It’s  Going To Kill You

It’s Going To Kill You

A Story by Rasheem
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A monster begins to stalk a troubled young man.

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“What's the matter Charles You’ve been acting funny all day?” Cynthia asks with squinted eyes.

Is it that easy to tell? I thought my paranoia would go unnoticed if I kept a smile on my face. I guess it's no use trying to hide the fact I'm scared shitless right now.

“Charles what's going on? At the movies you smiled and laughed historically the whole time!”

“ You’re point is?”

“It was a horror film Charles!”

Damn it now she thinks I'm crazy like everybody else. Cynthia grabs my hand gently looking in my eyes with those beautiful green eyes of hers.

“ I’ve known you for a long time Charles it has been awhile since we’ve seen each other but I still know when something is wrong.”

Cynthia’s soft touch and calming eyes put me at ease for a moment I almost forget there is a monster standing behind her staring at me with black eyes.

Is today the day? Is it finally going to kill me? I grab Cynthia’s arm pulling her gently in front of me. Now I could no longer see the creature.

“Charles you’re starting to scare me.”

I could tell by the look on her face that she was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

“ Ok what I’m about to say is going to sound crazy but I swear it’s the truth unless I’ve been diagnosed with some unknown illness.”

“I’m listening .” Cynthia looks at me sincerely like she really wants to hear what I have to say.

“Ok a few months ago” I pause for a second wow it’s been that long?

“About a couple months ago my life turned into a nightmare everyday I’m paranoid thinking today could be my last.”

“Charles that’s nothing to be paranoid about nobody knows when there last day is.” Cynthia interrupted

“Cynthia you interrupted to soon let me finish, one night after I left the bar I went to a fortune teller I don’t know why I just had one to many drinks and didn’t want to get in my car yet. The building was across the street from the bar. So I said to myself might as well get my fortune read. It’s not like I believed in the stuff just killing time so I could sober up.”

“At the time I didn’t think it was weird for the place to be open so late at night. When I walked inside I saw a lady smoking a cigarette and looking out the window in the back corner.”

“I knew you was coming.” The fortune teller said with her back turned towards me.

“Her comment made me chuckle, I asked her how she knew I was coming.”

“ I’ve been waiting for you Charles Gibbons.” She said with her back still turned

“My grin immediately fell it was a real surprise. How do you know my name?”

“She points her hand towards a small round table in the middle of the room.”

“Have a seat Charles I will tell you your fortune she said.”

“At this point she had my cooperation anybody that could tell me my name without ever seeing me before deserves a listen. So I sat down she sat across from me, she ashes her cigarette on the table.”

“Hold on Charles what did the lady look like?” Cynthia asked

“She was old like late sixties or early seventies, her face was all wrinkly and it didn’t look like she was from America maybe she was from Colombia or the Dominican republic and she wore this long black silk dress but it looked more like a night gown maybe it was. I was still pretty drunk at the time but she had my attention.”

Cynthia shakes her head. “I see your drinking habits haven’t changed you probably told her you’re name while you were under the influence you just don’t remember.”

“I did not she told me as soon as I walked in I swear! Now if you don’t mind I’d like to finish the rest of my story. She hands me some cards and told me to shuffle them. So I did then handed them back to her. She said the cards was going to tell me about myself. As she flipped the cards over I noticed there were Egyptian images on them. She told me what they meant as she flipped them over. She told me things like how strong minded I was. She told me how I was in the hole financially for a long time but not anymore she even told me about my bad drinking habits and how I couldn’t go a day without at least one beer.”

“Well she probably just went off the fact you were hammered when you walked inside.” Cynthia said coldly

“Maybe but it wasn’t until the end our session when I was told some disturbing news. As she laid the last three cards down she began to shake her head slowly.

“Oh no this isn’t good.” She said

“ What isn’t good?”

“Someone has placed a dark omen over your life.” She says in a voice that was just above a whisper.

“ What do you mean by that?”

“Someone went to a root worker and a very powerful one, they had spent a lot of money for ill will to be done on your life, do you know anyone who would want to cause harm on your life Charles?”

“ This is when it started getting skeptical I mean sure I have some people that don’t like me but hell everyone has enemies and to pay a lot of your hard earned cash just to f**k my life up spiritually? I mean damn I just didn’t think it was that serious but I bit into it.”

“So what do I have to do to get rid of this omen?”

She cuffed her hands together holding them under her chin while looking at me.

“This is a very dark omen someone really wants nothing but bad fortune for you. It’s no wonder I sensed your energy from across the street I will need twenty five hundred in cash.” The fortune teller said looking at me like I would say yes.

“Now I don’t know if she was trying her luck or if she actually thought I just had that type of money laying around somewhere. Even if I did I wasn’t about to pay a fortune teller who knew a few tricks that type of money.”

