Forget Me Not part 1

Chapter 49

Forget Me Not

Part 1

I was beyond tired by the time Kerry came in after a quick shower to bring in my sleeping tonic while the drink Mom gave me before family prayer had started to kick in I could have fallen asleep right there on the floor. Least I hoped it was the drink or it could be a combination of exhaustion of very little sleep over the last few days. I do know the drink cocktail with orange juice tasted bitter and tart, but I drank it anyway and laid down on my pillow.

Shane and I had agreed that if I showed any signs of a night terror he would be in bed with me in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. Kerry gave him and me a funny look. Saying “boys” sighed and climbed in beside me fluffed our pillow followed Shane’s eyes said. “What? I might as well just make my night easier than to slip out of comfortable bed and pray I get here in time to help you hold him down, I am saving me a step.” 

Shane just mumbled “nosy big sisters.” and rolled over popping a chip in his mouth.

Dad came into double check the windows and the door grinned seeing Kerry in bed with me. Dad didn’t say anything. Turned off the light made himself comfortable on the coach. Since Mom had already returned our clothes to our room; like I said she likes a tidy house and clean clothes did not belong on the coach. Shane turned said. “Kerry says she saving an extra step.”

Dad yawned. “Can’t argue with that, consider we all end up in here anyway.” Shane nodded fluffed his pillow asking which team he wanted, but Dad was already asleep. Mom shook her head turned on the baby monitor and closed the door putting something against it. Kerry said she’d take the guys wearing white tank tops, considering they had the highest score then snuggled up with me kissed me goodnight, I closed my eyes falling into a deep peaceful sleep.

It was almost 3 in the morning the magical hour I call when it seems when my bad dreams collide with my good dreams, I woke hearing my parents pounding on my bedroom door. I called out for Shane and he wasn’t there with me. I saw Aaron shaking in bed as I looked around. I wasn’t in the Rothwell home. Instead, I was back in my parent’s home. I knew I was in trouble. I closed my eyes repeating my safe words. “I am safe, I am in my bed, they are not real, they are not real.” But the pounding got louder.

My father and my mother were angry with me for running off again. I could hear my father as he tried to break down my bedroom door with an ax. Aaron started crying. So I got out of bed and climbed in with him putting my arms around him as tightly as I could yell. “This isn’t real! This isn’t real!” The door of my room was splintering as the sharp head of the ax hacked at the door getting closer and louder.

I tried opening the bedroom window, but it was sealed shut. I could feel Aaron's' arms tighten around my waist holding me back as the ax grew louder with each swing. The hole was getting wider. I knew I didn’t have enough time as I tried to push the window open, but it refused to open. The ax kept chopping until I could see my parent’s eyes and they were very, very, angry. I screamed again. “Get out! Get out or I will kill you!” Squeezing my brother tighter, closing my eyes as tight as I could, screaming. “Please don’t be real! Please don’t be real!”

I felt my brother being torn away from me and when I opened my eyes I could see my father beating him. The ax was in my mother’s hands. My father laughed as the belt kept swing in its rhythm timed with Aaron's screams.

My mother’s cruel, hateful eyes as they stared back at me with the ax in her hand covered with Aaron’s blood. Telling me I would never be safe ever again. The ax rose while I watched it fall cutting Aaron to pieces. I cried “No! No!” Holding my brother’s lifeless head tight to my chest, I screamed. “Oh please God! Please tell me this isn’t real!”

I felt warm bloody arms holding me as I watched my father and Mother taking turns cutting my brother into smaller pieces. I knew I was next. My father and mother were covered in his blood. He laughed as he licked the blood off the ax. “You will never be safe, instead you be dead like your brother,” I screamed as they lunged towards me.

I heard Shane screaming as it overrode my terror. “Tiger, it’s not real! Do you hear me, Tiger? It’s not real! Come on Tiger say it with me. It’s not real!” I repeated “It’s not real, it’s not real! Feeling Shane’s arms as he held me against him letting the nightmare vanish. I breathed deeper taking in his scent that I know as well as the back of my hand. I repeated over and over as I cried into his chest. I opened my eyes feeling his soft skin tickle my nose. I quickly put my arms around his waist repeating our safe words.

I gave up sleeping as I laid in his arms watching the sky as it turned to dawn. I breathed softly listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat. When I was calm I cried again with joy knowing I had lived another night. Watching the sun rays peeked through the window. When I was absolutely sure I was safe I snuggled closer, letting Shane wrap in his arms tight around me. I fell asleep knowing I was safe.

Shane and I learned a lesson that night, he would end up in my bed or I would end up in his with Kerry on the other side of me. The most important word was my nickname, Tiger. For it is the one name my parent’s nor my grandmother even know. That name is what breaks the strangest dream. It is my strongest safe word. It is the name I had earned not the one given to me. Even though I sometimes go by EJ or Eric; but Tiger is the name that fits me well.

