A past horror

A Chapter by RainDancer1997
"

This is to tell about Serene's childhood.

"

 

 

   "Mommy! Please don't go!" the little girl cried. Serene didn't want her mom to leave her no matter what danger she was in.

 

   "Baby, I have to. You're in danger just by standing next to me," her mother explained tears sliding down her cheeks. Seeing the tears made Serene cry harder and harder. Serene wrapped her little arms around her moms legs, not letting go for anything.  

 

   "Mommy, nooooo! I need you!" Serene cried blond locks falling in her face. Her mom kept trying to get her grip undone, but Serene wouldn't lessen it any. Both their faces are tear streaked and red from all the crying.

 

   "Baby, look at me," her mother demanded getting on her knees. She took Serene's hands and they both looked into each others   blue teary eyes. Serene smoothed her mom's frosted blonde hair trying to be strong for her mommy.   

 

   "I love you so very much. I love you more than life itself. You are my pride and my joy. I will be in your heart for the rest of your life, and please don't ever forget that! You are so precious, and don't let anyone tell you different! Who are you Serene?" Her mother asked tears falling freely out of her very own blue eyes. Serene almost couldn't answer over the sobs racking her little body.

 

   "I am my mommy's daughter! I am beautiful, I am courageous, and I am wanted," she cried the tears almost making her shake violently. The little girl wrapped her arms around her mother and squeezed her tightly never wanting the embrace to end. She never wanted to let her mommy go!

 

   "So what are you going to do when I leave?" her mom asked her.

 

   "I will hide under the bed until the police comes and gets me. Mom why can't they take you to?!" Serene asked almost pleading for her to do just that.

 

   "You won't be safe until we are far apart, baby girl," she replied standing up.

 

   "I don't want you to leave!" Serene screamed sobs making it harder for her to breathe.

 

   "Be a big girl Serene," her mom begged taking off the heart shaped locket from around her neck, " Wear this everywhere you go and please don't forget about me." She could tell that her mom was trying to hold back the sobs. Serene put the locket on and opened it. A picture of her mother holding her was placed inside. When she looked back up her mom was already by the door.

 

   "Now under the bed you go beautiful girl," her mom told her opening the door. Serene hid far under the bed and silenced her sobs. The door closing signaled that her mom had left. The door reopened and Serene heard her mothers boots before she seen them. Her mother had come back! She had changed her mind! Happiness flooded her heart. That was until she heard the other voices.

 

   "You thought you could just skip out and run, huh?" said a man with a husky voice.

 

   "I was going to get my daughter from her aunts," her mother said trying to keep her voice steady. Serene wanted to crawl out from under the bed and teach that man a lesson for talking to her mommy like that!

 

   "Your payment is due Dawn!" Said another man pulling out a long blade.  She saw her mother take a few steps back and gasp.

 

   "Your daughters next," the other man laughed.

 

   "Don't you touch her!" her mom screamed. Serene heard the blade swing through the air, and she heard the slicing of flesh. Her mother hit the floor eyes staring directly into hers.

 

   "Silent," her mother mouthed before the blade came down again ending her life. Tears forced themselves out of her eyes, but she managed to keep the sobs away until the two men left the apartment. Serene glanced out the window to make sure they were gone before rushing to her mother's side. They had stabbed her right in the heart, a vampires only weakness. Serene spent that night hugging her mothers dead corpse. The cops came twenty minutes later. But they were to late for her mom, the only person that ever meant anything to her.  



© 2013 RainDancer1997


Author's Note

RainDancer1997
I really tried on this chapter so hard. I almost started crying writing this. Picture is of Serene's mother. Ik it's short

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"out anywhere, and she's relatively nice." The word 'relatively' just seems odd there after you have said how amazing beautiful her mother was.

"and she heard the slicing of flesh." Would a four year old know what the slicing of flesh sounded like?

"But they were to late for her mom, the only person that ever meant anything to her." I would say that to most four year olds there mom is their entire world so I think this phrase is not needed. Maybe something else that is nice and sentimental.

You write great dialogue. I could clearly see how this conversation would go and the emotions behind it. I quite like how this flashback comes after the first scene too. It makes an interesting break in the present narrative.

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Really amazing :) It made me want to curl up into a ball and cry like a baby considering I don't have my mom any more but still it was really beautiful. The only two things I'd tweak are the "...and she's relatively nice" I don't think any child anywhere thinks their mom's just relatively nice. Mother is the name for god on the lips and hearts of all children. And secondly I'd change "Your life ends now Dawn", I don't know it just doesn't sound like something someone who'se gonna kill someone would say. Still overall it's an A+++ chapter.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RainDancer1997

10 Years Ago

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and yes thanks for that advice:) Sorry bout your mom thou.. read more
DeadWolf

10 Years Ago

It's ok, it's been a while now. Still though stories where there's like honest love between parent f.. read more
RainDancer1997

10 Years Ago

Its very understandable
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Pam
Damn. I LOVE this chapter. It's just... I'm utterly speechless. It was so beautiful :') I'm guessing that Serene's past is probably why she's so cruel now toward everyone and why she is how she is.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This is a nice backdrop of Serene's childhood.

