No Politics Please - A Weekly News Bulletin!

Satire!

 

No Politics Please – A Weekly News Bulletin!

 

Obama is black, almost. McCain is White and grey. Biden is very old. Palin is young. And her daughter is pregnant and very young. Hillary is angry and waiting. Mr. Clinton is seething and frustrated. Al Gore has gone green and invisible. Bush is on the way out. Blair is out of the glare.

 

Dick Cheney shot his own reflection on the mirror thinking it was a bear.

 

CIA has made a breakthrough in the Anti-terrorism front. With inputs from the internal agency FBI and the NSA and some help from Pakistan and democratic Afghanistan they have confirmed that Osama has shaved his beard, but they are yet to confirm if the moustache is still there. Mushraff has resigned from Presidency and is not sure what designation he holds now.

 

China hosted the best Olympic ever. Dalai Lama is still a terrorist. Phelps swims faster than a fish.

 

Taliban is regrouping. Afghanistan has won a gold medal.

 

Angelina Jolie has delivered twins and is planning to adopt them. Batman is okay, but everyone is mourning the death of the Joker.

 

Iraq’s economy is down; bomb prices have gone up, less suicide blasts. France first model, I mean, first lady Ms. Carla Sarkozy’s full-clothed photos are leaked and she has taken objection to it. Paris is still the capital of romance. Paris Hilton has released a new sex video, but she is not sure who the guy was. Britney has lost a few pounds and her children custody too. She is confused whether to be happy or sad. Lindsay Lohan is driving around drunk and nobody is arresting her for DUI. She desperately wants to be in the news.

 

In India, inflation has hit record levels. Dollar per barrel is steaming up as usual.

 

Pope has unearthed an old scripture where it says that Islam is the root cause of all problems in the world. He changed his mind an hour later and said it was not his claim, and he is ready to apologize to whomever it may concern.

 

Iran is so painfully slow in producing nuclear weapons that UN is sending scientists instead of inspectors to their nuclear site. Build the damn bomb, idiots!

 

NASA has found that there are signs of water in Mars and one satellite photograph has identified Elvis Presley. They have approached Lance Armstrong and Stephen Speilberg to stage a landing on Mars.

 

Michael Jackson turns 50 years old and has found out that he indeed was born a woman. He says he would love to have kids. Madonna too turned 50 and is planning to divorce Guy Ritchie. She was about to convert to Hypnotism, but stopped at the last moment after it was explained to her that it was not a religion.

 

By the way, apart from these 0.000000001% of the world population, the common people who constitute just the other 99.999999999% population have minor problems with employment, malnutrition, diseases, food, oil and some environmental issues.

 

Good Day!

Author's Note

Okay, I may have been a bit cynical somewhere up there, but there is an underlying anger raging inside. I would be happy if it brings a smile, but would be happier if it made you think. Thank You.

Reviews

[Tomás Ó C..]

A great rant against the pulp that is portrayed as worthy news in the press!

[stormchaser]

i love this satirical piece.it would be nice if we could catch up sometime.Please do drop me a line [email protected]
-kalai-

[Carey Lenehan]

Stumbled on this and both laughed and thought, mostly about how well and concisely you had illustrated the events and the structure of connection was impeccable. Cynicism well expressed and much identified with. Fantastic piece of writing. Some awesome lines....

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

Great work Raj, I really enjoyed this write. You did a good job in lightening up the reality of the news.

[Bill Grimes Jr.]

Clever and precise Raj..........A great piece of work my friend......I have read it many times and smile deeper with each new visit......

Peace,

Bill

[Rick Puetter]

Dear Raj,

Artfully done. As others have already commented, the flow is wonderful and very natural. The transitions are barely perceptable and that allows the message to be uninterrupted. And your quick commentaries on each of the "news items" is quite on, I would say. The closing summary, pointing out the real news in the world, hammers the message home. It's too bad that people will pick up tomorrow's newspaper or switch on the 10 o'clock news and be subjected to the same barrage again, barely aware that they are being entertained rather than really being informed.

Best regards,

Rick

[Deborah Shepard]

really well doine it does make you think

[TL Boehm]

ah the thing about satire is that the reader must be intelligent enough to get the joke. These days on the cafe there may be those who don't but I found this very humorous and yes, thought provoking. I think the final statement is strong and well placed. Well done.

[Blade & Blood (The ..]

This was very funny! And smart. :D It's sounds to me like you just wrote a rant, but part of me feels like you just wrote a poem; it was really flowy in most parts. :) You started it off excellently, by the way! This was hilarious!

Thanks for sharing. ^^

Ironically Yours, Blade and Blood

[dilettante1890]

I like cynicism in the regard to the s****y state of the world. I'm angry about it too. Nice work!