Self esteem Senryu

Self esteem

Like sun beams

A hollow dream

Author's Note

Guess how I was feeling when I wrote this. If anyone has sone knowledge on "proper" Haikus, I'm open to suggestion on this one, as always.

Reviews

[Rita L. Sev]

First, the sentiment is clear, and wrenching - self-esteem would be as warm and wonderful as the sun, if it was felt at all.

A haiku, by definition, is about nature and the seasons. This is a senryu, basically the same format but more about the human condition. Traditionally, there should be a total of 17 syllables (but it can be fewer), usually distributed as 5/7/5.

[Samuel Jack]

Great review thanks, I'll change the title. I may play around more with this one. Thanks again Rita! Always so helpful

[DCT ponderings]

Self Esteem beats down
like sun beams melting asphalt
just a hollow dream

[Samuel Jack]

Interesting, not quite along the same lines I was going for. It was more the ethereal aspects of sun beams I wanted to bring across to the reader.

[DCT ponderings]

Well mine is indeed of the mark from yor intend. I couldn't put ethereal and hollow together in my mind until I read Rita's review. Now I get it. Should have read first. :0

[Samuel Jack]

No worries, sun beams melting asphalt is awesome!

[zainul]

Great efforts on a meaningful piece.
Constructive conversation makes a wonderful atmosphere of cooperation and inspiration.
I enjoy the lovely gestures.

[Samuel Jack]

Thank you, it is fun to let other people's own interpretations loose.

[zainul]

You are very right,dear poet.

[Sirius King]

i like this as is, but if you want to follow the 5/7/5 symbol count
...here are some suggestions

Light of Self Esteem
Like a Warm Kiss From Sun Beams
Such a Hollow Dream

[Samuel Jack]

Yeah, I've realised I've been constraining myself too much, and could have said a lot more. Thanks for the suggestion and support.

[Aethereal]

As a stand alone free verse poem, this has much potential. Inspired me to write this gift poem for you. It's in /0/0/0 and /0/0/0/ meter. Rhyme isn't necessary for poetry, but meter gives it a sing song flow.

Valuing one's self
must be as perplexing as
light beholding light.

[Samuel Jack]

0/0/0 meter means you don't count the syllables?

[Aethereal]

/ is a stress syllable, and 0 is a non-stress syllable. It's better to have the stress and non-stress syllables alligned. Look in the dictionary to find where a word is stressed. In your poem: esteem has a hard accent on the second syllable, and hollow has a hard accent on the first syllable if your look in the dictionary. esteem and hollow are not alligned!

[ANTO]

I lurked, I liked, I commented. (not Julias Caesar lol)

All journeys begin with the first step Samuel and I'd like to share the haiku/senryu journey with you if thats okay with you my friend?

[Samuel Jack]

Defiantly my friend, if you read Rita's comments she's EXTREMELY helpful, she's very supportive, but instructional, I suggest sending Her some read requests, as I learnt more about poetry off Her than I did off anyone else. Rita for the win!!

[Zahra]

Rita has already explained about haiku and i think this short piece is lovely, saying so much in few words. Self esteem feels like sun says that illuminates our hearts and personality, but in life many times we have to struggle in order to protect it. Very nicely done.

[Samuel Jack]

Thank you, I'm going to play around with the meter soon, but I'm a little worried it will change to much.your reviews are always encouraging thank you