What It Feels To Be Alone

My struggle with depression has lasted for almost a year, perhaps more. This is me trying to explain what it's like.

The world is an unforgiving black 

With tendrils that stick like oil 

And drowns and stains like ink 

To others it's a pale blue or a 

Vibrant green 

They don't understand what it feels 

To be alone 

I'm crawling through tar 

I'm wallowing in cement 

People walk past on the grass and ask 

"Why don't you just walk over here?" 

Even if I could, I don't think I would want to

This is my punishment for all 

The bad things I've done or 

Thought and so I deserve to feel 

Alone 

Some days my bed is a trap 

It is not a comfort unlike others 

It is a thick net that won't let me leave 

When my brain is its own trapper 

There are some days where I am fine 

I am okay 

I can do what I want 

But these are few and far between 

There are some days where all I can 

Think of is the pain and how much I 

Deserve it because I am too 

Weak 

I am too 

Useless 

I am not the only one to feel like this but 

They have different problems 

I can never truly be accepted 

I am the only one feeling this way 

Selfish 

Weak

Useless

Selfish

Weak

Useless 

I deserve it

This is what it feels to be alone 

Author's Note

Bit dark. I was diagnosed about 2 and a half months ago for the condition I have suffered with for a year, perhaps more. If I spilled every thought that helped me explain how it feels, this would be a very long poem. As it stands, I have work today so I can't go into too much detail. I'll be honest, this is a big step for me, considering I have friends and now family on here who will probably read this. Reviews are welcome. Anything that is offensive will immediately be flagged and removed. Constructive criticism is also welcome!

Reviews

[Georgina Cross]

Hey Rhia,
This is such a beautiful poem, your use of colour to describe emotion is a true skill. The difference between being happy and feeling empty, especially the cement and the grass gives true expression to your writing.
Also the layout and style of the poem only adds to emotion you've filled this poem with, the enjambment and one word lines puts emphasis on the feeling of being lost.
It is truly beautiful and hits the spot.
Amazing write :D

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much :D

[L.Z]

Loved the way you described the feeling that you're the only one who feels like that. That touched the point of how loneliness can make you feel like a degenrate not because of social norms.

I think that if the subject the poem is about is "what it feels like to be alone", It may've been more likeable if you added more expressions of the *reasons* why it feels that way, I didn't see any explanations about the "useless" feeling.

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for the review! I'm glad that you liked the loneliness feeling :) As for the reasons, depression is a very odd illness in which you don't really know the reasons sometimes. For me, even the smallest of things will make me think 'useless'. I could lose some change or miss my bus or open up the wrong program and I'll think that. There's no real reason for feeling like this, it just happens; this is why it's so hard to fight it. But thank you very much for the review and I may edit this later to try and explain it more :)

[Inject Positivity]

I may not understand what pain you went through but I know how it feels to be alone... This is truly a courageous write, it's not easy to put these type of feelings in paper and show them to others and for that my hat goes off to you... I have dealt with depression for almost 2years so I know the experiences you have shared and I can really relate to them...

Regards
Dhiman

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for your thoughtful words. I'm glad I've managed to capture what it is to have the illness.

[Inject Positivity]

You definitely did a brilliant and courageous hob... You are welcome...

[Country boy183798]

Powerful and truly mesmerizing. This poem captures the emotions so well that it literally feels like you have picked up a brush and painted them in colours. Fantastic. I really liked it, thank you for sharing it, and keep on writing.

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for your kind words!

[Chris]

Poetry tends to be "personal" - and depression tends to be as personal as it gets. We each "face" our own mirrors - but always remember "mirrors lie" - they tell us only what WE think NOT the reality of what we see.

I'm not "kind" - I speak my mind and hence show what I understood from listening to your words. I don't look for poetic greatness - I look for the "person"... we've each of us tasted aloneness and can recognize it in others. I tasted yours.

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for the review! I appreciate it :) If your review is this well-written I can't wait to read your works!

[Ember Smyth]

This is amazing. I feel exactly the same way. Selfish, weak, and useless. Afraid to get help, afraid that no one will care. Afraid that people will treat me differently, like I'm "special". You captured the feelings of depression perfectly within this poem.

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for the review and I'm glad that I do the feeling justice. Hang in there, okay?

