My life

My life

A Story by AchingAlexandra
"

This is a very real description of my life. EDITS: I edited the name. xD

"
Once upon a time there was a girl. She was kind of weird, and moved a few times as a kid, so she didn't get to make friends very well. Then, on her first day as a new kid, she made a new friend who she liked very much. She became very good friends with that girl, but other people didn't like the new girl, and they made fun of her a lot. Called her Rabies Girl, and plenty other names even got her into trouble when they could. She stayed in that town for 11 years. When she was in grade 6 her beloved dog and grandfather died, along with her favourite teacher. And when she was in grade 7 she learned a way to figure out how to deal with the pain of people bullying her, and shunning her. She made the first slice to her wrist. She was sent to guidance for what she did and swore she wouldn't do it again, but in grade 9 she started again, and it was worse. The cuts were deeper and bled more. And still the people never stopped harassing her. But she hid them so they wouldn't know what a freak she was. Her best friend got a boyfriend who said she couldn't talk to her anymore. So the poor girl was left alone. She also realized she was attracted to females, but eventually she went from bisexual to pansexual. Time and time again her friends would abandon her, or just forget about her. She became invisible, except to those who made fun of her. She continued to be their target. When they had a bad day, hers was worse, because they would take it out on her, but she never spoke of it to anyone. Not parents, counselors, or even the 2 friends who stayed with her. So she continued to bleed herself. Then one day, she found a guy she fell head over heels for, and he claimed to adore her as well, but he lied. He used her for anything he could get. As soon as he found out she harmed herself,  he left her, telling her that he used her, and actually hated her. She tried to kill herself, and being unsuccessful, decided to wear black, to morn for her dead heart. She stayed in her dead state for months, then she met another boy. She thought she loved him. She was more careful with him, and told him she didn't want to have sex, but he forced himself upon her time and time again. Eventually he dumped her, leaving her to let the broken peices of her soul float away.  That was when she had her second attempt at suicide, but failing again, continued to be her own dead self. No one knew how much she hurt though, for she kept a smile on in company, kept the humour for a wall between her true self, and her friends and family. Her friends continued to use her and hate her though. If they didn't want anything from her, they didn't talk to her. She started becoming  thinner because she stopped eating as much. No one noticed. And when she sliced into her face, no one noticed. When she tried to slit her throat, no one noticed. By now, the bullies moved on to other stuff, so she really was invisible. Left alone to think of all the things her brothers did to her as a child. Tape her mouth completely shut, push her down the stairs, leave scissors where she could find them. He childhood was a wreck, like the rest of her life, but at least she was innocent then. Then, she thought she found the one. he was 6 years older than her, but she didn't care, she liked who he was. But one night he decided he didn't want to date a 15 year old and dumped her. She now has 2 scars running down her left arm a little longer then an eraser, but the same width on it's side.  She decided she was going to give up. She couldn't keep a best friend, or any friend, she couldn't find love, no one wanted her, or noticed her. She never got compliments that people actually meant, and there was no reason for her to keep going. But one of her friends from elementary school continued to talk to her, and is still the reason she is alive. She met guys on the internet that she thought she loved, who just turned out to be fake, and just wanted her body. One of those relationships lasted 8 months, then she discovered he wasn't who he said his photo was. Broken hearted she tried to die again. another guy she liked online just stopped talking to her, and tried to kill himself. In one night she took 32 pills and closed her eyes, hoping that she would never awaken. She cried when she did. She didn't want to be alive. a week after she took another 46 pills and the process happened again. She then met her most potential love yet. But he just got her into drugs, smoking, and drinking. While they dated, she tried to OD again, taking 22 Tylenol. This time she got very sick and was sent to the hospital.They found out that she tried to kill herself and kept her there 3 weeks, no visitors aside from immediate family. She pretended to get better, and the doctors decided she didn't need medication to keep her happy. They sent her home, and she just went back to feeling awful about herself. She hates how she looks. Thinks she fat and ugly. She still doesn't eat very much and  it's been 2 years. She still has very few real friends, and her old best friends went around telling people they wished she had died when she went to the hospital, and while they said it they either laughed, or smiled, but they meant it. She still cuts and wishes to die. None of her real friends actually like her, and she only has online friends that do like her.

