Coup de grâce

coup de grâce

 

All the rest of the evening my heart ached with the deepest regret I knew would pass upon the light of mourn.

 

Then came the awake,

the blood rushing in voluminous waves back to my pulse,

the panic of your emptiness crippling me.

The ache cemented itself inside…

 

What did I do?

 

I spent the day in fidgets,

like a doped-up hamster

going,

going,

going.

In my mind you were everywhere,

in everything,

doing all the sordid things my mind conjured

 and more,

and worse.

I wretched,

and cried until there was nothing left but the aching throb in my head.

 

At my request you went away.

Left,

gone,

leaving the silence still… between our patterns.

Now…

they must change,

our patterns.

Again.

 

Who says the withdrawer is better off?

Who says the leaver has it easy?

Who says the retreater must not feel?

Reasons…unique and personal led to this path…

And I’m standing at these crossroads of gold,

but there’s no Kingdom of Oz here.

 

Only silence…

 

And the pulsating scream of my chosen aching heart.

Reviews

[emmajoy]

The frantic finish somehow deflects the desperate sadness before: its as raw as loss can be. It's so hard to analyse what is utterly personal. So, I can only add that how you've portrayed that YOU has made me feel so deeply.

Hands holding, sitting quietly.

[Seriana]

Thank you, lovely. You're as patient as a summer peach. Waiting, you. LOL Sometimes we are the ones letting go on purpose, no? Doesn't hurt any less. Mind if I join you in the silence of holding? Thank you, again, for stopping.

[emmajoy]

I can be silent, promise! Will always stop. Call in when you can; it's been a while. Bright beacon lhere to guide the way! x

[emmajoy]

27 Feb'y: Always hoping there'd be a soft hum of noisy drum of music here. Obviously have to work on it! Take care, please.

[emmajoy]

5 March, hope you're taking care.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

one of my best friends could have written this poem this weekend...she tragically lost her husband this past Thursday...this very much describes his anxiety attacks...and her panic at losing her lover and best friend.
j.

[Seriana]

Thank you J for your kind thoughts. So sorry to hear of your friend's husband's passing and the panic. May she find peace in the waves of emotions.