A Poem by Ashimoto

A poem that I wrote for my friend.


These tears that fall down my face.
Makes me wish I were in a different place.
I feel all these warm, wet tears.
Its one of my worst fears.
I lay alone,
Waiting for the phone.
As I start to cry,
Wishing this were a big lie.
My heart is in a war,
My heart is in a detour.
There is no such thing as a Cure For this broken hearted Tear.
I go to my bed,
Hoping I would wake up dead.
Cause all this pain,
Is like being hit by a train.
My tears turn to black,
My heart starts to crack.
My heart has stopped,
Right at the top.
You turned my blood black to red,
Now all it seems as if I were dead.
Now my heart is black and blue.
I really hope you knew.

© 2010 Ashimoto

Author's Note

What a sad poem I wrote. T^T Btw, my best friend, Kasi, re-did this poem. Put this link in you address bar and go review it! http://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Kasi_Chan/574678/

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this is great i think i'm going to cry

Posted 7 Years Ago

Poetry is an art that few are gifted with. It is like a painting in the way that there is no right and wrong to it. I believe you establish the feeling of pain quite well. Good job.

Posted 9 Years Ago

Haha what ya mean you can't write!?! I enjoyed this a lot. And if you think your not a good writer it's always something you work at i did! And I know I improved dramatically and I'm proud of myself. You'll get there so I'd change that all about me thing you got on there ;D

Posted 9 Years Ago

The neon color really makes it pop out.

Posted 9 Years Ago

I really like Kasi's version of this poem. But I do like ze neon. :B

Posted 9 Years Ago

"Now my heart is black and blue
I really hope you knew."

Loved those lines.
Well, written, but sad. Good job! ;p

Posted 9 Years Ago

Still pretty good, why not try a new version that doesn't rhyme so much? It might make a difference. ;)
Just a suggestion.

Good piece!

Posted 9 Years Ago

That's really good!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 9 Years Ago

You're trying so hard to rhyme that you are sacrificing the mood of the poem. There is a bit of repetition. In sadness, we feel as if we retell the same story again and again. The rhythm isn't bad but there is one line out of place toward the middle.

Posted 9 Years Ago

This is a sad, but good poem. I love the neon gren, and if you fixed the spelling errors and divided it into sentences then it would be much better. However it would still have the same effect on people. Great job.

Posted 10 Years Ago

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16 Reviews
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on July 18, 2009
Last Updated on July 11, 2010



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