The Shooting Star

(In a room, a teenage girl and boy is looking outside the window)
Rose: It's a shooting star!
Joseph: Idiot! a jet plane would never be a shooting star! (faces her) You're 16 for goodness' sake and you still believe that wishing on a star can make your dreams come true, get a life...
Rose: But I really want this wish to come true! (she looks outside, trying not to cry)
Joseph: How immature...
Rose: You don't have to care about it, geez!
Joseph: (sighs) Then, let's hear it...
Rose: (raises an eyebrow) Hear what?
Joseph: Your wish, I might be able to do something about it...
Rose: (faces him, blushing) I want you to be mine....

Author's Note

awwww..... (;

Reviews

[Writer #00]

Yep, he can do something about that all right. This was such a cute little dialogue. :3

[Rhianne Ney]

Thanks for the review (:

[Writer #00]

You're welcome.

[Rhianne Ney]

thanks

[Writer #00]

for...what?

[Rhianne Ney]

For reading and reviewing?

[Writer #00]

Oh, um...you're welcome...again. : )

[Rhianne Ney]

Yeah (:

[Crimson_Catastrophe]

Do you want blunt reviews and critiques or general opinions?

[Rhianne Ney]

something honest but carefully said.. I'm still in the trauma because I got the same question yesterday.. *controlled breathing*

[Crimson_Catastrophe]

Haha don't be scared. I'm quite unintimidating, I swear.
But I've encountered some people (not on this site) that don't want critiques. only reason I asked.
But, honestly, it could use a little work.
First off, it is very short, but I love the concept.
The problem I had with it is your dialogue. It seems.....forced? fake?
Something along those lines.
With a little editing, it could be great.
Maybe try speaking the words aloud to see if they sound natural.
It is a good concept, and it's downright adorable, but it needs some tweaking.
Jmo.

[Rhianne Ney]

okay.. sorry it's just a fantasy that's why it's fake.. It's just in my head... I can't stop the feeling of having a boyfriend... but it's too early.. so I'm just imagining

[Crimson_Catastrophe]

I wish I had your fantasies, haha.
They'd make great books, you know.
There's something symbolic about wishing on stars.
I'd say expand on it.
If you dont mind, I'd say to maybe consider writing it as a short story or a chapter. Maybe use first person and portray how rose is feeling inside as she's sitting with Joseph, wishing on stars, and wondering if he could ever return her feelings.
It has amazing potential.

[Rhianne Ney]

I'll try after finishing my first two books... (:

[Undone]

It's cute. i thought it was funny how one minute he's calling her an idiot, the next he's being all sweet. XD

[Rhianne Ney]

just my teenage imaginative romance...

[Undone]

lol I have many of those. If you were to count how many romances I've written for myself, I'd be considered a player.

[Rhianne Ney]

me too (:

[Katherine Enma Pineappl..]

Lengthen it dear, add more dialogue it needs more :) It should progress in a slower pace

[Rhianne Ney]

It's a short skit actually

[Katherine Enma Pineapple]

Then lengthen the short skit it would still be a short one but pacing dear is important, a comment :)

[Pax]

I agree.... :)
too short, bitin...
keep writing my friends....
:)~ well the story is indeed quite cute... and i like it...the way it is....
great job!