“So what did you do?” Cynthia asked

“ I did what any broke drunk n***a would do. I thanked her for the reading got up and walked away. Her last words one I regret ignoring to this day were.”

“This is a one time offer Charles. I know you have the money saved up and you think that spending it on something like this is a waste of time but I assure you that couldn’t be further from the truth.”

“The very fact she knew I had twenty five hundred actually saved in my savings account should’ve been enough to sway me but it took me six months to save up that money and I was planning on using it to go back to school. There was no way in hell I was finna give all that money to a fortune teller who says I have bad luck coming my way, but what that fortune teller saw was true. It was more horrifying that I could’ve ever imagined. If I had known the terror that was to come my way. I would’ve got in my car drove to the bank and pull out every dime of that money but I didn’t know I was just drunk trying to pass some time.”

“So is that it? You’re walking around paranoid because of what a fortune teller told you a few months ago?” Cynthia asked

“No Cynthia that was just the beginning of my story as I was walking out the fortune teller handed me a folded piece of paper she instructed me not to open it until the next day. So I stuck it in my glove department and drove home.”

“That next morning life as I knew it changed. I remember having this dream. It was about you and I Cynthia four long years had passed since we last seen each other and then finally we see each other. It was at a kick back all of my friends were there. You spoke to all of them Todd, Rico you even spoke to Eric and I remember you really hated Eric. Then you walked right past me without even looking my way. I saw what you were doing but instead of starting a conversation myself I chose to ignore you. The whole day we ignored each other it were as if you wasn’t in the room. I could hear you laughing at my friends jokes while I sat quietly in the other room.”

Cynthia’s face shifts as I told her about my dream. Her grin fades away and she just looks at me with those eyes of an angel I wait for moment to see if she had anything to say but she just watches me so I continue.

“Then I woke up one eye open staring up at my ceiling nose stuffed up from the fan blowing in my face all night. I lay there for awhile without moving thinking back on what I had just dreamed. Then I sat up slowly both my eyes were wide open now. I stared at something that made me believe I was still dreaming only the bad dream had turned into a nightmare. Before me standing maybe three feet in front of my bed was this man that looked exactly like me. Only it’s skin was white as a cloud in the middle of summer. It stared at me with pitch black eyes.”

“I jump out of bed quickly eyes darting between the man and the door. It followed my every move with those black eyes. I ran for the door almost broke my shoulder trying to open it so fast. I screamed at the top of my lungs. One of my roommates step out of the room alarmed. I saw the 9mm he held close to his chest.”

“Shoot him! shoot him!” I yell

My roommate raises his pistol in my direction.

“Shoot what?” He says.

“That man he’s in my room.”

“ Rico moves closer to my room hand gripped firmly around the pistol. He pokes his head slowly around the corner then rushes in with his pistol pointed straight.”

“My heart is beating a thousand times per minute. How in the hell did he get in my room and without waking me up I’m a very light sleeper the tiniest of noises would wake me out of my sleep.”

“Charles are you f*****g with me right now?” Rico asked as he stepped out of my room.His pistol was lowered to his side.

“Rico what are you doing!? Shoot him!”

Rico’s facial expression changed. “Charles I got to admit you had me. The way you screamed I actually thought there was an intruder in the house.”

“Rico.. there is an intruder! He’s standing in my room!”

“Alright Charles you can drop the act now.”

“I could tell by the look on Rico face that he seriously didn’t see anything. I moved closer to my room poking my head around the corner. The Snow White version of a man who looked like me was standing right were I last saw him only his body was turned towards me. No this is not a man who looked just like me. This is a monster.”

“Rico..” I say in a voice that’s barely louder than a whisper.

“You say that there is no one in there?”

“Are still tryna keep this up Charles? No there is no one in there you know that.”

Rico walks back to his room shaking his head he slammed the door behind him.

“You play to much Charles!” Rico yelled through the door.

“Only I was not playing maybe I’ve developed crazy did I take some kind of drug that makes me hallucinate? No all I did was get stupid drunk at the bar last night. That won’t make you hallucinate maybe forget a few things but I won’t be seeing s**t the next day. All this while my mind was switching thoughts a hundred times per second. I run out the door without closing it behind me. Moving so fast it felt like I flew down the stairs and in to my car.”

“O f**k! I yell after realizing I left my keys in my room. Then a sigh of relief after remembering I have a spare in my glove department. I open my glove department noticing a white piece of folded paper sitting on top of my manual for the 2004 impala I remember the fortune teller lady telling me not to open this till the next day. I open the piece of paper shivers shot through my body like lightning in all caps written in red ink the words “ITS GOING TO KILL YOU”

Cynthia walked to the couch in the living room and sat down. She gestured for me to sit down with her so I did.

