My Story

A Story by Silas

It started small, when I was young I was happy and cheerful. I was like every other kid, but when my 4th birthday came around I said goodbye to that life. My aunt Cherri died of breast cancer as well as my best friend Kiche. My parents thought I didn't understand what death was so when my favorite animal at the zoo had died they tried to avoid that area, I convinced them eventually to take me to Jewel's habitat. When I saw that my hippo wasn't there I knew she was dead and asked my parents they nodded their heads yes and thus ended our weekly trips to the zoo. I started to grow violent, and would often take my anger out on my little sister. I would hit her and push her, and if she didn't do what I told her to do i would grab her wrists and squeeze until her little hands turned purple. Then one day when we were arguing I threw her. Her head hit the edge of the office desk and I saw blood. I panicked realizing what I'd done, I ran for my parents and told them what I did, and then I ran to my room and hid in the corner. I cried for hours, filling myself with hatred for my own dirty hands. I stopped hurting others but I started something else. I normally leave this part of my life out when people ask because it's so embarrassing, but I will tell you all. I was in 3rd grade when I started looking at porn. Any kind. Anime, girl on girl, boy on girl, I didn't really care. I was hooked. I needed it morning and night with no end. No one knew about my addiction and I was fine with it. Around 6th grade I stopped, I don't know why but I just didn't care for it anymore. Without a distraction I started picking at my arms, I was fascinated with the blood, and my violence came back. Except this time aimed at myself. I did my best to be nice to others and people started thinking I was a nice person. Then 7th grade came around. My parents shut me out and focused on my sister instead, buying her everything she needed even though our money was getting smaller and smaller. So I turned to boys... I thought it was ok, everyone said I need to be happy, so I did whatever I needed to do to make myself happy. I started showing myself off wearing tight, revealing clothes, and the guys loved it. They would want pictures and shows and I would give them whatever they wanted as long as they gave me attention. Then I started getting bullied by this b***h named Maggie. She was mega popular and she set all of her popular crew on me. It's funny. She doesn't look popular, and her voice makes babies cry, I guess its just how bossy she is that put her in charge. Anyways I had her in every class so there was no end to her harassment. They weren't bulling me for doing what I was doing with the boys, they were doing it because they thought I was from Canada and that I sneezed on them on the first day of school. She and her crew were a real pain in my a*s and they started ripping up my binders, throwing away my homework, stealing my P.E. clothes, slamming me into lockers, throwing stuff at me and class. It didn't end. And I had no friends to back me up. As you can probably guess I was even more desperate for attention with all of the bullying, and lack of friendship or family. So I did more stuff for them, then one day I got caught. My mom called the police on me and we went to the station the next day. I confessed to everything having already been caught. Now my parents were paying attention but it wasn't a good thing. I stopped talking to people, I mostly just hid in my room and listened to music every day after school. Then one day after first block I left my bag behind a wall and started walking. I didn't know where I wanted to go, I just needed to get out of there. I got about a mile away from school before a police officer saw me and pulled me over. He asked where I was going and I told him I was going home. He asked why and I told him I was sick, which was true, but I was ill in the mind. Not the body. I started to walk away and he started shouting at me and he ended up taking me back to school. Back at school everyone was staring at me as I had to sit down in the drugie room. They checked my arms, legs and back for cuts, but I didn't have any at the time. They called my parents and of course they were in raged. They picked me up from school and I stayed home for a few days. My parents decided to start taking me to therapy. I was diagnosed with severe depression and that was that. Soon the year was over and over summer I healed. Spending my days with my sister playing in the backyard. By the time 8th grade person I was a different person, but not quite a better person. Within a couple weeks of school I asked out Sam at a death metal concert she took me to. She said yes, but it was probably one of my worse decisions of my 8th grade year. I was so head over heels for this girl, and so incredibly horny around her that I was absolutely destroyed when she dumped me after a month. I got really depressed, more than before, but now I was introduced into the world of self harm. I started picking at my arms, using my fingernails as a shovel of sorts to dig into my skin. I would keep digging deeper and deeper until I was numb inside and couldn't go deeper. I had