Awakening

A Story by Risen

The struggle with bipolar disorder.

Even a dog acts primarily on the instinct of self preservation, the traits we respect them for so immensely , like loyalty are only there in that they serve that primary instinct.

My cause is neither just or noble, what i seek is inside myself and ultimately for myself. We would all be better off to admit this than hold ourselves in high regard for secondary traits that exist in the service of a primary trait.

You see, you must forgive me. Sometimes i forget my place in this world.That this is my one shot, my single reality. I forget my unrelenting belief in my own strength, my discipline ,my ability to adapt when i fail. This world is mine. I am everything, and you should believe that you are too.

You dance around in the rule's and moral standards society has told you to uphold in order make the cut, and should you walk away and choose your own path, they will shout "your are selfish an outcast you dont belong here". They do this out of fear and perhaps even envy for that dance is the only one they will ever know.

I cannot understand how they cannot see beyond this tiny space, they free themselves with ignorance.

Stay with them if you seek their approval but know this, like the rest of them you will go to your grave ,unhappy never ever having known yourself or lived a life.

But i , i will never be content.

The earth travels halfway around it the sun.

I stare into a mirror failing to recognise this look of hope in my eyes,
When your anger leaves ,and the hatred subsides,
as perfection finds me and tames me ,
when everything i've been trying to prove to myself for the last decade is no longer there ,and a sense of calm peace is brought to me.
I don't care about being hurt or whether this feeling will last,
just that i have it for this moment.
I clench my fists in a desperate effort to prove i am still a fighter,
and i am scared because this is new to me.
I am scared because you don't know what to do,
and as tears start to roll down my face,
because for the first time i have stopped punching,
i look at down at my hands and realise for the,
this could be it ,
this could be the end.
I wipe the dried blood from them hardened by lack of concern,
but i don't even know how to hang up my gloves
I don't know the first thing about living in peace,
I walk over to the basin and fill it with hot water,
and wonder what a warrior is without a fight ,
and as the warm water soothes and the blood thins into the water losing its intensity,
I feel you will gladly accept it.
My fight is done ,i am the victor.

I, I am content.

I stare around eyes still blurry and see figures they all seem to be dancing , some of the voices sound familiar.

Suddenly i realise that walking blindly always leads you to a circle , i am back where i started.

If you think that i would be dissapointed and angry at myself after having set out so strong you are right.But I also know that this feeling quickly subsides and soon the melodies will lure me into the crowd.

What you do not know is that i have walked that path many a time before always forgetting always returning, just a little older ,a little slower ,a little weaker.

Perhaps i will rest here for a bit , pray they do not recognise me.