“ Continue you’re story I just got tired of standing.” Cynthia said while throwing her beautiful long black hair behind her back.

“ I looked in the rear view mirror saw a reflection of myself sitting in the back seat. Except its eyes were white as milk I snap my head back to see no one sitting there. Now my heart is racing a million beats per minute.”

“Get it together Charles get it together you’re still dreaming that’s it! I slap myself hard in the face I need for you to wake up now dog wake up!”

“Breathing heavily trying to calm down. I notice someone walking down the steps leading from my apartment in a slow pace. My breathing rate increases once I made out the figure. The Snow White version of myself walked towards me with an blank expression on its face. I crank my car up switching it in reverse then back in drive probably hit a world record for fastest back up and drive away.”

“I didn’t know were I was driving to. It did not matter my only goal was to get away from that creepy look alike of myself. I turn my car so fast that I almost flip my impala. Luckily there was no incoming traffic if there had been I would no longer be worried about a monster following me. I speed down the highway my speedometer reads ninety miles per hour and climbing my mind was running about a hundred miles per second”.

“Calm down Charles what can I do? Then it hits me. The fortune teller from last night. I have to see her again she can help I’ll just have to give her my entire savings. I won’t be in school next semester but at least I’ll have my life. As I speed towards the plaza I notice blue lights flashing in my rear view mirror. F**k! I’m almost there I really don’t need to get pulled over my speedometer read a hundred miles per hour. F**k! He’s going to get me for super speeding sweat ran down my face like a running faucet. What should I do? I’m still a few miles away hell at this point it no longer matters there is no way the police going to let me walk inside the building like nothing happen. I began to slow my speed when I noticed the white clone of myself sitting in the passenger seat beside me.”

“ I slam the car brakes so hard my head hit the steering wheel. I snatch the door open shaking my head rapidly as I stepped out. I started running towards Himbalaya plaza were the fortune teller building is when I heard.”

“Freeze! Put your hands up!”

“I stopped instantly f**k the police I forgot they were behind me just that quick. I turn around slowly intending to comply because well I’m a black man in America and I know doing something that gives even the tiniest bit of suspicion means death.”

“The terrifying lookalike of me met my gaze as I turned towards the police. Standing maybe feet away from me it grinned flashing teeth made of sharp blood stained glass.”

“Get down on your knees and put your hands up!” The police yelled.

“ I heard what the officer said but my body couldn’t move. Is he talking to that thing? Yes he got to be talking to that monster and not me. The officer called for back up on his walkie talkie then repeated his command to me of course he doesn’t see the white monster my roommate didn’t see him either.”

“ It seems only I can see it but it’s not moving it’s just standing there looking at me. The cop begins inching towards me his body passed through the monster.”

“Sir get down on your knees and put your hands up!” The cop yelled

“ I slowly bent down on one knee and then the other putting my hands up high in the air. Is this it? Am I going to die? The other officer slapped his handcuffs on me and read the Miranda rights. He asked me several questions like if I were under the influence of alcohol.”

“Charles in handcuffs I wish I could’ve seen that.” Cynthia said while giggling.

“ That was no laughing matter Cynthia I was scared out of my mind.”

“ I bet you were continue your story it’s getting interesting.”

I don’t know if Cynthia thinks I’m just telling a scary story for the purpose of entertaining her or if she actually believes me but I continue.

“The creature stood behind the cop staring at me those pitch black eyes put me in a trance. I couldn’t move the cops had to force me in the back seat of his car. My ride to jail was the longest ride I ever taken. That monster sat on the opposite side gawking at my face like it was getting ready to take a bite. I got so uncomfortable I began screaming to the cop to let me out there is a monster in the car but he kept driving like he didn’t hear anything. I was freaking out The Whole ride there, Two cops pulled me out of the backseat by force. They dragged me into a holding cell while I screamed and pleaded historically.”

“Son calm down did you take some kind of drug?” The cop asked actually looking kinda concerned for me.

“I looked the officer square in the eyes and said.”

“No there is a monster stalking me and it’s going to kill me.”

“After several more pointless questions they left me alone inside the cell. This isn’t good I can’t get to that fortune teller locked up in here. What should I do? Hell there is nothing I can do in here what are they going to charge me with? I was speeding and I didn’t necessarily comply with the officers demands damn it! I’m going to be here for awhile.”

“The cops came back a few minutes later they scanned me in the system and took my picture. Then they put me in a larger cell with two other people and that demon clone of me stood on the other side of the cell beside a Jamaican guy. It’s almost like it wants to scare me as much as possible before it kills me.”

