Too Naive

I remember the days

When it was just you and me.

The days when we laughed together,

When we shared every second in the arms of

Each other,

And every thought of mine

Was linked to yours.

 

The way our fingers intertwined

Was the same way

Our destinies were;

Yours in mine,

And mine in yours.

 

Then one day you just

Disappeared.

You left without a goodbye,

And with me lying broken

In that patch of grass

Beneath the old apple tree

That we spent

Countless memories in.

 

I thought that we were forever,

And that you meant it when you said

You loved me.

But I was just

All too naïve.

 

 

Author's Note

I'm not really sure about this, but I just couldn't let it go, so here it is. Critiques would be much appreciated.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Words seem to lose value when spoken in not in truth. A very good poem. Started with hope and happiness. Ended with sadness. You are not naive. People who open their heart for real will find happiness one day. I like the ending. You create a outstanding poem.
Coyote

[Invisible Ink]

You reviewed my poem, so you know I am writing motherhood poems right now. This seemed really sweet as a parent/child poem, which made it more unique, rather than a boy/girl poem, which there are countless of. Just a thought.
It has some good strong lines and images... if you honed and expanded those and dropped some of the weaker ones... these are the ones that touched me...
these last two lines of the first stanza...
And every thought of mine
Was linked to yours. sooooo, what is this like? can you describe it more?

This second stanza is great! you might develop it more, use more description...
The way our fingers intertwined
Was the same way
Our destinies were;
Yours in mine,
And mine in yours.

this image is fantastic!! this is the strength of the whole poem!! can you do this throughout your poem? this is what shows me you are really a poet!
In that patch of grass
Beneath the old apple tree
That we spent
Countless memories in.

this last stanza is really weak and disappointing after what has come before it... I would get rid of it and think back to those images... the hand & apple tree are images we can see that symbolize this love... what images can you find that SHOWS us how it feels to be left? show us, don't tell... if you can do this, this poem will be great! I can't review a poem unless there is something great there to begin with, so it is a compliment that I had so much to say! I believe a poem is never finished... I hope you keep working on this and I would love to see what you do!
I thought that we were forever,
And that you meant it when you said
You loved me.
But I was just
All too naïve.

[Dalebear]

This is a sweet and lovely poem

[Alicia Schroeder]

this is sweet and innocent, a beautiful worded poem.

[lauren emily]

This is an awesome write. I personally think that it's great just the way it is. Maybe it's because I'm kind of in this situation right now and so I can relate to it really well..*shrug*
But anyway, great write. I can't wait to read more of your work :)
~Lauren

[Hannah]

I like it maybe it could use more description??Just a thought. Maybe I am biased because of my current situation but I kinda like it, could probably use some work though.