I enjoy your poem for it has an essence I like, a pure dark and dark pure essence, that paints a harmonious contrast between two (metaphorically) different persons that are, in reality, the same. Further, it typifies the darkened vision of someone's opinion on love, an inner voice. That inner voice is an echo of desperation and adust remains, blaming the one who stole the heart (center of love) getting cursed by it, falling in love too. As a spectral reflection, the one who stole reflected the bitter vices of the heart, trying to curse its owner, where we can see how the former owner was affected by this center of love. The inner voice tells that it has been through the new owner's thoughts, knowing the divine disaster, understanding. A glimpse. The inner voice keeps lying about the worthy elements the heart has, hypnotizing the new owner, letting him/her believe in the chalky power of love.
In short, the poesy summarizes the displeasures of love, its chains, its locks, desperation and a cosmic divinity that controls the edges of the mentioned sensations.
I urge you to invent your own words for when you want to describe something and don't know how (it is poetry, you can simply juggle with those figures of speech). For example, " dancing lies", "dancing" is a very used adjective in poetry. I'm not telling you that it isn't good or that you shouldn't use it, but I would love to see writers inventing their own language, their own way to express the soul.
About grammar mistakes:
"And that's devine."--->" And that's divine."
Concluding, the idea of the poem is well-expressed, the title is well-chosen and it is melodious. As one more advice, I propose you to use a more poetic language, poetic words, for it will soak the poesy in a perfect disaster of meaning and art.
I was really glad to read your poem and I hope you didn't take anything I said personal because my opinion is humble. Until next time...Farewell!
Posted 6 Years Ago
3 of 3 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
No offense taken, I always welcome opinions and different points of views. That's how we learn, and .. read moreNo offense taken, I always welcome opinions and different points of views. That's how we learn, and I'm still learning. But I did intend for this poem to be straight forward in it's language. I'm very well versed in using figurative language and metaphors, but I did write this to be a straight shooter. If you would love to read me being more playful with language and being more expressive or more poetic, I would refer you to these poems of mine:
My Crow
Vdara
Zoems
Wonder Lust
Ten Seconds...
Supermarket Heart
Never Gonna Tell a Soul
Eardrum
Fallen in Autumn
Writers's Cafe'
Island Bonfire
Eye of W***e-Us VS Osiris
Glory
UnModern Art
Forget My Face
Rain of My Lord
Check it Out- Hear Me Out- Check Out
Rum is for Drinking not Burning
Bankrupt
Attitude Stars Dilute
Gothic Love Spit
(My 6 to My 9) ONE
3 = 1 for Me
A Tossed Love Potion
Bacon
Coalesce
Cosmic Romantics
Eros
Dandelions
deifitroM
Deleted Scenes
Drive in Theatre
Give Me a Hour
Goldilocks
Happiness is...
Hershey's Kiss and Bliss
Hey You!
Hold Your Ticket
Hopeless Romantic
How Bad is Bad?
Learning Curve
Life or Death???
Love Handles
Make a Wish
Marsh-Mellowed Moans
Mental Tattoos
Morning Delight
Much More
My Cent-Say
My Dream
My Eyes
Ninth Grade
Oh How I Wonder
Phantoms
Quasimodo
Quite Acquainted
Queen of Gotham
Shape Shifted
Sincerity
This Time
The Day Ends as it Began
The Dead Zone
The Haunted Consciousness
The Ms. who Missed Mr. Mystery
The Unmade Bed
There is no Perfect One
Untittled
Vacancy
Whiplash
Who's this?
Wishful Truth
You Took the Time
I liked the poem. Honest words and description. I did like the logical ending.
"so
Don't touch and torture
Me with dancing lies"
Thank you my friend for sharing the amazing words and thoughts.
Coyote
There's definitely a vivid conflict at play here.. not just between two who have loved and lost but another conflict that the speaker has within an inner monologue.. fighting to be strong enough to walk away from this toxic and disappointing end of a relationship. The lure of being still bound to them and to respond to them is still there, but it is clear that this person wreaked havoc on your heart, and trying to gain strength in the reality of their toxicity to you is the message I read.. being tempted by those "dancing lies" says it all.. they seduce you and make you think lovely things but you know what's behind them because you've been down this path before...
The content and conflict within are wonderful.. I would just like to feel perhaps a little more fluidity in the cadence and perhaps some even punchier action and descriptive words. The pain is felt, but word choice and rhythm could take this to an even higher level. Well done though!! Thanks so much for sharing!!