friends and my family was there for me too. But I wasn't there. I was quickly loosing my sanity and I couldn't talk to anyone. I started to hear things that weren't there, I would get extreamly paranoid for weeks at a time. I told myself that no one wanted to be around me and that everyone hated me and then that turned into a little voice in my head that ruined my self esteem and trust in anyone. I returned to therapy but it didn't help much. I couldn't get better until I could let go of Sam. And so I did. Every night in bed I told myself that she was wrong and she was bad, that she hurt me and I shouldn't waste time on her. It took about a week before I started noticing other girls. I was still extreamly depressed but I was making an effort to talk to people and to stop hiding. My birthday came and past, and then a month later during presidents week I cut off all my hair and started cross dressing. I posted a picture on Facebook and the girl I had been crushing on commented on it that I was cute and adorable and how much she liked it. I talked to a couple friends about what I was thinking to make sure it wasn't completely crazy. I didn't even know if she was into girls. And on March 27th I asked her. She said yes. My life changed the second she said yes. I was filled with such utter joy and happiness I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. But that didn't last long it was a month before she dumped me. My happiest days were over and it was because we had let others get involved. In the weeks that past she dated a guy and I started cutting with a knife. I thought she was over me and I was still trying to understand why I couldn't be happy. I cried everyday I was in class with her. And Sam comforted me, which just made me more upset and confused. By the time April ended her and her boyfriend were threw. And she started flirting with me, but so did Sam, then they both told me they liked me. I didn't know what to do, never having been in a situation like this. I waited for a while before I decided. On May 7th me and Morgan were texting and she told me how much fun she had had with me at lunch and that it had been the happiest day in a long time, and then she confessed that she was going to ask me out that day and I told her I had been wanting to ask her too, but wasn't sure. The next day I asked her back and she said yes. We hugged and kissed and we spun in circles and I was happy again. We have been together since then and we are going strong. We have had ups and downs, but we survived. I love her so much. She means the world to me. And She changed my looks on life. I used to think everything was bad that everyone hated me and that I can't trust any one. But she showed me that there is love and kindness in the world, not just hatred and darkness. I am blessed to have her and to be able to see both the light and dark of everything. Next subject. I started high school, at Del Oro High, and she went to San Juan High. I didn't have any friends here, or even know people. Everyone was so preppy and rich it made me want to puke. But I found some friends, Cameron, Jack, Mason, Nick, Courtney, and Sophie. Now it is Sophmore year, me and Morgan broke up for a multitude of reasons. And I've actually begun to have feelings for a boy. I have never actually liked a boy and it scares me a bit. Me and him have actually gone far together, on accident. He is my best friend though so I am really unsure weather to pursue the relationship or leave things as is. Anywho, I still have huge up and downs in my depression, I try my best to not cut. I started burning myself and engraving myself with a needle a while ago, but I stopped. I'm not as suicidal as I used to be but it still happens. I'm shy, and awkward, I suck at drama although everyone thinks I can do it. I suck at intended comedy but apparently when I don't try I'm really funny. I dread swimming because I choke up and start to panic. I also suffer from undiagnosed paranoia. I love to write, but it makes me depressed so I don't really know what to do there. I listen to death metal and screamo. And I have a kind of different style, I like dark clothes and plaid shirts, I like to dress fancy on Fridays with my friends. I have short spikey hair and it's really awesome. I dye my hair a lot too. I have a nose ring, my cartaliage, and the lobe of my ear. I want a bit more though :) I will continue to update this as seems fit. Ask any questions you have I won't lie.

© 2013 Silas

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Reviews

The Nude Writer

Wow.. a very powerful story, and told in such a rapid way.. felt very out of control.
Thanks for being so true.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

11 Years Ago

My apologies, I tend to skip to the next topic when I talk about my past. I'm not quite done though,.. read more

Trigorin

You have a good story here and there's a great deal of room to expand, but at present, I don't really feel this is suited for much of anything. There's not really any characterization or any real reason for the reader to care at all, and that's never a good thing. I'd consider either making this part of a larger piece or expanding on this a great deal more.