Dad did his best not to wake me and Shane as he woke Kerry so she could get ready to go to school. I opened my eyes seeing my blood across Dads chest. Dad smiled telling me “Go back to sleep Tiger.” I closed my eyes and snuggle close to Shane as he wrapped his arms around me listening to the door close. I tuned out the outside world around me and slept until the early hours of the morning; safe and secure next to my brother Shane, while I listened to the relaxing rhythm of his heartbeat and his warm breath against me.

It was little after nine before Mom woke us; the house was quiet since everyone else had gone to school. Dad had taken everyone while we slept after another hard night telling us there was no reason why we couldn’t sleep in, we had earned it. I could see Shawn scrubbing the kitchen floor dressed in shorts and boxers that just peeked out from the waist. He scowled angrily at me seeing Shane holding me in his arms growled the word f*g-it. Mom growled. “We don’t use words like that in this house you hear me, Shawn. Especially when they are not true, now either go to your room or keep your mouth shut or I will make damn sure you won’t sit down for a week.”

Shawn said it again. Mom turned around and chased him down the hall grabbing a wooden spoon from the kitchen. I heard the bedroom door close then there was silence. I hugged Shane even tighter. Shane held me as my breathing quickened. I screamed as saw my mother come towards me covered in blood with the ax in her hand. I repeated my safe words hoping to break the spell of terror. “Not real! Not real!” But she came closer. Shane gripped me turning my head so I could see his eyes holding me and said; “Tiger breathe, come on breathe,” I tried to run and break free. At last, I wiggled free screaming “Not real! Not real!”

But she came closer I ran to the door trying to yank it open as she came closer swing the axes as it made whooshing sound laughing. “Come here boy, its time to die.”

Shane grabbed me holding me down Indian style wrapping his long legs around my legs and locking me in place. I screamed in terror seeing my mother face shift to Moms' face and back again as I watched the ax swing towards me. I screamed. Over and over, “it’s not real! It’s not real!” Something stung my cheeks as I placed my hand over it. Then I felt the other side sting again as my head turned on its own accord. My mother's face wouldn’t stop shifting as the ax embedded in the wall.

I could see the hate in her eyes as she grabbed me by the chin making me look into her eyes. She hit me again, again; as my head bounced side to side. Screaming back at me; “It’s not real! It’s not real! Tiger, it’s not real! Breathe… Again breathe… And again… breathe. Repeat, it’s not real, I am safe. I am not her, Tiger you hear me? She is not real!”

I breathed and repeated. “She is not real,” taking slower breaths letting my body relax I closed my eyes, breathing slow and deeper. “She is not real, I am safe, I am safe.”

I slowly calmed myself, timing my breaths with his; breathing slowly and calmly; repeating over and over my safe words. When I was calm, I slowly opened my eyes. I could see Mom not my mother as her phantom was gone. I could see tears in her eyes as I leaped into arms letting her hold me. Shane breathed with relief saying. “It’s getting harder and harder Mom.”

Mom nods her head said; “I calling that Doctor, and going to see him if I have to break down that door.” Mom hugged me asking me if I am alright. I nodded Mom wiping my tears away. Feeling my forehead and my cheeks, asking Shane if he wouldn’t mind running the tub for her, asking me if I trusted her.

I nodded and said. “Hell of a lot more than my parents.” Mom hugged me again as we walked down to the tub. I only stopped and hesitated for a minute as I looked her in the eyes. She smiled and I knew I would be alright.

Mom bathed me. I told her I was sorry for getting blood all over her clothes. Mom said. “I didn’t like this anyway it makes me look old.” It made me smile as I turned around hugged her; she hugged me back and kissed my cheek, said. “How do feel about making some more double chocolate chip cookies?”

I smiled. “Can we make oatmeal raisin instead?”

Mom laughed. “Of course we can Tiger, and a large pitcher of lemonade.”

I hugged her said. “I love you, Mom,” and cried into her shoulders. It shocked me the second I said those words for the very first time.

Mom hugged me tighter said. “I love you to Tiger.” Dad opened the door seeing us both crying into each other's arms. It didn’t bother me that I was still naked as I leaped into his arms. Put my arms around him and told him I loved him.

He hugged me and as his voice shook said. “I love you to Tiger.”

Mom dressed me and sent me on my too go join Shane at the breakfast table. Shawn was in the family room washing the walls stripped bare with several new marks on his butt. Dad took a seat in the chair in the dining room telling Shawn he just earned another month and week bareback as promised, and when he was done in there he could wash both cars. Took out his newspaper and smiled as he watched him pale. Waiting for Mom to save him, instead, Mom said. “And the outside windows could use a good washing.” Mom picked up the phone calling the psychologist said. “Either you see my son today or I will come down there and drag you here. Your choice, fine, see you at noon,” slamming down the phone.