Shadow in the Shipyard

The text on the page is inking-

blinking- he doesn't know,

that I hear the way he writes.

What lowly, crawling thing waits in the storm?

The words are slowly fading-

sinking- he doesn't know,

that I am still dreaming.

What beastly, howling one waits in the rain?

The skin of my lips is pallid-

ghostly- he doesn't know,

that the sea is crying.

What hurting, woeful soul waits in the shipyard?

The tale I wove is thinking-

wondering- he doesn't know,

that doubt is left to its breathing.

What spinning, maddening shadow waits in the fog?

How has it come to be?

The driftwood heart beating-

leaking- overflowing with rage,

bubbling up with reverie.

Reviews

[emipoemi]

The text on the page is haunting-
flaunting- the writer knows
the readers are enthralled!!

This is a wonder to behold - a gem of poetic prowess!! The only critique I have is that the "hear the way he writes" line is not repeated in essence in subsequent stanzas. Not that its counterparts were bad in any way, but that structure has a lot of power (and furthermore amps up the musicality of the piece as a whole). For instance, it would sound so good and be complementary too were "that I'm still dreaming" to read "that I dream the way he breathes" (or something of the like, as "doubt is left to its breathing" already uses "breathe" and is a fantastic line, which shouldn't be tampered with - as being the last of those lines, it would be ok to make a break from the consistency of the structure I'm suggesting). But the flow/structure of that line in Stanza 1 is powerful enough that it bears repeating in subsequent stanzas at least once. So it maintains the message that it's a poem interwoven into a poem that seemingly interweaves to souls in an enigmatic bond.

But everything else is stupendous. Absolutely marvellous!! Well done!

[light and ashes]

I'm still pretty confused on this writing....but I liked it quite a lot. It is enigmatic and haunting.