A Deal

A Deal

A Poem by Sanjh
"

A deal worth everything...

"
Standing on his knees,
Head bowed in prayer
Before the one almighty,
True love, tears. so rare...

Wishing for her happiness,
Praying for her dreams to come true.
Ready to sacrifice everything,
Everything he ever knew...

Watching his tears,
The heavens spoke to him.
Sparking the hope in his eyes,
That was long lost, so dim.

"Make all her dreams reality,
That's my only request.
If only she'll be happy,
I'll truly be blessed."

"what will you sacrifice?"
Asked the heavens.
To check his commitment,
They wanted his heart's impressions.

The heavens asked for
the most valuable thing in his life.
And he offered himself,
For accomplishing what he strives...

Heavens didn't want his life, but
"It's your love, are you ready to sacrifice?"
He was struck by lightening,
What a roll of dice...

"If you accept,
You'll loose her forever,
She'll reach to her dreams,
And will not cry, never ever..."

Sacrificing love, for love,
He just smiled and accepted.
With oceans of pain in his heart,
The right choice he selected...

Her dreams were realized,
Her smile tells how she feels.
Forgetting about the guy,
Who made the deal...



© 2014 Sanjh


Author's Note

Sanjh
Wrote something after a long time. I'm still working on it, some corrections are needed and also it's a bit too long. Kindly help me with it...thank you...:)

My Review

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Featured Review

I really like the story in this poem and also the word choice. The only thing I would say to work on is improving the strength of the fifth stanza in order to make it flow better, and some editing for correct usage should be done ("lose" not "loose" in 8th stanza). Overall the poem itself is beautiful.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much Sierra for a great advice, I'll certainly work on it...:)



Reviews

Oh, wow. Touched me so much. Really, truly heart-rending. :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you Ragini, I'm glad you liked it...:)
Dont worry dear its just the right length. Very nice rhythm and you have told a simple story very interestingly here. Salute for that. Very emotional. Just one thing, the rhyming scheme in stanza 5 is kind of disturbing whencompared to the whole thing. Rest is just amazing.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Yeah, you are right. I'm working on 5th stanza. Thank you so much Penny...:)
Penny

9 Years Ago

My pleaaure and all the best.
i think its ok as it is, a very romantic poem, extremely well written :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much Richard...:)

"Make all her dreams reality,
That's my only request.
If only she'll be happy,
I'll truly be blessed."

I LOVE IT!
Sometimes girls can be a b***h! :'( May my guy be like this one, but never loses me :'(
Your poem drags me back to something I wish to run away from, the hope of the world's best lover :'(

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Khyati

9 Years Ago

UNCLE JIIIIII ^_^ ;) ab toh apko uncle hi bulaungi ;)
Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Me rply nai krnga...:(
Khyati

9 Years Ago

lol :* sorry bhaiya!
It is not long enough LOL I truly enjoy this poem it's so romantic truly is...You did an excellent job...I am kind of speechless. I just loved everything about. you told the story in a very sweet way... Okay, I just love it! LOL

Thank you for sharing

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much Suk, your review made my day...:)
The Black Warrior

9 Years Ago

I am glad to hear that LOL :D
Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Yes, it's true...:)
I am not in the position to suggest corrections in grammar and structure for English is my third language and i am not likewise a creative writing or literature-related degree holder. But i would like to let you know that this piece is very moving. Even we sacrifice everything for someone we love it doesn't guarantee that we will be loved in return.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much Gabrielle, I'm glad you liked it so much...:)
This poem is very beautiful, I enjoyed reading this.

Kaze~ :-))

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much Kaze...:)
♔ CrownedDevil ☾

9 Years Ago

Anytime. :-))
In the 4th line true should be spelt "true"...I am glad in this universe the heavens spoke to him and dried his tears. That is a comforting thought, like sleep almost as nice as sleep and sweet dreams

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you for the correction Laura, may be someday the things would happen as we expect them to...:)
This could use some minor editing. But, the sentiments are quite breathtaking and beautiful. A fulsome testament of True Love.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

Thank you so much Momzilla, I'm glad you liked it...:)
MomzillaNC

9 Years Ago

You're welcome.
The narrative quality in the poem is very good. The story is tragic, but it does call into question how we can make others happy. Are our small minds capable of knowing what is best for someone else? Can we presume to make such a deal without regard to what the person in question would decide, given the same choice? Can anyone be promised a tearless, sorrowless life in this cruel world?

As for the mechanics, there are couple of things to watch out for:
1. Tue should probably be true (last line, 1st stanza)
2. 6th stanza: "heaven's" should just be "heavens"
3. 7th stanza: there should be a "the" before "dice."
4. Last stanza: "feel" should be "feels"

Your mechanics have greatly improved since the last poem I read. You've made great strides. Nice job.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Sanjh

9 Years Ago

These are some very deep questions, you are right. A person can not and should not decide anything i.. read more

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954 Views
25 Reviews
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Added on December 5, 2014
Last Updated on December 8, 2014
Tags: love, god, prayer, dark, wish

Author

Sanjh
Sanjh

New Delhi, India



About
So I'm back after a small gap of 5 months. I have more than 1200 RRs, sorry I won't be able to read them all, only the latest. Thank you for reading and reviewing my writings. :) I am a part time w.. more..

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