“I laid on the bottom bunk turning my back on the monster. It wasn’t long before I turned my body back around. Thoughts kept creeping up in my head like how it would bite my throat off if I looked away from it for to long. How would it kill me? Will it rip my heart out of my chest and eat it? Will it stretch it’s jaws wide and swallow me whole? As I envisioned this the creature began to open its mouth similar jaws to mine began to break then stretch all the way down to the floor! The sight of myself like that was so horrifying I couldn’t move. I lay there shaking hoping the creature would make it quick. Only the creatures mouth went back to normal and it just stood there looking at me with a grin on its face. As if to say yes I can kill you by eating you whole if I wanted to.”

“ I don’t mean to interrupt your story Charlie but I’m thirsty do you have anything to drink?” Cynthia asks

I blush slightly she was the only girl to call me Charlie on a regular basis and I was completely ok with that it made me feel special. I made my way to the fridge with my fingers crossed because I know for damn sure I didn’t have anything to drink but maybe my roommates did. Inside the fridge was a half full pint of orange juice this belongs to Eric he the only n***a drink orange juice every day. I normally wouldn’t bother there stuff but this is a special occasion. Cynthia followed me in the kitchen I poured her a cup in a small glass she took it and sat at the kitchen table. The monster had vanished when we moved to the kitchen but I am sure it will return.

“Are you good now? Can I continue?”

Cynthia took a small sip out the glass and nodded her head.

“ What seemed like days had only been twelve hours apparently when my dad came to bail me out. He held the look of disappointment on his face. I knew it well because I’ve seen it multiple times throughout my life. Every time I got fired or quit a job he would give me the lecture about not being a man and what not but I had never gotten arrested this was my first time in my twenty two years of life being behind bars but it didn’t make a difference to him.”

“He boasted about never going to prison being a real law abiding citizen. I thought to tell him about that monster but what good would that do? He wouldn’t believe me anyway. The best thing I can do is ride this lecture out until I get back to my apartment. I looked in the rear view mirror to see the monster sitting in the backseat. Staring right back at me. For some reason it didn’t scare me as much. After that stare down we had in jail I’m kinda getting used to it. Somethings telling me it’s not going to kill me right now.”

“When I arrived to my apartment dad made me pay him for bailing me out of jail. Which really sucked because I also had to pay for my car to get it out of the tow yard by doing both of those things I no longer had the money to pay the fortune teller but the next day sitting in my car I decided to go anyway. Doing the speed limit this time the creature sat behind me staring at me in the rear view mirror as usual.”

“Hey do you talk? it’s kinda weird just staring at me all day.” I ask the monster.

“It felt weird asking that until now I never said anything to it but it didn’t respond instead it smiled revealing bloody teeth. Chills ran down my body followed by a wave of anger.”

“ What the f**k are you waiting for!? Just f*****g kill me and be done with it!”

“I’m not sure what made me snap like that. All in an instant my fear had turned into anger. Like why me? My life sucked enough already it had been four years since I’ve been in school and within those four years was the worse time of my life.”

“I had gone through multiple jobs I didn’t like any of them but out here it’s dog eat dog. During that whole time I wasn’t able to form a stable relationship. I was mostly alone all the way up till this monster appeared. I was about a mile away from himbalaya plaza when I decided to turn around. I looked the white clone of myself in its pitch black eyes and said kill me I’m not going to that fortune teller with my last bit of cash just to save my pathetic little life. I don’t have anything to lose no kids no lover my parents would care for a little while but they will get over it they still will have two other siblings to love after I’m gone.”

“Jeez Charlie lighten up you always get super down when things don’t go you’re way.” Cynthia says then takes another sip of the orange juice.

I ignore her comment and continued telling the story.

“I stopped at the store on my way back home and grabbed a eight pack of bud light. I wasn’t even home yet but was already finishing my second bottle. The creature grinned at me in my rear view which kinda creeped me out because that’s exactly how I look when I grin. I parked my car in the back of my apartment complex then popped open my third bottle.”

“ Occasionally I would glance into the rear view to see if the creature was still watching me. After my sixth bottle I no longer cared.”

“ I see your drinking habits haven’t changed after all these years” Cynthia said while shaking her head.

“ I’ve been working on it give me a break there is a monster stalking me that could kill me at any second.”

Cynthia rolls her beautiful eyes at me.

“ You don’t believe a word I’m saying do you?”

“ I didn’t say that from were your at in your story you don’t seem paranoid or frightened like you were earlier today. It seems like you’ve given up or just said f**k it! Which you do a lot of well Charlie you give up way to easily.”

“What would you have done if a monster started following you and you open a letter that says it’s going to kill you but you don’t know when?”

“Let’s see I sure wouldn’t be drinking myself silly and waiting around for it to kill me. Why didn’t you go back to the fortune teller?”

