What makes me go in the right direction

What makes me go in the right direction

A Poem by Rochelle Delaine
"

5/30/17

"
If I could get the opportunity to go some place
I would go with trust.
I would go with my honesty.
I would hide from my fear and go with the flow of what's near.
I would compete so I could make myself feel like I have a place, so then I can tend to what they call ...a 'race'.
It's a race to make my character stronger, so I can endure the pressure even longer.
Some place to go so I could be free
Freely to love so I can love me

© 2017 Rochelle Delaine


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You make me want to find out what this race is your speaking of . Nice

Posted 2 Years Ago


Hello Rochelle : )
This reads as an honest, heartfelt assessment of oneself. The message is both meaningful and relatable. I like that you used an analogy of "going some place" to illustrate the speaker's uncertainty of his or her travels. Overall, your message bleeds through clearly. Though I did find the rhyme a bit impeding at times (I'll elaborate more on that if you'd like), this piece stands strong for its brevity. Well done!

- William Liston

Posted 2 Years Ago


Rochelle Hi. You were kind enough to comment on one of my poems so I'm returning the call!

The sustaining message in here is one I'd like to think everyone could endorse. However, as a Brit, I reflect on our colonial history which would suggest otherwise, as would 'Lord of the flies' and goodness knows how many other books describing human nature. But we have to hope and, as you set out here, to role-model (though that sounds a bit arrogant). The saying 'do unto others as you would have them do to you' comes to mind. That way, for kind and self-evaluating people, lies some sense of reward or comfort, though these are not the aim.

From a writing perspective I think you strike a good balance here between being obvious (i.e. risk of being boring and dull to read) and opacity (i.e. so subtle people glaze over or misunderstand). Your words take some thinking about.

One aspect that I wondered about was place/race. I love it that you rhyme within a line but race as a collective for a local group of people (in that place) felt a bit wrong to me. I appreciate that race works well in other respects, but to me it strayed slightly towards being selected more for its rhyme than its suitability. But it's subjective - just my view.

Nice work. Let's keep doing what we can to promote kindness and understanding!

Regards
Nigel



Posted 2 Years Ago



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Added on July 7, 2017
Last Updated on August 26, 2017