© 2011 AchingAlexandra


Author's Note

AchingAlexandra
I wrote this on msn to my friend. I hope you enjoy reading about my shitty life...
EDIT : I repressed the memories of my old babysitter molesting me in the tree-house in her backyard .
I seem to have forgotten to add in where i was raped by one of my exes multiple times while he and I dated , and when I was raped by a guy I used to have a crush on .

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Reviews

I read your story now!
Life has been miserable to you...
But like I believe ...thereis a good reason for eveything that happens to us...

You shall find your happiness soon..December is yet to come...its still June...

Posted 10 Years Ago


You shall laugh from today.....
Laugh till you have to hold your sides
We will make them smile from tomorrow,
Pickniks, proms and cycle rides.
(*_*)
Cheer up Alex.....I joined this website to lighten everyones mood.
Ok ! now i will read your story...and tell you that its all good!


Posted 10 Years Ago


It's hard to think of all these people reading my life story...

Posted 10 Years Ago


Life hurts like hell, we need real friends to show us there is a light in those shadows.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I didn't catch any mention of parents except the one cryptic line discussing their hopelessness...fill me in. Anyhow, if they had tried to stop or comfort you you might have mentioned them in a little more detail.
Your problem is you are too aloof. Notice the tone in the passage. Your parents did not even know. You had no real friends. That says quite a lot. Everyone can make friends anywhere even if they are not accepted as part of society: racism. And you weren't even troubled by that.
It's your outlook on life that is troubling- you never stop to think. For example, how can cutting help anybody. It's common sense.

And suicide...it's terribly cowardly. One can commit suicide from happiness to immortalize the moment, but how can one commit suicide to escape miseries? You aren't escaping them. For one thing, it's a Sin.

That too is another of your problems; your choice of catharsis. You seek comfort in the wrong things. Comfort is derived from friends and nature and Faith. Maybe even writing a diary (or keeping lucky necklaces.:)) ...though that's just crying to yourself and that never helps.
Catharsis is not found in OD's and drugs or cutting. Work on this. And think. Really do. What exactly is going on. IF you would like an example of religious musings read "My Discourse". It's a blog by me. It should give you food for thought.

Cherish the few friends you have. Don't give a s**t about the people who hate you. Listen to Eminem "Beautiful", just the lyrics if you don't listen to rap.

And how can you think yourself fat? You're skin and bones! Positively Gaunt! Eat!

Read "A Little Princess" by F.H. Burnett

Finally, stop cutting and take care.

~SOUL LESS~


Posted 10 Years Ago



What a measure of pain...the moving I identify with, and the girl watching of course. Life has away of tossing in a twist or two...some of them quite horrible, while others seem to take time...

Posted 10 Years Ago


i'm sorry. Beautiful write. Nice job.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Oh hunny :( I'm so sorry. That sounds so hard. But know that u are never alone. I'm always here for u. If u ever need to talk about ANYTHING! Shoot me a message on here or u can friend me on Facebook (inbox me for my name if u want to :D) I'm always here for u amour. :) Im a really good listener.
This is a beautiful write but terribly sad. I'm crying that's how sad and how much I relate to this. I love you Hun. Don't ever forget that u are a beautiful and amazing person :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


I can't imagine how hard it is, I couldn't even start, just know that I love you with all my heart and that - no matter what - I'm here for you. My doors are ALWAYS open *hugs*

Posted 10 Years Ago



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791 Views
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Added on February 11, 2011
Last Updated on December 9, 2011
Tags: Pain, reality, bullying, anorexia, self-harm, friends

Author

AchingAlexandra
AchingAlexandra

Canada



About
I'm a really nice person, but I have a lot of issues. I love writing, it helps ebb the regular pain I have. First name: Courtney Middle Name: Alexandra I'm purely myself. I don't change to fit.. more..

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