“ I did end up going back let me tell you the rest of the story and then judge me all you like Cynthia. The next day I woke up my eyes met the monster who stood at the foot of my bed. It startled me because it seemed closer to me than it was yesterday. That day was a Saturday so I didn’t have to work. I usually sit in my room all day and play video games but I couldn’t do that with the creature breathing down my neck. I began visioning ways the creature would kill me again. Like maybe it will wrap it’s long tongue around my body then squeeze me while forcing me to look into it’s dark eyes until a see nothing but black like a python does a rat.”

“ I get up carefully out of bed then fish for some clothes in my dresser I’m careful to keep my eyes on the monster the entire time. When I take a shower I wash with one eye open in case the creature wants to sneak in while I’m bathing but it just waits outside the door at it’s usual distance well not exactly I do believe in fact it has gotten closer to me.”

“ I decide to hop in my car and go see the fortune teller. When I get there fear strikes me like a hit and run. The building were the fortune teller worked was being torn down. I quickly step out of my car running towards the site. A tall white man wearing a white hard hat stepped in my way.”

“We’re do you think you’re going this area is off limits.” He said

“What are y’all doing to this building isn’t this the fortune tellers?”

The man shook his head. “ I don’t know what was here before but we have a contract to tear this building down we’re going to be building a Waffle House here.”

“A Waffle House we already have enough f*****g Waffle houses in the city! S**t there’s basically one on every block why the hell are y’all building another one?”

The White man scratches his nose. “ look sir I have orders to build a Waffle House you need to leave.”

“The realization of this reality hit me like a speeding bullet just like that I had no way to contact the fortune teller. I never got her number I don’t believe she even gave me her name. Nothing left for me to do now but go back home. As I drive back slowly to garden district I felt some pressure on my shoulders looked up The monster was laying on my back looking down at the of my head. I nearly crashed the car in my parking lot. I leaped out the impala kicking and screaming falling to my knees rolling around like I had been caught on fire. I scrambled back up to my feet looking around for the creature.”

“ Is this it am I going to die?”

“Suddenly a great pain rushes across my cheeks. My body rocks back and forth slowly I open my eyes to see Todd.”

“Charles calm down bro what kind of s**t are you on!?” Todd yelled

“ I needed that slap I’m not mad at Todd at all for that thank you Todd. I take three deep breaths nodding my head slowly.”

“You can let go of me now Todd I’m fine.”

“Todd let me go then we headed inside. He sat down on the couch gesturing me to sit down with him he pulled out a fat blunt to sweeten the deal so I took a seat on the other couch. Todd lit the blunt puffing it several times. For some while he didn’t say anything he passed me the blunt and I smoked it slowly. Todd looked at me sternly now.”

“A bro what’s wrong with you man, you been acting real goofy.”

I took three more big hits then passed the blunt back to Todd.

“ You not gone believe me bro but there is a monster standing right beside you. It’s looking at me with evil intent bro.”

Todd looks to the right and left of him. “ you done took them damn shrooms again didn’t you!?”

“No bro I told you that was only one time. This thing appeared following me around for about three days now.”

“ I seen the look on Todd’s face so I rush in my room to grab the piece of paper that read it’s going to kill you and showed it to Todd. He looks at it for about ten serious seconds then cracked a chuckle he stood up then placed his hand on my shoulder.”

“ O you in one of your Charles episodes.” Todd pats me on the shoulder

“ I swear bro you the funniest of them all.” Todd says as he turns away walking back to his room closing the door behind him.

“It was once again just me and the monster. It appears to have gotten closer. It’s odd I never seen it walk except for the first time I read the note it walked down the stairs slow and dramatic as if introducing itself to me. Now it stalks me like a predator appearing from all angles without out ever getting caught moving. It haunts me like a ghost coming and going as it pleases.”

“Hours would go by when it’s not around then suddenly it appears soon as I turn around or simply think that it is gone. That’s why I stopped thinking that it won’t return. Because I know it is never going away until the day it decides to kill me. I don’t think there was one thing I didn’t try to get this creature to stop following me.”

“ I went to church on Sunday feeling kinda bad because I haven’t been in church since last Easter. I singed, danced and prayed with the congregation. The creature swaps locations in the church taunting me as this holy practice goes on. When the choir stands to sing the creature stood among them. Watching me never turning away never blinking. While the preacher preached the creature sat in the front row looking back at me.”

“ This monster not only looked like me today but dressed like me as well. Pink polo shirt tucked in with brown American eagle pants. Except its outfit was covered in blood. Like it got hit with a barrage of bullets or stabbed a thousand times. Time came to the part in church we’re everybody bow there heads while the preacher prayed over them.”

