-1- The Wanderer

-1- The Wanderer

A Chapter by RyanXIII
"

This is the first chapter of my novel Fortisia, it introduces our hero and sees him start his journey.

"

- 1 -

The Wanderer

 

All the motivation and sense of purpose Aiden was feeling when he left Knoas a month earlier was rapidly depleting, he started to truly believe he was going to die out here in the forest. The rain was bitter-cold and relentless, it wasn’t the height of winter, in fact it was nearing the end. Regardless this was one of the coldest days he had ever experienced, mainly due to the addition of the rain which had seldom occurred that winter and of course his ruined clothes. In his depression Aiden started thinking about his father safe and warm back in Knoas.

Aiden was raised in what was once a faction outpost during the Great Ord War, because of this the town was well built as it needed to withstand heavy attacks. It was home to many common man and warrior, "the lower ranks" they would describe themselves as. The war raged on through generations of men, Aiden’s father and grandfather had both fought in it. It was a war for borders between the Rupids in the north and the Vengers of the south, the nation of Fortisia had essentially split in two. The bulk of the fighting took place in the centre of Fortisia in a vast forest known as the Ord. It seemed neither faction was strong enough to drive the other back, but eventually after many lives were lost the Vengers prevailed. The Rupids had undoubtedly superior might and magic, but in the end it was the Vengers greater numbers that took the war. It was argued by many that the war was senseless due to the insignificant amount of land the south ended up taking, some say it was worth the bloodshed, more disagree.

As a boy Aiden was trained in several forms of combat and took part in rigorous physical drills, Aiden’s dream was to be in the faction like his father when he grew older; he wanted to fight and to lead. He trained hard and learned well, he would have been a brave warrior and an apt leader if only he had the chance. Sadly for Aiden (favourably for the rest of the nation) the war came to an end only six months before he was old enough to recruit. This destroyed him; the only thing he ever wanted was to fight alongside his father, to feel the rush of combat, the thrill of bringing an ogre to its knees with ones bare hands or impaling a Rupid mage on his own staff. His father would leave for eight or ten days at a time but every time he came home he would have fresh blood soaked tales to tell Aiden, and Aiden would sit there in complete silence and absorb every word.

“Then the rotten Rupey sod, jumped out from behind a tree and tried to choke me with his own cloak, guess what I did then”

“Did you flip him?” Aiden knew his father would have flipped him it was a textbook combat situation he had learned from his training.

“Too right I flipped him son, he went right over my left shoulder and landed over a fallen tree, must of broke his back, he was howling in agony… so I put him out of his misery” Aiden’s father grinned, not an evil grin, but a satisfied one.

All the stories and late night sparring between Aiden and his father only added fuel to his fire. After the war ended Aiden would still listen to his father’s tales but they began to repeat themselves. It got to the point where Aiden was reminding his father of the details of his stories when he forgot, it was by this time that Aiden’s father decided enough was enough, no more stories, Aiden would have to accept that the war was over and that the nation of Fortisia was finally at peace.

For a while Aiden tried to accept the fact that all his training was in vain and he would now have to find a new path to follow, perhaps a blacksmith or an alchemist. He did attempt to change, he even made his own dagger with Brog the blacksmith, Brog also taught Aiden to waterproof his hides using animal fat and wax. But no, it wasn’t good enough, night after night he would argue with his father about leaving the town and finding a fight, surely there was some battle going on somewhere that he could join, he cared not for which side he was fighting he only wanted to fight. This went on for almost two years; Aiden had matured in that time, his thirst for blood had subsided somewhat but his need for adventure had not. He argued less and less with his father, mainly because his father was beginning to empathise. One evening at the start of winter Aiden sat with his father as they celebrated Aiden’s twentieth birthday over tankards of ale, his father believed at this age he was finally a man. Aiden will never forget what his father said to him that night.

“Son I know it’s been hard for you, but you’ve done me proud, I know you would have been the best soldier in that war and I would have been honoured to have fought by your side” He paused to take a mouthful of ale. Aiden could feel a lump forming in his throat.

