Headspace.

We're stuck in our moving bodies.

Do you ever feel like there is a secret your heart is teasing you with? I get this feeling. It’s like determination and hopelessness and frustration and contentment all mixed together like ingredients for an atomic bomb. I can’t find the words to describe this feeling. It’s like searching your mind for the key to your heart. You can try everything, listening to music and thinking sad thoughts and imagining finding that key over and over and  over, but the key is only a whisper of a memory. You can think, but not feel. It’s like being numb but thinking about feeling. Being broken, and knowing there’s a way to fix it but you can’t find it. You’ll keep searching, looking for a way to see though a brick wall. Determined to inflict pain, trying to force yourself to feel. Determined to tuck away the confusion. Determined to feel something. Frustrated you can’t find a solution or a way to get through, a road map to your heart. But the space you are in, it isn’t an uncomfortable place. You are just okay to be. Nothing hurts, nothing harms. You don’t feel the pain, nothing can touch your soul.

You’re lonely but also content being alone. You’re sad but not sad enough to cry. You’re okay, but not really. You’re looking for the words, but they simply leave like a last breath would leave a person. You feel agony, but nothing at all.

To those who have never felt this way, be thankful for your pain. Because with pain comes joy, and that makes the pain bearable.

You don’t know how much of a blessing it is to feel.