“This was the moment I was waiting for. Lord please remove this demon from my life. I closed my eyes letting the preachers word touch my heart. When the preacher was done everybody raised their heads. I don’t see the creature anywhere but my hopes don’t get up it has done this before. Maybe it will wait till I leave the church before it shows itself again. No Charles this is the wrong attitude to have don’t you believe in god? Then have some faith the lord had gotten rid of this monster for me. It was that simple I should have been turned to the lord for the answer.”

“ I left the church feeling like a new man. Confidence flooding my spirit I hung around the church catching up with old friends before I left about thirty minutes later. Temptation wanted me to go to the store and grab a six pack or at least two cans of reds apple ale, but I fought it off instead I went to my moms house for a little while. It had been a minute since I last visited.”

“ How is your mom doing?” Cynthia asked

“ She is fine picked up a bit of a drinking habit once me and my brother left the house.”

Cynthia frowned. “ I find that hard to believe I’m going to go see Ms Jessica myself.”

“ Are you sure she will even remember you?” I joke kinda not really.

“ I know she will I’m her favorite daughter.” Cynthia says smiling.

“ You mean ex daughter.”

Cynthia squints her eyes at me not saying anything else so I continue my story.

“Mom welcomed me with open arms we laughed and joked while my auntie was in the kitchen preparing dinner.”

“So who you’re girlfriend is now?” Mom asks smiling

“I often lied to my mom and dad about having women when the truth was I didn’t for the most part I’ve been alone but I don’t let them know that so I’d say I have several girls that I talk to just as friends. When I’m around my dad I’d say I was having sex with them and assure him I always used protection. This time however I didn’t feel like lying so I kinda just hung my head low and said.”

“ I don’t have a girlfriend right now.”

Mom smiled and said. “ that’s ok you’re still young no need to rush into anything.”

“Mom had a bottle of crown royal that was mixed with Coca Cola in her cup. My temptation had finally got the best of me. I asked my mom to pour me some and she gave me a substantial amount. I also mixed mine with soda because I don’t like the taste of straight liquor. Mom and I got wasted we laughed at every commercial that showed on t.v pointing out something funny the people were doing in every one of them. When the food was done cooking mom fixed me a plate now and one to go. We ate and drank mom eventually called it a night.”

“Instead of waiting until I sobered up a bit. I decided to hit the road because well I do this s**t. It’s nothing to brag about but I can drive drunk probably better than I can sober. I do the speed limit and hold the wheel steady all the way there. When I get inside my apartment and open my room door. There it was except this monster before showed a new face one that sobered me up instantly it horrified me to the core.”

“A familiar face but one I was not expecting to see ever again. It was you Cynthia the creature that stared at me now was a pale white version of you. Instead of screaming or running away I just looked at it. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing a copy of myself following me around taunting me was one scary thing but a copy of the one I loved the only person I have ever loved in my entire life was a whole other thing.”

“What is this thing? how does it know about you? We haven’t had contact with each other in over a year. Yet this monster before me appeared in a body that looked just like yours. I decided it was time to break our silence Cynthia. I no longer had your number for obvious reasons so I looked you up on Facebook asked for your number and now here we are. I was a little shocked to see you give me your number so easily and even more surprised when you agreed to meet up with me.”

“ Now that I’ve told you my story. What do you think? You don’t believe me right? You think I’m crazy don’t you?”

Cynthia looked me in my eyes they were the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen looking at them to long would freeze me like Medusa does her victims.

Then she said. “ I don’t think you’re crazy Charles. I think it’s going to kill you.”



© 2018 Rasheem


Author's Note

Rasheem
I was originally going to release this piece on Halloween but it wasn’t quite finished yet. Anyway I would love know what y’all think

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• “What's the matter Charles You’ve been acting funny all day?” Cynthia asks with squinted eyes.

Given that I don’t know who either person is, what can “squinted eyes” tell me? For all I know it’s dark, or the wind is blowing grit in her face. Only you know where they are, who they are to each other, or what’s going on. So you have context, but because you provide none, the reader begins the story lscratching their head and wondering what's going on. And clarifying later helps not at all, because a confused reader is one who's closing the cover. And in any case, you cannot retroactively remove the confusion the reader felt—or provide a second first-impression.

• Is it that easy to tell? I thought my paranoia would go unnoticed if I kept a smile on my face. I guess it's no use trying to hide the fact I'm scared shitless right now.

Makes no sense. She didn’t ask him why he’s “scared shitless,” so he did, in fact, hide it. And if he can’t see that (and it appears he didn’t) he’s not smart enough for the reader to care about. The problem is that you’re not asking the character what they think, and want to do, based on their assessment of the situation, you’re assigning them actions and dialog according to the needs of the plot—ypour analysis, not theirs. And that can’t work, because everyone in the story will think with your views, not the personality you’ve given them. They will mouth the words you assign them—even when they wouldn’t make sense to the actual character, as happens here.

