Nothing Else to Say

Nothing Else to Say

A Poem by Renette Hollow

I never told anybody what I dreamed about
I never told them, never a whisper nor a shout
Of the dreams that danced in my mind
Of the nightmares that burned inside
The thoughts of blood and death, of pain
Each dream different, each dream the same
A terror that wove a tapestry on my dream loom
That hangs in bloody tatters in my mind room
A vision of horror and anger, such a rage
That makes me tear at my skin, blood on the page
Blood on my fingers, tears in my eyes
Fear in my heart, fear that creates lies
Hope lost forever, despair takes its place
And I hide it all, a smiling mask on my face
Who ever said life would suck this bad? 
Why is it that no matter what, I'm always sad? 
Scars in a random pattern run down my skin
Evidence of my failures, proof of my sin
I am nothing but a disappointment, a mistake
I do nothing right, I give none, I only take
I have nothing to offer anyone, nothing at all
I am unwanted, a nuisance, into depression I fall
A fool I was to believe that I would receive anything
That I should get anything but what I am: nothing
I am nothing but an animal, I belong in a cage
I have nothing within but a psychotic rage
Ripping at my own flesh and wishing I was dead inside
That I could feel nothing because of the monster in my mind
This creature that whispers in my ear words of hate 
Words of defeat, of loss and pain, it's too late
Most of the time I just wish that dead I lay
There's something wrong with me, nothing else to say. 

So if you hear me screaming at night
If you see me fighting with all my might
If you feel my fear, my pain, my rage
If you read my desperate words on this page
If you taste my sweet blood on your skin
Know that I am punished for every sin
Know that I wish that things were different now
Know that I wish I wasn't alone somehow
And if you can rescue me from the demons
If you can save me from my dreamings
Then help me, save me from these nightmares
Because I cried alone all night and no one cares
I'm down here all alone, begging on my knees
For God to save me, I'm saying pretty pretty please
But the pain only gets worse, a burden I can't bear
Someone help me, someone save me from my nightmares
I'm screaming for you not to leave me all alone
But no one listens and my heart feels like a stone
Could it be that I had everything all wrong? 
I don't know, I'm hanging by my fingernails and not for long
In no time, I'll be falling, plunging into the dark
Into the clutches of my monster, who grins like a shark
And no matter how much I scream or how I cry
I'll never be able to do anything but lie
To say that I'm just fine, that I'll be okay
Because there's really nothing else I can say
For he doesn't care, he won't listen to me
My pain, my agony deep inside he won't see
He refuses to take notice, I am lost
In his eyes I am a mistake and now I pay the cost
I want to just break down and cry
Tears and pain, clinging to my reason why
Holding tight to the one for which I threw everything away
Foolish child that I am, nothing else to say. 

So now I am plagued by doubts and fears
I can't sleep, I have nothing but nightmares and tears
And a pain that aches deep in my chest
An agony that keeps me from any rest
Except for when my reason why holds me tight
Reminding me why I held onto him with all my might
Showing me why I let everything else go
Because I belong with him, that for sure I know
He's my safe harbor in a storm, he is my heart
The one I lost, before he left, he tore me all apart
But my reason why walks in, picking up all the pieces again
He puts me back together, soothing the terrible pain
 Calming the horrible rage, banishing my fears
And in the most gentle way possible, wipes away my tears
His soft whispers tell me that I am not a waste
And his kiss is a Heaven in itself, such a sweet taste
And even though I still hurt deep down inside
I somehow find a way to lock up the beast in my mind
I somehow tame the terrible anger and hurt
And I carefully remove from under my nails the dirt
And the blood from the scarring, staring up at the moon
Whispering a soft prayer, telling myself I'll see him soon
All I have to do is keep my fears at bay until then
So I just keep writing, words flowing from the pen
Keeping the monster from breaking free
Hiding all my pain and fear inside me
Until I see him again, when he'll hold me tight
And his love drives back my eternal night
Saving me from the dreams of pain and despair
When I have a nightmare, he'll be there
I sleep so soundly and deeply within his embrace
I'd rather be there than any other place
He forces back the bad dreams, rescuing me
He is what I need to live, can't they see? 
But all the one I lost had to say he said with anger
And as time went one ,neither of us saw the danger
Now we are on opposite sides of a rift; he walks away
He wants nothing to do with me anymore, nothing else to say. 

Was it wrong for me to dream of flight? 
Was what I felt was true, never right? 
Was it a sin to think I could escape the night? 
Was I a fool to feel so safe when he held me tight? 
Was it foolish to think that love would save me
When all that I am is a half-orphan to be? 
But if I really was so very, terribly wrong
Why have I held onto him so tightly for so long? 
Why do I feel like what I am doing is right
Even if it seems as impossible as flapping my arms for flight
Why do I still want so badly to foolishly try?
A voice whispers in my ear that his love is a lie
But then why does the sweetness in his voice ring true? 
The one I lost says he is a liar and a fake, too
But he doesn't know my reason like I do
He's never heard the truth inside his "I love you"
So why does it still hurt to lose the one I lost? 
Is it because he so casually aside me he tossed? 
I don't know, but now it is far too late
I fear that all he feels for me is just hate
And so I lay in bed the pain of it making it so I cried
Maybe it wouldn't be like this if I hadn't said he lied
But it's too late now, I've lost my dad
He doesn't call me his daughter anymore; that makes me sad
So I have to move on now, I have to remember the reason why
The one that will always love me, and be there while I cry
And hope and pray that my reckless roll of the dice
Pays off and I don't end up falling through thin ice
So now I must cage the anger, hedge the rage
And keep more blood from spattering the page
For no matter how much I want to die
I can't yet, I made a promise to him and I won't lie
So I fight back the monsters that aren't under my bed
Or inside the closet, I fight the ones in my head
Whispering dark things, but I have to ignore it
I've lived through the worst of all that drama s**t
So now I have to do my best to live and not run away
I just have to hold the one I love tight, nothing more to say. 

© 2013 Renette Hollow


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sav
i resonate with this so much. it was angelically written.

Posted 1 Year Ago



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Added on May 29, 2013
Last Updated on May 29, 2013