Here you have the narration saying they are in danger, then reiterate it with the Mom telling us about the danger.

"Serene didn't want her mom to leave her no matter what danger she was in.

'Baby, I have to. You're in danger just by standing next to me' her mother explained tears sliding down her cheeks."

Description would help show us the danger they are in. Also,the mother's talking to her daughter, so using "I have to protect you" or "You're not safe" instead of repeating the same line again might be more effective.

There's a chalk full of description within the first paragraph. It's a lot of information a once. Appearance, age, and emotion from the Serene. It's a little overwhelming. Breaking it up with dialogue helps.

"Her mother looked down at her precious four year old trying to suppress the urge to cry. 'Baby, I have to,' her mother explained allowing her tears to flow freely, "You're not safe around me." Seeing her mother's sad face made Serene cry. Wishing she had blonde hair like her mother. It made her stand out anywhere. Her mother was truly beautiful even when she cried. Serene wrapped her little arms around her moms legs refusing to let go."

When you look at this paragraph you originally wrote. The last sentence:

"Just because she's four, they don't think she can protect herself, or her mother."

You have an appositive here. When you remove what's in between the commas, the sentence should stand and make sense on its own:

"Just because she's four or her mother."

It doesn't though. I only point this out because I found it in one of my chapters and I laughed on how it didn't make any sense whatsoever! ^_^ Plus, it was a character doing something he'd normally wouldn't do. (Gosh, I'm still laughing about it.)

You have great descriptions just need more showing vs.telling. I'm still working on this. I've learned the difference. Actually, I'm still learning the difference. ^_^

Great skeleton or first draft. You have great potential! Like I said, once you're finish go back through, maybe chapter by chapter, and working on your descriptions and clean up sentence structure. Trust me it's a tedious task. Good luck! ^_^

Keep Writing!



Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RainDancer1997

10 Years Ago

Thanks so much for taking the time to help me out:)
Amaya Sullivan

10 Years Ago

Of course. It's a great story!
"out anywhere, and she's relatively nice." The word 'relatively' just seems odd there after you have said how amazing beautiful her mother was.

"and she heard the slicing of flesh." Would a four year old know what the slicing of flesh sounded like?

"But they were to late for her mom, the only person that ever meant anything to her." I would say that to most four year olds there mom is their entire world so I think this phrase is not needed. Maybe something else that is nice and sentimental.

You write great dialogue. I could clearly see how this conversation would go and the emotions behind it. I quite like how this flashback comes after the first scene too. It makes an interesting break in the present narrative.

Posted 10 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

awwwww poor little girl! Painful to read but great at the same time.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RainDancer1997

10 Years Ago

I wanted Serene to have a painful background and I came up with this:) Thanks for reading:)!
Nice bit of back-story! Painful to read but great at the same time.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Anubis

10 Years Ago

Always good to have emotional bits in horror stories, the more emotiona and frightening the better I.. read more
RainDancer1997

10 Years Ago

Exactly!! Suspense and junk like that is what makes you want to keep reading. Not everything is butt.. read more
Anubis

10 Years Ago

Is is indeed! It's always interesting when characters have difficult pasts too, characters that have.. read more
A vampire story with a social message. You have no idea how hard everybody has been trying to do this. I thought it a little much for the little girl on the scene but you write with the flair of a woman wrestler on WWE and took away the sting of civility. Nice job ma'am.

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This....was.....AMAZING! I really felt the emotion and the sorrow of this piece, I guess the "weight" of it! I was extremely impressed with how the dialogue you used between a mother and a daughter truly brought the chapter to life! Like WOW! Seriously, this makes me want to go hug my mother and never let go! I just cannot tell you what a good job you did, especially considering how much the scene comes to life in such a short time. Again, it was the GREAT dialogue that really made it amazing and helps the reader feel the sorrow and emotion. Great, just awesome. I would usually say more description would be nice, but it's just simply not necessary with this piece considering how good the dialogue is. MORE PLEASE! :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


RainDancer1997

10 Years Ago

Oh wow:) Thanks so much!!!!
It shows that you tried really hard on it! Great Job!

Posted 10 Years Ago


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ron
Its Great. I loved how you conveied the scene to the reader. Very nicely done.

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on August 10, 2013
Last Updated on August 15, 2013
Tags: killers, murders, vampire, a mother's love, emotional, child, love


Author

RainDancer1997
RainDancer1997

ragland, AL



About
I'm from a small town in Alabama and I love skateboards and any type of rock music. I love to talk to anyone, and I hope ya'll like my writings:)! MY fav music:) Sleeping with Sirens .. more..

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