“That means a lot to me father”

“I know son, I know… I also know I want you to leave this town, as much as I feel comfort knowing you are safe with me, I can tell being here is eating away at you”

“Father…”

“No son, its fine, I understand, I want you to go and find your adventure, find your calling, find your… well you know what I’m saying” Aiden’s father slurred this sentence to an end with a hiccup as a close.

“Ok father I will, I’ll go and I’ll have my adventure, fight my battles and when I come home I will be the tale teller.

“Indeed my boy, sounds wonderful, make sure to pack well before you leave and don’t come back until you have some grim tales to tell” A low rasping laugh drew this sentence to its close.

“Believe me father I will”

The next day Aiden packed some things in to the satchel his father gave him the day the war ended. His father had used it to carry tonics and brews made by the town’s alchemist meant to heal wounds. He didn’t have a lot to take; some hide he used as bedding while camping, some food (enough for a week), a jacket and the crude dagger he made himself whilst he tried his hand at blacksmithing. It wasn’t much but Aiden figured he would meet many people and visit many cities on his travels so he could gather what he needed along the way.

Aiden spent one last night at the dining table with his father drinking ale and telling tales told many times before. The next morning Aiden left Knoas and never looked back.

Two months passed and Aiden was struggling to carry on, he had travelled through three towns and picked up supplies in each, it had been five days since he left the last town Dalgen and his clothes were ruined. He was attacked the day after he departed Dalgen. It had been a Warhound one of the hybrid beasts created by farmers during the Ord war. They were built to kill. Gene altering tonics concocted by the herbalists and alchemists were added to the savage combination of fighting dogs and forest wolves. The end result was deadly. The hounds were strong, ferocious beasts with razor sharp teeth and claws to match. They were used in the skirmishes that took place in the Ord forest, but of course once they had been set free to attack no one ever had the nerve to try and recapture them and so they eventually dispersed and took home in the forests of Fortisia.

 Aiden was unfortunate enough to cross paths with a hound as he was travelling through a forest heading for the next town. The beast leapt at him from behind and landed with its front paws digging into his back. Not only did this wound him it also forced him to the floor, knocking the air from his lungs. As he connected with the ground the hound used the momentum to leap over his head and turn in one liquid movement. He lifted his head from the dirt and came eye to eye with the beast. Without thinking Aiden rolled, narrowly avoiding the snapping jaws. Aiden didn’t even have time to get to his feet before the hound pounced once more, now onto his chest. Again they both flew to the floor only this time Aiden was prepared. He pulled the dagger from his waist belt and drove it up into the hybrid’s jaw piercing straight through its snout embedding the tip in its brain. As they hit the floor Aiden came face to face with the thing for a second time, only this time it was dripping blood from its eyes and mouth. The beast was motionless. Aiden’s head was pounding and his heart was beating so fast he was sure it would blow out of his chest. He had to half roll and half push to get the beast off his chest. He stood up wearily trying to gather himself, his hands shaking as he dislodged his dagger from the Warhound’s skull and wiped the bloody blade on what remained of his shirt. I’m alive he thought, still in shock from the surprise attack. This had been Aiden’s first real battle where the outcome was his life or death, not who had to clean the barn him or his father, he had survived the fight but his shirt and coat were in tatters.

We now return to where we began. Following the days after the hound attack the weather had been mild; still a chill to the air but Aiden could bare it, until now. Now the rain had come and it was as close to ice as could be, every drop felt like a needle penetrating his skin. The trees overhead gave him little cover; even though they were tall and thick branched it was only a matter of time before the water trickled down and inevitably reached him. His coat was a waterproofed hide but the damage it had sustained made it next to useless. His boots weren’t much better, he had made them himself (another of his efforts to change his career path in Knoas), they were a strong and waterproof material but it appeared his cobbling skills left much to be desired as the seams started to separate only a week into his journey. He was drenched in the bitter rain, and his wounds were too wet to heal.

Aiden knew if he didn’t find shelter and some dry clothes soon he wouldn’t last much longer. He forced himself to keep walking, if he stopped to rest wouldn’t get up again, of that he was sure. He must have covered another three miles down the now sludge ridden path before something caught his attention. He looked to his right and saw a shape kneeling next to a great oak; at first he mistook it for a bush as his vision was hazy and his head sore. Then he made out it was a person wearing a waterproof dark green cloak, this was what made him blend in to his surroundings. The stranger had a look of shock plastered on his face, how could he have seen me?