[Ember Smyth]

I'm trying :)

[TL Boehm]

So today you'll get more reaction than review from me. Life is hard and we don't get to play the fair card. But I wonder so often if writers and artists are simply constructed with a darker palette than the world at large? The ability to recreate comes with teeth and claws. I've seen it in my own family. Brilliant musicians, artists, writers - all going to the "dark side" because monsters are real and they live in our heads and hearts. My encouragement is always: keep creating. Keep writing until the words run clear - until the poetry is filled with light and life. Art can be cathartic and encouraging, even when it is written in blood and black ink. Peace. Well penned.

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for the kind words :)

[Jeff]

Depression is very hard to deal with. It takes a lot of strength and courage. You did a great job here in expressing yourself.

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much for the kind words :)

[Patricia Stephmore]

Hello Rhia,
I myself suffer from depression and this poem expresses every aspect of emptiness you feel.....it's exhausting for me....I hope you recover..a very dark and deep poem

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much :) I hope things get better for you as well :/

[Patricia Stephmore]

Welcome Rhia :-)

[Urja Gokani]

true words great poetry work amazingly written keep it up
:)

[Rhia Barton]

Thank you very much :)

[Urja Gokani]

welcome :)

[Davidgeo]

"drowns like ink" ---- What? Even in the context of the stanza that makes no sense. That's not good writing. It's poetry sure, but, you have to make sense on some level. Drowning like ink? That is meaningless.

The rest is great. Written well, not too stuffy or rigid. Captures the attention, I was not bored.

You describe the self reinforcing trap that dealing with depression alone really is.

On an unrelated note:
"Anything that is offensive will immediately be flagged and removed".

-You disgust me for including that.... you're not a creative writer if this is the atmosphere you actively engender around your work. Depressed or not, you should not threaten the world to be nice to you. Don't drowned in the light, you will never really know it until it's too late.... when your nothing but a permanent smile and a bullshit compliment - not a human, a character from some stupid morality play you never wrote. Be offended, figure out why and disarm it, it's a tremendous way to grow. If you're strong enough.

[Rhia Barton]

Hi there, thanks for the constructive criticism. For the first part, I realise that it doesn't make sense when I read it back. It's supposed to read like black ink drowning out other colours when you pour it over other colours, or the thickness of ink from an octopus or a squid drowning your vision. I may revise that though.
Thanks for the praise as well!
As for the final part, saying that I disgust you is a tad over the top there. When I mean that I will flag offensive comments is I will remove comments that speak of depression being a 'false illness'. Not silly comments saying that my poem is bad. I mean things that will actually hurt someone with this disease's feelings. This is not just for my safety but for the safety of other readers and writers with this illness. Depression is not a joke and I will not tolerate anyone saying that it's not real and that I should get over myself. That is what I meant by offensive. What you've offered is sound advice but it is unnecessary here. I shall edit my description to ensure this doesn't happen again. Thanks again for the review and I appreciate you pointing out my mistakes.

[Davidgeo]

Safety? Ha. I know your issues, I have known them for a very very long time. Safety is self confidence, you don't get real self confidence from shielding yourself from things. Depression is an illness and it doesn't go away, there are legit brain chemistry issues at play most of the time. But you can control it, rationalize it and overcome it... but not by being afraid to hear things. No, that's for the weak. You cannot pick and choose when you will be weak or strong in the face of clinical depression within the world you live in.... you must always be strong or you will never be strong.

[Rhia Barton]

There's a difference between taking things to heart and completely disregarding people's feelings and their illnesses. It's like me making a poem about breaking my arm and someone coming and saying that I'm being silly, it doesn't hurt that much, I should just deal with it? I'm not saying that I can't overcome it, but currently I am in a very bad state of depression and it will take me a long time to overcome it. You know what won't help it? People telling me that I'm disgusting for simply ensuring my own safety and the safety of others. I understand that you're trying to help me, and I truly want to thank you for it, but right now, these are not the words that I need.

[Davidgeo]

Of course I shouldn't expect others to hold my point of view, I know that. But I'm kind of an a*****e so I usually forget or just choose to be judgmental for fun. In reality, you're more correct. We do whatever it takes for our individual situation, failure can be untenable - just get by somehow. How I get by may in fact be poison to you, and vice versa.

[Rhia Barton]

That's all fine, we're all different after all. Thanks again for the review, I really do appreciate it even if my past comments don't show that.

[Davidgeo]

It's all good. I have more respect for you from your past comments. You are articulated yourself well and with reason. You're light years ahead of 95% of the folks on this site.