I enjoy your poem for it has an essence I like, a pure dark and dark pure essence, that paints a harmonious contrast between two (metaphorically) different persons that are, in reality, the same. Further, it typifies the darkened vision of someone's opinion on love, an inner voice. That inner voice is an echo of desperation and adust remains, blaming the one who stole the heart (center of love) getting cursed by it, falling in love too. As a spectral reflection, the one who stole reflected the bitter vices of the heart, trying to curse its owner, where we can see how the former owner was affected by this center of love. The inner voice tells that it has been through the new owner's thoughts, knowing the divine disaster, understanding. A glimpse. The inner voice keeps lying about the worthy elements the heart has, hypnotizing the new owner, letting him/her believe in the chalky power of love.
In short, the poesy summarizes the displeasures of love, its chains, its locks, desperation and a cosmic divinity that controls the edges of the mentioned sensations.
I urge you to invent your own words for when you want to describe something and don't know how (it is poetry, you can simply juggle with those figures of speech). For example, " dancing lies", "dancing" is a very used adjective in poetry. I'm not telling you that it isn't good or that you shouldn't use it, but I would love to see writers inventing their own language, their own way to express the soul.
About grammar mistakes:
"And that's devine."--->" And that's divine."
Concluding, the idea of the poem is well-expressed, the title is well-chosen and it is melodious. As one more advice, I propose you to use a more poetic language, poetic words, for it will soak the poesy in a perfect disaster of meaning and art.
I was really glad to read your poem and I hope you didn't take anything I said personal because my opinion is humble. Until next time...Farewell!
Posted 6 Years Ago
3 of 3 people found this review constructive.
6 Years Ago
No offense taken, I always welcome opinions and different points of views. That's how we learn, and .. read moreNo offense taken, I always welcome opinions and different points of views. That's how we learn, and I'm still learning. But I did intend for this poem to be straight forward in it's language. I'm very well versed in using figurative language and metaphors, but I did write this to be a straight shooter. If you would love to read me being more playful with language and being more expressive or more poetic, I would refer you to these poems of mine:
My Crow
Vdara
Zoems
Wonder Lust
Ten Seconds...
Supermarket Heart
Never Gonna Tell a Soul
Eardrum
Fallen in Autumn
Writers's Cafe'
Island Bonfire
Eye of W***e-Us VS Osiris
Glory
UnModern Art
Forget My Face
Rain of My Lord
Check it Out- Hear Me Out- Check Out
Rum is for Drinking not Burning
Bankrupt
Attitude Stars Dilute
Gothic Love Spit
(My 6 to My 9) ONE
3 = 1 for Me
A Tossed Love Potion
Bacon
Coalesce
Cosmic Romantics
Eros
Dandelions
deifitroM
Deleted Scenes
Drive in Theatre
Give Me a Hour
Goldilocks
Happiness is...
Hershey's Kiss and Bliss
Hey You!
Hold Your Ticket
Hopeless Romantic
How Bad is Bad?
Learning Curve
Life or Death???
Love Handles
Make a Wish
Marsh-Mellowed Moans
Mental Tattoos
Morning Delight
Much More
My Cent-Say
My Dream
My Eyes
Ninth Grade
Oh How I Wonder
Phantoms
Quasimodo
Quite Acquainted
Queen of Gotham
Shape Shifted
Sincerity
This Time
The Day Ends as it Began
The Dead Zone
The Haunted Consciousness
The Ms. who Missed Mr. Mystery
The Unmade Bed
There is no Perfect One
Untittled
Vacancy
Whiplash
Who's this?
Wishful Truth
You Took the Time
Sometimes things, experiences , people affect and touch us in a way that we take ‘ownership’, of them without knowing them and are blinded by the emotions created within the connection that is formed, thus allowing it to destroy us- we must try love without conditions, some things cannot be - maybe just not right time and place, some things/people come into our lives as a blessing or a lesson.... beautiful🌹
interesting conflicted voice ...not sure that one can achieve any kind of resolution in allowing someone to keep ones heart ... so your poem turns a little dark ... seeking revenge ... by the power of thought .. deepens your speakers pain and agony ..or so it seems to me ...in closing your protagonist does take some control back ...but the hint of the antagonist perhaps coming back to tell more lies is disturbing ... if this were my daughter or a friend...i would say ...clear the guy out ... make a clean break of it and make sure he hears you say GOODBYE! ;) your poem drew me in..held me...and inspired participation so well done says i!
E.
ps. sp? devine in fourth from last line ;)