Aiden not knowing the strangers intentions tried to take a defensive stance, this resulted in him collapsing in a shivering heap in the mud, he steadied himself with one hand and held out his dagger with the other, he almost dropped the dagger his hand was shaking so fiercely.

“Please traveller, sheath your blade, I wish not to fight” the stranger called, his voice was high pitched like that of a recently pubescent boy. Aiden did as he said, not that he had much choice, he would have rather stood his ground until he had a better idea of the stranger, but he had no strength to do so, he felt his best way of defence was not to appear offensive. “I mean you no harm traveller” he said this as he approached, showing his palms to Aiden.

“I am Olgen a hunter from the capital, please let me help you up” Aiden was in no state to refuse the young hunters help. Olgen took Aiden’s arm, wrapped it over his shoulder and with some effort pulled him up to his feet. It was only at this point did Aiden clearly see the hunters face, he was no more than a boy perhaps fifteen or sixteen years of age.

“My thanks hunter, how far to Tantum?” Aiden tried to sound grateful and mannerly but it was difficult with the amount of pain he was in.

“We could make it by morning at strong pace, perhaps noon with your hindrance” It seemed the hunter would stay with Aiden until they reached Tantum the capital city of Fortisia.

“I will not hinder you… what was your name?” In the cold Aiden’s mind slurred.

“Olgen, here take this, I will be fine whilst we reach Tantum” Olgen pulled off his cloak and wrapped it around Aiden’s shoulders and hooded his head. Aiden was beginning to trust the hunter, not because of the kindness but because it seemed hard to believe such a young man could have a darker motive. Olgen then pulled a length of material from his satchel and using the cloak as cover from the rain, wrapped it around Aiden covering both the wounds on his chest and back, he tied it in a knot at the front and closed over the cloak.

“Thank you again Olgen, please lead the way don’t slow your pace for me” Not having the rain penetrating Aiden’s skin felt as if he was wearing the pelt of a great bear, he quickly regained most of his pace and all of his morale.

They walked at a good pace through the night, at first they walked in silence, this was mainly due to Aiden still trying to warm himself. After a while though and when Aiden had gotten some colour back in his face they conversation began to flow.

“So what do you go by, traveller?” Olgen was first to break the silence, Aiden didn’t mind.

“Aiden, I come from Knoas, do you know of Knoas?”

“I do so Aiden, the outpost town, I can see the wooden battlements from the top of the lords castle in Tantum”

 Aiden was surprised at this response. “You often wonder freely around the lord ruler’s castle?”

“Of course, he is my uncle you see” Olgen replied with a grin.

To Aiden it seemed strange that a boy of such blood would be doing something as lowly as hunting. Relations of the lord ruler would more often work in the treasury or courts of law, not in the dirt hunting foxes and deer. Aiden assumed the boy was lame or was banished from these jobs for some crime or another.

“I know what thoughts cross your mind Aiden, relations of the throne hunting, how obscene, but that life wasn’t for me you must understand. I couldn’t bare standing around in court halls or counting gold till the sun fell, it drove me to madness, my sister feels the same way”

Aiden was now beginning to understand. “You say you chose this path of your own accord?”

“Speak true my friend, I wanted to be doing something with my days, something manly and fulfilling, hunting deer may not make me a knight of the south but it is a far sight more exciting than filling in the lords property ledgers”

Aiden laughed not just at the boys words but at how he was so wrong about Olgen, it turned out they were far more alike than he had imagined.

“I understand Olgen, truly I do”

“So what draws your path to Tantum?” Olgen asked as his voice broke a little mid-sentence.

“My destination was not Tantum, in fair I had no destination. I left Knoas to travel and to fight if need be, truth be I left looking for purpose. Like you my friend the safe and quiet life was not fitting to my nature” Olgen’s face lit up with a smile, Aiden felt himself beginning to very much like the boy.

“You’re a hero?” Olgen questioned.

