Mom

She said it herself "n***a don’t care about me!!!!"

She didn’t have to tell me that for me to know the truth

I am through. So through with this life I was forced to live

Is it my fault that he left?? Is it my fault that he never came back??
But I was told it is my fault I never let go of him leaving

I never let go of him walking out of my house and leaving for good

I know I should forgive him and spend some time with my grandparents that live in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

I talked to them for the first time on 15 Oct 2011

My grandmother seems nice and my grandfather is goofy

Maybe that’s where I get it from

But I could never really go there when I have fears that I will run into my father

The one that could have taken my whole life away instead of leaving me here to deal with this nonsense

She told me she hates what I’ve become

She told me I am too far gone to come back to reality

The reality I want is really a dream where I am a happy child that has never been deprived

But instead I live a life of a lie where my mom tells me she loves me

Tells me she cares and that she doesn’t know what she would do if she ever lost me

But I know the real reason behind her lies

I became a mother to my little sisters at the age of 12

She doesn’t like children but she became a parental figure to four

Tells me she loves them every night

And I can tell she means it by the gleam of hope she gets in her eyes

She hopes more for them while that hint of lust disappears when she looks at me

All she sees is Stanley Sands within me

Even though the words never cross her lips I know she always thinks 'you'll be nothing just like your daddy was' when she looks at me

She tells me she loves me but I know she says it because she feels like she has to

Has to make me feel like she cares despite her lack of sympathy

I am a doormat to her

One she can control, one that she can easily lie to

But I will no longer be her servant

I will no longer be her disappointment

I will make myself be better just so she can’t control me anymore

But for now I will continue to create this destiny and fate of a lie built on her lack of trust

I will make better of myself just because I know she will never love me like she loves them

She will never appreciate me for who I am because all she sees is me being impersonated by him

Even though I wish things were different between us I know things will never change

I know she will never love me like she loves all the others just like I know she will never appreciate me for me

Because all I see is a different me one without a father

One without love and compassion and attention from her mother

I see the little girl that destines to be more like her just so she will give you an ounce of attention

But I know that will never happen so why do I continue to feel the pain of abandonment

So now I am in this world left alone to drown in pain and remorse that I feel for the lack of love that both of my parents have presented me with

Maybe one day things will change but until that day comes I know things will never be the same between me and her who is also known as the woman whom I call mother