A Letter From Mother

A posthumous letter from the past to the future.

To My Sweet Alouette,

If you're reading this then I must be dead, missing or some other legal equivalent. Whatever the cause, I'm sorry; once again I've left you alone. I'm writing this to let you know that I won't have you killing yourself or attempt to revive me. You're a smart girl so you should focus on something more useful than a way to bring the dead back. Put that passion into something else.

On the other hand, if you hate me and don't care at all that I've died or you're happier now...I understand. I won't make any excuses for me or your father, we weren't prepared for a child, much less an extraordinary one like you. Still, there are things I want to tell you, that I couldn't tell you personally. Who knows, maybe you already know all of this. Sometimes, no, I always felt as though you saw through me. I don't remember you asking, but your father and I met at work. We weren't exactly co-workers, though, I was his superior. I just worked in a different department of the same company, so I wasn't technically his boss or anything. In any case, that's how we met. We had friends who were friends and, by chance, we got invited out to have a few drinks and we both accepted. I'm going to be perfectly straight with you Al: don't drink. Your judgment gets clouded over and you do things you wouldn't normally do. Usually, they're the very stupid kind. I hooked up with your father that night, but that was all it took to become pregnant.

I never thought I'd have a baby. I never even thought I'd be a wife either. I was always the kind of person who wasn't too interested in romance and stuff like that. It's not that I've felt love or fallen in love before, but I could never see myself as being one of those girls clinging to their man and stuff. I suppose you'd call me conservative like that. As you would expect, I was pretty confused and panicked. I didn't really know what to do. I'm not really good at dealing with my mistakes you see. For the first time in my life, I considered having an abortion, but really, if only we could be spared from the consequences of our mistakes with a little money. I wasn't prepared to be a mother, but everyone was kind of happy about it. I asked a friend for some advice and the next thing I know, everyone knew about it. They even said 'congratulations' without understanding my conflict. And your father, he was a pretty serious guy and he persuaded me to marry him. To be absolutely honest, I was against it, but I thought 'now I won't have to do this hard thing alone' and said yes. With hindsight...I wonder if I shouldn't have done any of those things differently, but we got married without any real formal wedding, just a marriage license and a few months later you were born.

Alouette, I remember that name from my childhood. I knew a woman with that name and she told me of the song that was her namesake. I've loved that name ever since so I decided to name you that. Your father wanted the name Jeanne, but we settled that for your middle name. If you were a boy, I would have let him name you. I kind of remember us making a deal like that. In those early days, we were both big on the idea of playing family. I'm honestly surprised it lasted for as long as it did. It's said that men seek sex and give love and women seek love and give sex. From a purely evolutionary standpoint, that's how things worked in human couplings. But, having the ability to define our own reasons for being, I'm not sure I had any great ideas. I was just hoping for someone who could look after you without having to sacrifice my time away from my job. But you know, I was equally surprised when, a few days after taking you home, you suddenly started crying and wouldn't stop! I didn't know it until I took you back to the hospital which was a while because I didn't think I had done something wrong. 'I can figure this out' I thought and kept trying until your father convinced me to take you the hospital. As it turned out, that was your Aberration. I remember thinking if it was always going to be like this, maybe I should have put you up for adoption, but when I saw those beautiful eyes of yours, more radiant and lovely than real amethysts, I thought 'This is my daughter' and it was a really happy feeling. I hadn't felt that kind of feeling in a really long time. Do you remember? Perhaps you were too young. My fondest memory was holding you when you were still small, watching the sunset beyond the window. Even now, I can still recall the redness of the sky dyeing the living room in its crimson glow, but even then it was your sparkling violet eyes that were the most beautiful thing.

Even so, work was work. And I had a lot of to do. Your father too was unreasonable busy, being a productive worker bee himself. We had to find babysitters and daycare workers for you. I was honestly nervous about leaving you with a stranger. I could never shake the feeling that something might happen to you; that I might return home and find you missing or worse. Eventually, I got used to it and was able to focus more on work again. As a mother, I'm not quite sure what I expected. You grew up fast, time is that which, when you stop paying attention to it, has already gone by so much. In no time at all, you were ready for school and when you started primary school, there was nothing but good things to be said about you so I felt proud. You were getting along with your friends, you were having a good time.

But then you changed.

It was when you were in middle school that I noticed it. When I had gone to your parent-teacher conference that I managed to make time for, I realized that your expression was dark. The more nice things your teacher said about you, the darker your beautiful eyes grew. That was probably my first clue, but at the time, I wasn't sure what to say to you. So I left you alone. I hoped it would work itself out. And I thought it did when you started smiling again. The company had merged with another and your father had been one who lost his job, but I was promoted. It wasn't fair, but there was nothing I could do. He stayed home and was there to play with you so I didn't mind him becoming a stay at home dad. I had too much work to do myself almost so it was a lucky break in that regard. On some nights, I wouldn't even go home. A few months later, though, that expression of yours returned.

And then all of that happened. I had no idea of what your father was making you do. When I came home early that night because you were sick and found you and him missing, I nearly panicked again. I searched your room and I found it: the shoe box of cash, the new outfits that wouldn't even fit in your closet. When had you gotten all those clothes and where did that money come from? When you and father returned, I was prepared to question the both of you endlessly, but you gave it up quickly. And the answer: gambling. I could hardly believe it. Not the gambling story, nor the fact that he had lost and had actually tried to offer YOU up as collateral. I can't believe he would take his sick daughter out in the middle of the night to a smoke-filled room, to play illegal gambling with strange men. And he bet you! You, my dear sweet Alouette. I had never been so disgusted and angry with someone. But, I angriest at myself for not being there to protect you. You couldn't even completely erase his debt. In the end, we had to move and I quickly divorced him. I haven't heard from him since he ran off.

I made a promise then that I would always put you first and I'm writing this having just made that promise. With whom, you might wonder? With myself. I failed to protect you once, and I'm not willing to just fail you again. If I died protecting you that would be the greatest thing, but if not, well, no worries. I still love you. I may not have been the best at expressing that, but I will do my best from now on! Perhaps my actions since have redeemed me. Maybe you're my age now? That would be something. If so, you should probably already know this. If not, I'm telling you anyway because if they can't find your father or his family since they live in another country, you have more family here in Terra.

My parents, your grandparents, are still alive at least the time of me writing this. They live in the 11^th District, again, at the time of me writing this. When I left home, I pretty much cut all ties. There aren't any bad memories, I just didn't mesh well with their personalities and lifestyle is all. As for what those are, well, I'm sure you'll figure that out for yourself. Although, with their advanced age, I would hope that they would have settled down by now. If Providence can't find your father, you'll most likely stay with them, but if they're gone as well, you're stuck with Providence I'm afraid. Well, I haven't received any calls about their deaths, so they're probably fine. In any case, they're not terrible people and no matter what I'll be with you. Whether in these empty words or in your heart, I'll be with you so don't feel too lonely okay? You're a strong beautiful and smart girl so no matter what, people won't be able to leave you alone! Just like your mother! So don't feel too lonely. Make lots of friends and do what makes you happiest, okay?

Remember, no matter what, I will ALWAYS be with you and if you see your dad, tell him that I've forgiven him and that I'm sorry. I always believed your eyes to be beautiful, Al, but your heart is the most beautiful thing so I don't expect to see you before you've accomplished your dream. At that time, you can tell me all about it.

Love,

          Mom