• “It was a horror film Charles!”

Here’s the situation, as the reader must see it. Charles, a person of unknown situation and age, living in an unknown year in an unknown country, is terrified for unknown reasons. To cover it up while watching a film, he smiles and laughs continuously, and doesn’t notice either that it’s a horror film or that no one else is laughing? And you expect the reader to accept that? Would you? You hope the reader won’t notice that while sitting next to him in the film she didn’t ask him, then, what was going on? She didn't notice his odd behavior before they arrived at the theater, or on the days leading up to it?

These are not real people, because real people have more sense. Again, you, the puppet master, are moving them around simply because you want to, not because they react to the situation in real-time.

• “Charles you’re starting to scare me.”
• I could tell by the look on her face that she was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

She says he’s “beginning” to scare her. The man grinned for no reason and laughed inappropriately through an hour and a half, or longer film, making them both look like fools in the theater, and she’s just “beginning” to worry? Seriously?

And in response to her saying that she’s frightened he needs to look at her to decide that she’s BEGINNING to feel unconfortable? Did you edit this before posting to see if things make sense? Based on the misplaced quotes and the words left out it appears not.

That aside, you did ask for me to take a look, so, putting on my manuscript critique service hat:

1. You need to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, and read it. And you should take several weeks to finish it, because as each new idea is introduced you need to stop and think about it, and how it relates to your writing, then practice that point till it becomes yours, as against something to nod understanding and forget about a week later.

2. When you finish, use those tricks for six months, and then read the book a second time. It will make a lot more sense, and you’ll learn a LOT of thigs you missed the first time.

3. While waiting for the book to arrive, read this article, a condensation of one of the techniques in the book. Chew on it till it makes sense, then look at some modern action novels to see how it’s used, and what it can do for you.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

4. You might also want to check a few of the writing articles in my blog to get an idea of the areas where you need to improve your understanding of the tricks of the trade.

I’m sorry if this seems discouraging. It’s not meant to do that. And you have a LOT of company, because most hopeful writers, unaware that we’re given none of the tricks of writing fiction in our school days, fall into the same traps.

And the good news? The more you know about the tricks of the trade the more fun it is to write. It never gets easier, but after a while we do improve the crap to gold ratio. And that’s nice. So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JayG

5 Years Ago

• I took it as you saying my work was trash

Everyone writes crap and everyone write.. read more
Cookee korczynski

5 Years Ago

I was just saying you have a lot of talent and to keep going sorry if I offended you
Rasheem

5 Years Ago

Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely keep going



Reviews

I enjoyed the story my friend. You made the reader part of the story. Each scene adding up to the strong ending. I liked the characters and the story line. Thank you Rasheem for sharing the entertaining story. When madness overtake us. Can't be stopped.
Coyote

Posted 3 Years Ago


Hey Rasheem

It's not difficult to see that your head is abuzz with creative ideas. There is a story here that can captivate a reader pretty easily. But stories, when written, need to be told differently than when you're telling them verbally to someone. I'm not saying that's what your story feels like at the moment, but I kinda feel your writing is affected by that mindset. Why do I feel that? Because I used to do something similar to this when I started out myself.

Apart from that, there are a few grammatical issues you can fix. Punctuation errors are everywhere.

The easiest way to make the writing better and identify common errors, improve wording, etc. is to read it sentence by sentence very slowly. For someone who has written the story themselves, this is difficult to do, because we know what's going to happen next and we are seeing those images already. But trust me, it helps! :)

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rasheem

5 Years Ago

Thank you Agyani! I am still in my beginner phase and have a long way to go. I have stories in my he.. read more
Agyani

5 Years Ago

Wow, your second line here is the perfect attitude to keep. :D
I have been sketchy at the cafe since Halloween so I'm still plowing thru my reading library & finding spooky stories! *smile* This is a great story. You are a good storyteller in your own unique style. I like your modern slacker lingo that feels realistic & adds a bit of attitude to your main character. Frankly, I'm not one to go for a bunch of extra words to read & your writing style is a bit loose, using a bunch of extra expressions to get to your point. In short, part of me wanted to speed thru your story alot faster becuz it was going on & on with so many extraneous tangents. But part of me was also very much engaged & trying to convince myself to keep going & finish this damn thing. So that was the feeling of reading, but it was all worth it in the end. You have a great personality that shines thru your story. Nice idea to make this a 3-way conversation, the guy & his girl, plus the story being told in your story. Interesting way to add breaks to the storytelling in your story (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rasheem

5 Years Ago

Thanks Margie I realize I have a long way to go before I can call myself a "Real pro fictional Write.. read more
I have such a hard time paying attention, so I often take a while to get through whole stories, but I was surprise to find myself intrigued throughout this story. Half way through I was like “Hey, I’m still reading. That isn’t very characteristic of me.”

