Looming moon Haiku

A presence is sensed

dark shadow falls over me

the moon is looming

Author's Note

Thanks to all the people giving me tips on Japanese structures. I've edited this to fit 5-7-5 senyru form. Special thanks too Rita, as this is your version :) More originals on the way!

Reviews

[Zahra]

Wow I really liked this one, saying so much in so few words. Well done!

[Samuel Jack]

Thank you. I'm considering changing it based on some of the other reviews, I've realised being constrained to meter can be fun as well as challenging.

[Aethereal]

All by itself as a free verse poem it works to inspire images within the reader's mind. Your poem inspired me to write this Senryu which you may have as a gift. The first and third line follows /0/0/ meter, and the middle line follows /0/0/0/ meter; / an accent, and 0 a non-accent.


Stars tug on my mind
defying each leering shade
cast by lunar beams.

[Samuel Jack]

Eh? 0/0/0 meter, does that mean you didn't follow meter?

[DCT ponderings]

Aethereal is writing that the /is (an accent) or stressed syllable. The O is a non-accent or non-stressed syllable. The first line is 5 syllables, then 7, then 5. Haiku's include an aspect of nature and season. Senryus have the same structure only are about human nature (man/emotions). At least this is my understanding. :)

[Aethereal]

All I'm sayingis that poems in most cases flows better if they have meter. I don't know if it's in the Senryu law book that they have meter, but I place it there anyhow to get better flow.

[Zahra]

I know of a form, kind of traditional, folk type. Women in villages used to sing a three line poem/song at wedding celebrations. Something like Haiku chain, but it had nothing to do with syllables and topic mostly used to be wedding, bride, groom, in laws etc in a romantic or funny way. It's a punjabi form called 'tappa'. Don't know too much about it.

[Samuel Jack]

Cool, you've all give me something to think about. Thanks for the knowledge.

[Rita L. Sev]

Just read your haiku, and your explanation to WIT (though I 'got' the meaning you were going for). I like this premise! You need only to add a few syllables for it to follow traditional haiku. For example:

a presence is sensed
dark shadow falls over me
the moon is looming

Hope this is helpful!

[Samuel Jack]

Your version is more descriptive and in proper meter, so it looks like I'm making some changes. Thanks again Rita!

[Parsimony]

Haiku scheme:

First line: 5 syllables
Second line: 7 syllables
Third line: 5 syllables

Senryu is similar but more about emotional nature.

[Parsimony]

Your meter scheme is 3-3-3

[Samuel Jack]

Cool, I'm gonna play around with it. Thanks for the advice. You have been a good source of poetry knowledge and encouragement.

[writer in trial]

I didn't get it :(
Are you practicing some shadow arts or what ??
Or you find someone by tracing his shadow in moonlight :D

[Samuel Jack]

He senses a prescense behind him , a shadow falls over him, but it's just the moon looming over him.