The Destruction Of Paradise

Bloodstain on the white dress

of innocent old me. 

Havoc's hell, and in the flames

I'll burn eternally.

The blade is sharp, but not enough

to cut away the guilt.

I burnt down every wall

and every bridge I ever built.

Come, watch the towers crumble, 

surrounded by the night.

I stand by and break down as

the pieces of me fight.

I can never win this battle

as the mirror cracks in two;

I'm stronger now, yet weaker,

all because of You.

 

You made me who I am

and yet it pains me to see

That all I am is not enough

But I just can't set You free.

I'm just a walking shadow, 

that song that no ones hears.

I deafened You with pain and anger, 

drowned You in my tears.

I'm the product of my parent's mistakes,

their nightmares, their fears.

And when my final words are breathed, 

they'll fall upon deaf ears.

But I'm to blame, I know that I alone

must face the guilt;

'Cause I burnt down every wall 

and every bridge I ever built.

Author's Note

I wrote this one a while back, it was the first real poem I ever wrote...
Reviews and constructive criticism are muchly appreciated (: ♥

Reviews

[Ben Taylor]

This was the first poem you ever wrote? This is really excellent..
"The blade is sharp, but not enough
to cut away the guilt."
This is your debut effort?? Holy crap. I can almost literally feel the emotion while reading this; it's beautiful.
I cannot fully determine what this poem is about, but the ambiguity makes it applicable to multiple situations.
The rhyming, as well, is wonderfully done; I barely even noticed it the first time I read this, which is how it should be. It simply made the poem flow more smoothly, and did not detract from the poem at all.
This is SO much better than my early stuff :)

[iamkim]

wow! very nice. i love the way you played with your words here. Great job!

[Neva Flores Smith - Cha..]

Excellent dark piece!

[Different Wings]

I like it- good choice of word and metaphor- particularly the first two and last stanzas. I also like that in between those is a more literal edge, which gives the reader a look into what's actually happening. I feel as though there could be a bit more before the last stanza, though- it wraps it up okay, but I feel as though I was waiting for something a bit more. Of course, this could be the feeling you were going for. A few lines, like the 'walking shadow' one, really stick out. It works that it rhymes, but there are times when the flow is lost and I have to repeat the line because the pattern isn't clear. all in all very good- impressive first poem!