Attitude Stars Dilute

Tobacco soul,

You should see my heart...

But I wasn't always this way,

You should've seen me from the start...

Blackened to the hole

Like the sadness of an

Empty cereal bowl.

Pitch dark,

Stuck on a pitchfork.

I needed a spoon when I

Reached for the sky,

But I was handed

A cratered moon.

That's my Wiffle-ball

Of a heart...

I was disciplined

Before I had a chance

To speak with you.

I Sin in stark-

And that's Sincere.

Cancerous Capricorn,

You should see her horns.

So let's venture-

To the stars...

My Starkiller*

Be careful,

Because here,

There is no start...

Just our end,

So just stay there.

Right where I can stare.

Right where?

Right where your mind is bare.

Right where?

Right where you don't care.

Right where..?

Reviews

[Nicole Laszlo]

The imagery was brilliant and at some points, perhaps, over my head? "Tobacco soul"? Addictive soul? It's all I can imagine. It speaks to me of a very early pain and in turn an appreciation for what is raw. The ending was unique and really complimented the entire thing well. Good job, Mr. Sincerity ;)

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Nicole, I wrote tobacco soul as to say how black it is, but an addictive one can fit just as well.

[PaintedBirdy]

i love the imagery in this poem. 'the sadness of an empty cereal bowl.' that's perfect. haha. this one, and a couple others you have, seem like they would be amazing as spoken word. please let me know if you ever post audio files of these online somewhere. good stuff, my friend.

[sinNsincerity]

I thought it would be an awesome metaphor that has never been used before...
There's something about spoken word that spooks me if I were to do. A lot of people try get me to do so, but I'm honestly not up for that. At least yet.. Maybe one day.

[EssenceofDaringx]

I love this. So much angst and regret. It covers the bases of a painful love nicely.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you, I'm glad that you did!

[Lola_Bee]

Intense and deep, I love the raw honesty of the piece and also the way it unfolds. Lovely your use of words, great one indeed!

[sinNsincerity]

I have to be brutally honest, or else, what's the point...
Thank you Lola!

[θεά]

This is powerful piece of writing! The effective use of metaphors in the first half, gradually blending into a plethora of sub-themes is brilliantly done. I like the tacit reference to existentialism in your work, and I will certainly come back for re-reads.

Good job,
Best,
M.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you for thinking so Mallika, I'm getting there, but I still feel that I need to work and study way more to get my writing where I want it to be. And that is timeless...
-David

[ranscan]

This reaches to many themes and mythologies, the imagery jumps are a little disorientating, yet its still part of the fun of the ride.
All in all a strong piece, though I will suggest the ending leaves this work a bit unresolved.
I do have to ask if you would please the line "I Sin in stark-" what does it reference?

[sinNsincerity]

I'm the appearance of sin; a silhouette, but that's what you see when you judge me. When you actually take to get to know me, you'll find out that I'm much, much, much more...

[raven]

you never fail to enchant me with your words. amazing work.

[sinNsincerity]

I highly appreciate that Rea. You're the best!

[Ruth]

Very well articulated. You take the reader through the transformation and give some whys, metaphorically speaking...you make the harsh seem bearable in poetry somehow :)

[sinNsincerity]

My pleasure Ruth; I do my best to capture the madness for you guys.

[Quinn W]

I love how you added the part with your account name. Definitely some of my favorite lines!

[sinNsincerity]

Hehe, Thanks Quinn! I try to sneak it in there ever so often...
I acknowledge I was born with and in sin, but I am very sincere in my actions.
All love!

[GalaxyGhost]

I don't know what to say other than this is quite a beautiful set of words that has a sort of Darkness to it yet beauty to it.

[sinNsincerity]

Just a small glimpse of a small piece of me. ;D

[Fahmida Mehreen]

"I needed a spoon when I
Reached for the sky,
But I was handed
A cratered moon.
That's my Wiffle-ball
Of a heart..."

I loved the entire poem but these lines are my favorite. Drawn like a masterpiece. Amazing. And, as I may have asked before, with your due permission I may wish to quote it sometime with accreditation.
Totally carried away by this.

[sinNsincerity]

Thank you Fahmida, it would be my pleasure for you to quote my words!
-David Barajas Jr
And to think I was not going to include those lines, but decided to follow my gut and include them last minute... hehe
One love!