And Now A Word from Our Sponsors

And Now A Word from Our Sponsors

A Story by SeanWegmann

My work isn't free, but I wouldn't dare charge you glorious people for the pleasure of reading my work. That's like charging for water....or sex.


Are long work weeks, running marathons for the boss-man getting on your last nerve?  Sick of those damned kids screaming and flipping over furniture in fits of caffeine-induced hyperactivity?  Do you wish you could just drown everyone around you in vats of used motor oil, but are afraid of first degree murder charges or the wrath of a vengeful God consuming you in a 50-foot-high column of cyclonic holy flame?

                Well, have we got the product for you!

                You’ve heard of Seeing Eye dogs and birds that can make big sandwiches.  Those were only the beginning.  Using state of the art equipment and cutting edge research, the Asian scientists here at Necessary Evils, Inc. have developed the rage mitigation tool of the future �" and without the energy costs and moral dubiety of electroshock therapy.  We call it a “Choke Monkey”: an artificially synthesized primate small enough to fit in a handbag and resilient enough to survive the most gruesome of beatings.  Throttle, kick, stab, even burn the dirty, little simians �" because they’re clones and have no souls, it’s barely a sin and completely legal.*  After beating the living hell out of one of our Choke Monkeys, you’ll be calm enough to sit still through the inauguration of a new Pope.  We guarantee it.  If you ram your head through your television set halfway through the procession, we at Necessary Evils, Inc. will be happy to replace your TV and pay for any funeral costs.  That’s how firmly we stand behind our product.

                Order a Choke Monkey today and receive twelve complimentary bushels of bananas and five applications of tick medication!  Only $24000 each, plus international shipping. 

                Which is another $24000.

*Legality still under dispute in Florida, New York, Texas, Georgia, Tennessee, both Carolinas, both Dakotas, both Virginias, Ohio, New Hampshire, New Mexico, original Mexico, all of Europe, some of Africa, most of Asia, most of Australia and damn near 75% of Canada

© 2012 SeanWegmann

Author's Note

As always I do this to entertain and make you laugh. If you've laughed while reading this, please leave a comment. If you have any helpful hints or suggestions for any of my work please respect me and my craft they way you'd want me to respect yours. Your criticism is welcome so long as it is constructive. Hope you've enjoyed, much more to come.

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lol choke monkey

Posted 11 Years Ago

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1 Review
Added on September 7, 2012
Last Updated on September 7, 2012
Tags: Product, Funny, Comedy, Humor, Laughter, Monkey, Animal, Dark, Love, Commercial, Money, infomercial, Oxiclean, jokes, no animals harmed, some animals killed



Houston, TX

Human-ish. Nearly English-fluent. A*s-clown. Possibly a Middle Eastern terrorist. Probably not a child molester. All phrases commonly assigned to prolific author Sean Wegmann. But yo.. more..