Shielded Girl

A Story by RedCatalina

Girl meet boy. Girls been broken before. Girl has barriers and walls. Boy might be breaking barriers and walls. Girl follows heart.

Anytime he touches me I feel warm and safe. His hands are both rough and soft at the same time, and when they hold me, he feels strong. He’s a tall man; dark complexion, black hair and deep brown eyes. His eyes are beautiful: but he didn’t seem to believe me when I told him so. I told him his eyes were deep, sincere and always seemed to be lost in his own thought, although he rarely tells me what is on his mind. Eyes are a connection point for us. He’s told me numerous times that my eyes are beautiful; recently he’s told me that my eyes are going to make him fall for me.

He has this way of making me crazy; both physically and emotionally. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what it is about him. He has this look of desire in his eyes that makes me squirm in every way. He asked me recently what I wanted from him; I couldn’t answer the question and I still can’t. Basically, this is what it is, until it isn’t. Another concern he has is attachment, but when I asked him if he was worried about my attachment or his own, he couldn’t answer me. When he told me that, I didn’t have anything to say and only responded with “I don’t know what you want me to say; attachment will happen.” Because it will.

In only a few weeks, either myself or him has tried to put this to an end on more than one occasion. Either I wouldn’t hear it, or he wouldn’t. Try as we have, our desire to explore this continues to happen. So, here we are, exploring.

This leaves me now, wondering what he is currently doing and being only slightly salty he isn’t doing it with me. I can honestly say I tried to cast aside all emotional feelings for only my physical desire, and it worked for a while; but he has a way of making it so that can’t happen. Instead of allowing it to stay physical, he lets emotion come in, even after I’ve expressed my need for him not to. I’ve told him that the little sweet things he says, he can think all he wants, but he shouldn’t say them. His only response was to tell me he can do what he wants and call me what he wants; and he does.

One other thing that allows my desire for him to grow is his jealousy factor. While I am not his to be jealous or protective of, he is anyway. He told me that if this comes to an end, that I must promise him not to see anyone else he knows or associates with. I asked him why and he responded with a simple “because.” When I finally got him to explain more, he said that a few of his friends were talking about me on a physical level and it really bothered him and he wasn’t okay with it. I made him this deal.

He scares me and I know I scare him too. We don’t know what it is, why it is or what it can or should or would become. We know its dangerous and we know it needs to end. We also know that it’s proven hard to end. Treading this carefully is my only objective right now, to avoid pain on either side and problems in either one’s life.

But at the end of the day, all I can remind myself is that desire is fueled from a place other than the mind. While your mind knows the logical side of every situation, your heart will almost always pull you somewhere else. You can fight the heart, but it usually wins. In my life, I usually explore what my heart tells me, and it’s lead me to some of the greatest experiences but also some of the most painful experiences of my life. I wouldn’t have it any other way.