“No, no far from it my friend. I am simply a man in need of adventure, if I save some damsels along the way then so be it” Aiden then drifted off into though with an amours grin smeared across his face. “Do you know of any distressed damsels?”

“No?”

“Oh, never worry plenty of tomorrows for that my friend”

“For what?” Olgen puzzled.

“Never mind friend, tell me what is the capital like, I have heard much but not yet seen any?”

As they walked now back at full pace Olgen told Aiden about Tantum. He told him of the many shops, markets, and taverns sprawled throughout the city. Few cities throughout Fortisia would be lucky enough to have a doctor or an alchemist and very few would be lucky enough to have a psychic, Tantum however had all three. The city also had its own blacksmith, tailor, a library and a military barrack although the barrack was inactive, partially due to the lack of threat to Tantum but mainly due to the fact nobody there wanted to fight.

“Our cities psychic is named Korick, he is a crazy old fool in my eyes but the city take comfort knowing he is there to warn of any attacks, you might think of him as Tanum’s first line of defense, if any person with an ill motive travels nearby he can pick up on it.”

Aiden was impressed, his city being one of the many without a psychic he had never heard of such telepathy. “Might I meet this Korick?”

“I don’t see why not friend, he loves to spin his yarns about the end of Fortisia to anyone who will take an ear, like I say he is a crazy old fool”

After finishing his flippant insult towards the psychic, Olgen caught his foot in a protruding branch and fell face first into the dirt with a wet thud. Aiden had to stifle his laughter as not to upset his new companion.

“I wonder if Korick saw that coming!” Aiden remarked and burst out with the laughter he could hold no more.

Olgen peeled his face from the sludge, “takes a brave man to laugh at someone on the ground”

“My apologies friend, it was too prime a moment not to enjoy, here give me your hand” Aiden helped Olgen from the ground and after sharing a laugh they carried on walking. As they neared the peak of the hill they were ascending, Aiden could make out the top of a castle, it must be the lord’s castle, Aiden thought.

“I must ask Aiden, how did you notice me in the forest earlier, I could have sworn I was well concealed”

“O but you were, it was the sound that caught my attention, I could hear the rain clashing with something other than the soil it was the patter from your cloak, even when I heard the foreign sound I still had quite the job picking you out from the treeline” Aiden wanted to encourage the young hunter, although in all fairness Olgen was very well hidden.

“Ah I see, this darn cloak, I wonder how I can stop such a thing happening in the future?” Olgen was just thinking out loud, but was also hoping Aiden might have the answer to this, which of course he did.

“Moss” it was another trick that Brog the blacksmith had taught him

“Cry your pardon” Olgen didn’t see the connection.

“Moss, next time you take to your hiding, simply cover your cloak with moss, it will absorb the impact of the rain with no sound at all, it takes some time to cover yourself but if your plan is to remain unseen or heard for a stretch of time then the effort speaks for itself” Aiden began to imagine trying to cover himself in moss and how pain staking it would be to do on your own, he was thankful that hiding was not something he often needed to do.

“Are you some manner of genius Aiden”

Aiden once more couldn’t contain his laughter, “Olgen you are going to get nowhere with all this flattery, one might mistake you a charmer”

Olgen went a deep red, “No please my intentions are not of that nature…”

Aiden interrupted “Olgen my friend I speak in jest, I apologise I should not turn such phrases with such a young boy, forgive me won’t you I meant no offense” Aiden impressed himself with how quickly he was acquainting himself with such majestic tongue. he feared he would not be taken seriously if he talked like the commoners of Knoas.

Olgen colour faded “Of course, I take things a little too bluntly, it’s a trait of my father he was ever the serious man”

Aiden smiled and grabbed Olgen’s shoulder in a friendly ‘don’t worry about it’ gesture. “On a serious note Olgen I must enquire, how did you know to find me, these forests are far too vast to warrant a chance meeting?”

“Ah but that was Korick of course” Now it was Olgen’s turn to enlighten, “He picked up on your energy, or lack of I should say. He summoned me and told me someone needed help in the southern forest and that I should go to find you”

“So it is Korick I owe my rescue to, as well as yourself” Aiden was finding it hard to believe that the man who saved his like was a ‘crazy old fool’.