I think you did a great job building suspense and the little details added here and there were perfect. The story line is fantastic and there are so many awesome demonstrations of good writing.

I do not know a whole lot about storytelling and am just currently starting to delve deeper into the topic, so my thoughts don’t have a whole lot of weight in terms of technique or anything, but I really enjoyed reading this!


Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Rasheem

5 Years Ago

Thank you so much H L Rose! I’m glad you liked it
H L Rose

5 Years Ago

Of course!
• “What's the matter Charles You’ve been acting funny all day?” Cynthia asks with squinted eyes.

Given that I don’t know who either person is, what can “squinted eyes” tell me? For all I know it’s dark, or the wind is blowing grit in her face. Only you know where they are, who they are to each other, or what’s going on. So you have context, but because you provide none, the reader begins the story lscratching their head and wondering what's going on. And clarifying later helps not at all, because a confused reader is one who's closing the cover. And in any case, you cannot retroactively remove the confusion the reader felt—or provide a second first-impression.

• Is it that easy to tell? I thought my paranoia would go unnoticed if I kept a smile on my face. I guess it's no use trying to hide the fact I'm scared shitless right now.

Makes no sense. She didn’t ask him why he’s “scared shitless,” so he did, in fact, hide it. And if he can’t see that (and it appears he didn’t) he’s not smart enough for the reader to care about. The problem is that you’re not asking the character what they think, and want to do, based on their assessment of the situation, you’re assigning them actions and dialog according to the needs of the plot—ypour analysis, not theirs. And that can’t work, because everyone in the story will think with your views, not the personality you’ve given them. They will mouth the words you assign them—even when they wouldn’t make sense to the actual character, as happens here.

• “It was a horror film Charles!”

Here’s the situation, as the reader must see it. Charles, a person of unknown situation and age, living in an unknown year in an unknown country, is terrified for unknown reasons. To cover it up while watching a film, he smiles and laughs continuously, and doesn’t notice either that it’s a horror film or that no one else is laughing? And you expect the reader to accept that? Would you? You hope the reader won’t notice that while sitting next to him in the film she didn’t ask him, then, what was going on? She didn't notice his odd behavior before they arrived at the theater, or on the days leading up to it?

These are not real people, because real people have more sense. Again, you, the puppet master, are moving them around simply because you want to, not because they react to the situation in real-time.

• “Charles you’re starting to scare me.”
• I could tell by the look on her face that she was beginning to feel uncomfortable.

She says he’s “beginning” to scare her. The man grinned for no reason and laughed inappropriately through an hour and a half, or longer film, making them both look like fools in the theater, and she’s just “beginning” to worry? Seriously?

And in response to her saying that she’s frightened he needs to look at her to decide that she’s BEGINNING to feel unconfortable? Did you edit this before posting to see if things make sense? Based on the misplaced quotes and the words left out it appears not.

That aside, you did ask for me to take a look, so, putting on my manuscript critique service hat:

1. You need to pick up a copy of Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, and read it. And you should take several weeks to finish it, because as each new idea is introduced you need to stop and think about it, and how it relates to your writing, then practice that point till it becomes yours, as against something to nod understanding and forget about a week later.

2. When you finish, use those tricks for six months, and then read the book a second time. It will make a lot more sense, and you’ll learn a LOT of thigs you missed the first time.

3. While waiting for the book to arrive, read this article, a condensation of one of the techniques in the book. Chew on it till it makes sense, then look at some modern action novels to see how it’s used, and what it can do for you.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

4. You might also want to check a few of the writing articles in my blog to get an idea of the areas where you need to improve your understanding of the tricks of the trade.

I’m sorry if this seems discouraging. It’s not meant to do that. And you have a LOT of company, because most hopeful writers, unaware that we’re given none of the tricks of writing fiction in our school days, fall into the same traps.

And the good news? The more you know about the tricks of the trade the more fun it is to write. It never gets easier, but after a while we do improve the crap to gold ratio. And that’s nice. So hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

Posted 5 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

JayG

5 Years Ago

• I took it as you saying my work was trash

Everyone writes crap and everyone write.. read more
Cookee korczynski

5 Years Ago

I was just saying you have a lot of talent and to keep going sorry if I offended you
Rasheem

5 Years Ago

Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely keep going

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Added on December 13, 2018
Last Updated on December 13, 2018

Author

Rasheem
Rasheem

GA



About
Finding my way more..

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Prologue Prologue

A Chapter by Rasheem


Chapter 1 Chapter 1

A Chapter by Rasheem


Chapter 2 Chapter 2

A Chapter by Rasheem



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