Moonstruck

A short story based on a young woman falling into the spiritual world where she meets a horrifying creature that could bring an end to her very existence.

 

Looking back, I can never truly understand what possibly possessed me to venture out that dark, incredible night. There had been no feeling of anticipation, no hint that something spectacular was about to happen and yet, consumed with boredom and wanting to escape the drawling of my parents, I made to slip outside and sit on the porch.

            “Nessa, ‘my father called to me from the kitchen. Turning with irritation I fixed upon my face the boldest and brightest smile I could manage, “where are you going young lady?”

            “Just stepping outside for some air Dad.” I answered.

    My father looked me over disapprovingly, “what about your College work?”

            “It’s finished, ‘I lied and seeing the disbelief glinting in his eyes I added, “you can check if you don’t believe me.”

    Before my father could say anymore I darted outside, the door clattering shut behind me. Feeling the instant chill of the night I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to warm up. The air was still. No wind whistled between the trees or howled along the hillside, the entire world was cloaked with shadows, hidden under the intimidating blackness of the night. I glanced up to the heavens, glad to be free of my parents if only for a short time, and gasped with delight at the sight before me.

    The night sky was astoundingly beautiful. The Moon sat perched between a protective gathering of grey clouds, looking proud with its silver aura and its glorious twinkling beam. In that instant, I loved the Moon, with her striking rounded face and I questioned how anyone could ever proclaim there to be a man in the moon. It was foolish; such loveliness could only be that of a woman. Amongst it in alluring groups were the stars, appearing as if they had been splashed across the universe like the precious teardrops of the world, standing lavishly for all those who’d ever felt pain or anger. I imagined the Moon to be a powerful Empress, the strongest in the entire world, ruler of all, and the star’s to be her loyal soldiers, her army of beauty.

    It was the stilled silence that woke me from my marvelling reverie and shocked me back to reality. I looked around, my vision blurred as I blinked away the icy wetness in my eyes.

    Hesitant, though looking back I have no idea why, I descended the rickety porch and stepped across the damp grass, listening intently to the sounds of the world around me. I glanced up to the heavens once more, my gaze catching the beaming moon and as I took another breath a strange, heavy feeling entered my chest and weighed down upon my heart. I struggled to steady myself, wincing as a pain I’d never experienced before and never wanted to experience again burned through my entire body like an untamed fire of hell. I felt as though I might die with the pain. Consumed by such agony, I collapsed to the ground, twitching and jolting as if in some sort of seizure. My eyes rolled back into my head, my teeth chattered and every muscle in my body tightened unevenly. I bit down on my tongue; tasting blood and feeling it gargle in my mouth and drip warmly down my burning throat. My thoughts were jumbled, confused and then, I heard it, a great unearthly rip like a beings very heart being torn from its body. I shrieked...

    ...The air was so bitterly cold, like the sun had never existed and it clung to me like a thousand murderous daggers, piercing my skin violently. I surveyed my surroundings, what I could see at least for I was immersed in a deep, threatening mist. I was not in the sanctuary of my garden home, lost to the world, I did not feel safe. Groaning in my stomach, an eerie sensation warned me that I was not alone. Like a hunted animal, trusting only my instincts, I spun and turned swiftly, here and there, my doe like eyes searching frantically for something, anything!

    A soft breeze circulated me like the gentlest whisper on the wind; I turned towards it, following its tantalizing texture and was met by a startling sight that sent my blood curdling with a terror I’d never known before. Standing opposite me like a mirror image was the very picture of myself. It was like a clone, a doppelganger, smiling or rather grinning back. My heart shuddered. I could not grasp the image of the strange thing standing in my presence. My thoughts were wild, reaching and clawing for some kind of explanation. A mass of blurred answers were all I was offered and I could not make sense of them, was it me? Maybe I wasn’t me? I was confused, the thoughts made me sick. Slowly, hesitantly I reached forward to touch the bewildering creature. My fingers reached the things shoulder and I jerked back in surprise. Motionless, we stared into the opposites eyes…It lunged towards me with a rage that seemingly could end my world. Eyes narrowed, fixed and blaring, it continued to grip me with a sardonic pleasure. They spoke to me in an unspeakable terror and horror, stealing the very breath from within my body…

    …I woke with a great heaving gasp. I was safe again but the darkness was still turning and weaving around me. I swallowed huge gulps of air, frantically staring all the while my heart rate increasing until its crescendo was almost loud and painful. When I was sure I was in no danger and alone I collapsed back to the ground, relishing the feel of the cold grass against my clothes and on my skin. I tried not to think about my other but she was there inside my head, haunting me. I shook the thoughts away and opened my eyes, looking to the heavens for solace only to be met with a bewildering sight. My beautiful moon with her silver aura was gone and with her she had taken her army of stars...I frowned. It was a cloudless night. There was no sign of the moon!

   

Author's Note

This was written for my English Coursework. I had a 'B' but my teacher still wasn't very pleased with it. Please give me some good strong, constructive criticism. Please, I'd like to know if I have any talent in fantasy writing.

Reviews

[L0v3craft]

Perhaps your teacher wasn't pleased with this because it ended so shortly!
At least that's why I'm disappointed, lol

I really enjoyed reading this though before it ended so abruptly. Your details were beautifully vivid and somewhat poetic. However, I really feel that the storyline is a bit underdone; perhaps you should do some more brainstorming--try adding new ideas to develop a stronger storyline, like go into more detail about what just happened to your protagonist having a "face-off" with herself. You really have something good going on here, but it still needs work!

To me it seems like you were rushing with this, so think of it as some sort of draft/skeleton for the official piece. Explain the strange connection your character has with the moon since it felt like you were really trying to reveal some sort of significance by providing details of its mysterious beauty leaving a powerful impact on her.

Not to mention, your ending leaves plenty of space to play around with ideas; you could go on writing about why the moon is suddenly gone.

All in all, I really did enjoy this, but feel that you could make this piece better by continuing the story! Never leave a reader thinking, "Well, what the hell just happened?" and not explain it! In fact, you could say this is a bit of a "hook" if you expand it because now your readers want to know what's going to happen next and read on to find out.

And damn it, I'm now one of those readers, so get busy!
lol

I hope this was constructive enough--if I seemed a bit harsh, I'm sorry! I have no intention of offending anyone!

[Twilight]

I liked the protagonist's confusion and soul-searching, towards the end of this story. It reminded me of a teenager, feeling confused or undecided about her view of reality. Your references to the moon, have been used in writing before. Even so, you have done this in an original way. I liked your idea of an army of soldiers stars, and seeing the moon as a powerful "empress". Surely not, some kind of feminist statement, Sianna? Seriously though, it was clever and subtle of you to introduce this idea.

I wouldn't take much notice of your teacher's opinions about this nice story, Sianna. You do have some talent for fantasy writing, I believe. Clearly, you have included some eloquent imagery and metaphors. Indeed, some of this may have "gone over the head" of your teacher, so to speak! Indeed, he or she may be somewhat lacking in imagination?

The idea of your garden as a "sanctuary", was also nice to read. Clearly, the protagonist has a genuine love for her home, garden and what it represents! As Paranoidschizoangel suggests, more plot detail acould have been added? Also, she was probably right to suggest, that you should have explained the connection between your protagonist and the moon. Overall, a very nice piece of writing!