“Indeed, he told me to be vigilant lest your motives were sour, which is why I waited in hiding for you”

“He sounds more a genius than a fool to me” Aiden stated.

“Wait then till you hear him speak of the end of Fortisia, you will understand”

“And you’re so sure that what he speaks of is false?”

“Of course, we defeated the north with their stronger warriors and more deft mages, who could possibly bring us to our end?”

“I see your reasoning Olgen, but I would still like to meet this Korick for myself, to thank him if nothing else”

They had reached the peak of the hill and most of Tantum was now in view, Aiden was astounded. Such grand buildings and architecture there was nothing of the sort in Knoas. The city was fortified by a thirty foot tall six foot thick wall, with towers housing cannons on each of the six crooks. A moat surrounded the city walls, a draw bridge granted access, the bridge was always down in peacetime, there was no fear of sudden surprise attacks on the city (because of Korick) and they wanted to welcome and visitors and traders with open arms. The centre of the city was a hive of activity mainly due to the food and goods market that took place every three days. Rows upon rows of stalls and bazars selling all manner of wares from materials, hides and clothing to blades bows and arrows, stalls were selling stones and powders of various different enchantments and qualities, others were selling ingredients not just for preparing meals but concocting potions and elixirs.

“Let us quicken our pace?” Aiden almost pleaded “I have longed to visit the capital for many a year.”

“Try to keep up” Olgen snapped then giddily sprinted ahead whilst Aiden took chase.

A few minutes later Aiden finally reached the draw bridge to the city, Olgen was already there waiting for him with a victorious half smirk. Aiden stopped next to him, and tried not to show how out of breath he was, he stood up straight and tried to take in the magnitude of the walls towering above him.

“Welcome to Tantum”



© 2013 RyanXIII


Author's Note

RyanXIII
This is the first draft of the first chapter it only holds the main events and story i havent padded it out yet but let me know if you think i should and with what... please let me know what you think and any comments you may have about my writing the story... anything. Thanks.

My Review

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First off, I love Olgen. It's only the first chapter and already I can see that he is the perfect match for Aiden. Fun-loving, sword-wielding nobles are a favorite of mine! I also love Aiden's generally purpose in life, the simple, yet compelling drive to be what he envisions as a man's man. I think most men have that primal need, though it certainly manifests itself in a most awesome way in Aiden's case.

I also like a lot of your names. Tantum is AWESOME, as are Aiden and Olgen. Fortisia, I'm not as fond of. I think it works alright, but having seen some of the other names you've invented here, I have a feeling that you could come up with something even better.

I would also suggest telling Aiden's back story within the lines of the plot. In other words, start the story with Aiden longing for adventure; let his conversations with his father, his thoughts, his memories, and his actions actually spin the tale of the Great Ord War. It is always great to multitask the history of the world and the spinning of the yarn that is the plot within the mind of the main character, instead of just coming out and telling the reader what happened.

I also have to applaud you on that great fight scene between Aiden and the hound. The action sequence was beautifully handled, one of your strong suits without a doubt.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Thank you for taking the time to review. I am so pleased that you have enjoyed it, yea i understand .. read more



Reviews

oh i cant wait to read more about tantum, it sounds interesting. And i really like the characters too! I like Olgen! I think he is gonna bring in a big part to this book and i cant wait to find out more about his background!

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

First off, I love Olgen. It's only the first chapter and already I can see that he is the perfect match for Aiden. Fun-loving, sword-wielding nobles are a favorite of mine! I also love Aiden's generally purpose in life, the simple, yet compelling drive to be what he envisions as a man's man. I think most men have that primal need, though it certainly manifests itself in a most awesome way in Aiden's case.

I also like a lot of your names. Tantum is AWESOME, as are Aiden and Olgen. Fortisia, I'm not as fond of. I think it works alright, but having seen some of the other names you've invented here, I have a feeling that you could come up with something even better.

I would also suggest telling Aiden's back story within the lines of the plot. In other words, start the story with Aiden longing for adventure; let his conversations with his father, his thoughts, his memories, and his actions actually spin the tale of the Great Ord War. It is always great to multitask the history of the world and the spinning of the yarn that is the plot within the mind of the main character, instead of just coming out and telling the reader what happened.

