BPD

A poem about Mental Health and Trauma and relationships

All my life I've never felt enough
Not worthy of any love
Searching for it in toxic hearts
I was looking for it from the start.
I'm normal til I'm abandoned,
Let down, abused, saddened.
I have too much love to give
But that makes me so naive.

Expectations ruin anything beautiful for me, to some degree
I try to act cold but that's no guarantee, I'm too empathic and can see that pattern rearing it's ugly head once again, just for me.

For the hundredth time, please not this again, I'm in a nightmare I cannot comprehend, I'll descend into madness I don't give a f**k but I do I don't know
How can you help me to repress?

Your inaction destroyed my ability to love myself, you are too in your own feelings to notice my health is declining but you're too busy whining about how I'm still not enough.

Not good enough, not loving enough but I'm not your mother, I'm the other.
When will my insecurities take the handcuffs off?
Mumma never loved me so I made do
She didn't teach me what I should do.

She could've said to survive you need to love yourself,
But mumma you've only ever hated yourself; around fifty years of self loathing, something I have tried disposing of.

Mumma didn't love me so I filled the void with bad boys, bad men, drugs and drink.
I think it should've taught me lessons but
Instead it gave me crippling depression.

Neurotic, psychotic, the bridge between
I could jump off it but my dopamine is already fucked up, and I wish you knew me, got me, helped me up.
Behind the scenes, lungs filled with nicotine, ticker full of liquor, melted blues under the tongue,
Hoping it will make death come quicker.

The monster has finally caught up with me,
I tried so hard girl I promise but I have to succumb to the bad boys, drugs and misery, he got me special delivery.
I'm tired, exhausted, done.
And the monster victoriously won.