I also have to applaud you on that great fight scene between Aiden and the hound. The action sequence was beautifully handled, one of your strong suits without a doubt.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Thank you for taking the time to review. I am so pleased that you have enjoyed it, yea i understand .. read more
This was great! So much detail painted the scenes perfectly in my mind. I love how much you had thought this chapter through. You seem to have a very good grasp of the world this book takes place in. That's a lot more than I can say for my book. XD And I love how you went back to describe the memories of Aiden's father as well. The only things wrong I could find is that you are missing a lot of punctuations within the quotation marks whenever they are speaking. Other than that, this was just amazing! I can't wait to read more. :)

Posted 11 Years Ago


Dark Rider

11 Years Ago

I understand. It's hard for me to remember it sometimes as well. XD And it'll probably be next week .. read more
RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

no problem dark, thanks again
Dark Rider

11 Years Ago

You're welcome. :)
reading strictly for content/entertainment and not for edit (although editing is crucial) my approach to novel writing is - get it all out of your head and on to the pc or paper as fast as you can. Then go back through ad nauseum until you think you may be ready to publish - and edit it a few more times. Since you said this is a first run - so far so good. Its entertaining - I like inclusion of dialogue. There is always that balance of narrative and dialogue to consider. Today's readers are prone to A.D.D so the more action the better - and if you come out strong with characters telling their story through dialogue and action - its potentially easier to get an audience than if you have rambling blocks of narrative (although I like narrative too) Nice ending line - a bit of a cliff hanger to get the reader to go to the next paragraph. You're on to something. I would say keep going. My only caveat would be - if you aren't satisfied with the amount of reviews you get - you may want to consider breaking the chapter into parts - simply due to that ADD issue here at the cafe. Highly interesting story!

Posted 11 Years Ago


RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated.
This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Arutha

11 Years Ago

I will say, ink-bleeding is a great tool for certain genres; however, as someone with a bit of exper.. read more
A very good opening chapter. I like the description of the character, his family, location and his goals. I like the struggle with the beast. You gave enough in the chapter to create interest and good vision. No weakness in the excellent opening chapter.
Coyote

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

thank you very much !
The storyline was good. I think this line, "Not only did this wound him it also forced him to the floor, knocking the air from his lungs." could have been left out entirely. The next line brings the picture into focus clearly. It's a trick fiction writers use expressed as, "Show, don't tell." Try to let your sentences pack as much punch as your characters. Less is very often more in writing and the fewer words you can use to express the scene the better off you will be. Just my thoughts. Keep up the good work.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Yes i often struggle with the battle of how much to say and how much to be left to discover, thank y.. read more
I like that the characters aren't dull

Posted 11 Years Ago


RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Haha im very glad that you think so, thank you
I love* this story!! It's this just amazing mix of fantasy, dystopia, and magic. It really started reminding me of the Hunger Games with the Warhounds and like the Inheritance Cycle.
You're a really great writer, very detailed (which I just adore) and you have such a talent for action scenes. They are definitely your strongest point. I found a few minor grammar errors, but nothing that can't be fixed later on when you edit.
I also really loved all the names you created, both for the people and the places. The setting seems pretty amazing, as I was reading I kept thinking how much I wanted a map of this world so I could really get a feel for it(:
Aiden is really complex, I love that his only "talent" of sorts so far seems to be his fighting skills and that now he's lost it because there's no war for him to fight. His relationship with his dad is amazing, and I love that he has this connection with him because of this war that spanned generations. That really made the setting feel very large and full of depth.

I really just loved it so far, and can't wait to read the next part when I get a moment.

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Wow thank you so much, im so pleased you are enjoying it, i hope you enjoy chapter 2 just as much.
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TLK
The first sentence starts with how Aiden felt a month ago in [place we don't know about], and ends with him thinking he's going to die. I reckon the second part is the more important fact. Now, "Regardless of all his preparation, Aiden now thought he was going to die in this forest," is one of those 'you're shitting me' sentences that readers don't believe, so I leave it up to you to make it powerful. But currently you're heading a lead weight in a large ball of styrofoam -- just smack the reader with the harsh truth.
The second sentence is oddly disjointed, almost a non sequitur in itself. "The rain is cold, it's not winter." What are you trying to say? I also don't think it follows up from Aidan seriously thinking he's going to die.
To make these two sentences congeal together, you need to show that it is precisely the cold that he is worrying will kill him. You merely alude to this with 'ruined clothes' and 'warm back in Knoas'.
I read a David Gemmell story years ago (I can recommend him, I liked him when I was a teen at least) and found out that extreme cold kills you not long after your body shuts down to the point you no longer feel it. It's these kinds of physiological facts that you can use to really make the situation feel desperate -- although I don't think that Aiden is really that far along yet, he's more worrying about it. "Aiden was waiting for the point where he stopped feeling the cold. That would mean he was about to die, which he almost welcomed," would be a very shocking way of putting it.
You then take us away from Aiden's plight (not that it seems too immediate) to give us some backstory. This is always a tricky subject in genre fiction. A google search for 'fantasy writing exposition' took me here -- http://fantasy-faction.com/2012/an-exiguous-exploration-of-exposition-in-expansive-epics -- and it seems on a quick skim to be quite informative. The problem with this exposition is that you are taking us away from Aiden's present predicament, which is really what your chapter is about (according to your opening and chapter description).

At this point, I lost track of the point of the chapter and have had to stop reading for the present. I note that there are many examples later on of dialogue without ending punctuation, and a lack of an apostrophe to indicate the possessive in "strangers predicament".

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Thanks for your input, the point i was trying to put across was that he was beggining to panic that .. read more
Remember to 'tab' each new paragraph, not only is it proper form but it makes it easier (at least for me) to read
I love the feeling of a war torn and divided nation. Reminds me of a post civil war america feel.
I like the old glorious feel that you give to war, you don't see that in too many modern novels. They usually condemn it, I like that you'er doing something going back to the old glory days.
"Aiden will never forget what his father said to him that night." I think there is a better way you could phrase that to make it flow better. Like, "The words his father said to him that night..." More telling less of a cliche word.
"...don’t come back until you have some grim tales to tell”" This is out of character for a father who goes to war, loves it, to call those tales grim.(unless he secretly doesn't like it)
"...Not only did this wound him it also forced him to the floor, knocking the air from his lungs." I would just take that first part away,it messes with the flow. Change it to something like "Forcing him to the floor..."
About halfway through the battle, if Aiden didn't have time to get up how is he being knocked to the floor again?
"We now return to where we began..." You don't need that transition line, the reader can figure the time change on their own. A tiny thing you choice on whether to keep it or not.
"his ground until he had a better idea of the stranger,..." The sentence would be more clear if you added "of who the stranger was" because the meaning isn't clear on first reading.
When introducing a new character, such as Olgen, you shouldn't use the characters name until the main character knows the new characters name since you are writing in 3rd person limited.
".. it turned out they were far more alike than he had imagined..." Show don't tell.You already showed the image of what Aiden had of Olgen and disproved it you don't need to state it.
".. although in all fairness .." This phrase has a connotation that means you are disagreeing. I would delete it.
Remember periods at the end of entences even in conversation.
I love your conversation, your word choice for them is amazing and really brings me to a different world. A really great fantasy start! I love your characters, and reminds me of a RPG game! I get a sense of where the plot is going, and I'm really excited to meet Korick and see what kind of person that he ends up being. Great job!

Posted 11 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

RyanXIII

11 Years Ago

Awesome i cant wait, please take your time i can wait for a nice detailed review :) thanks again
TLK

11 Years Ago

This is an excellent review, Imara, so you're in my reviewer hall of fame. Thanks for helping to kee.. read more
Imara

11 Years Ago

Oh thank you so much! Your kind words are really humbling and encouraging!

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Added on April 25, 2013
Last Updated on April 25, 2013
Tags: fantasy, war, adventure, archer, battle


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RyanXIII
RyanXIII

Northumberland, United Kingdom



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My name is Ryan I am from the north-east of England and I am A music Degree student. I love to write although I have no idea if im any good at it or not (I guess thats why im here). more..

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