Mentally Ill

A more personal poem, finally finished!

My name’s ______, I'm male, just turned 21 years old, and I’m mentally ill, about to be killed by the cold people who feed me these pills and hospital sentences likes burgers off a grill

Unwell grew up covered in my own blood, threw up my problems, swelling in the gore of my own mind’s hell, pushed down in the mud like existing’s some kind of crime, as if all poetry has to rhyme

Really I had hoped that I could be of something more, some sort of entourage, an encore, now my brain hurts, I’m hallucinating and my bodies sore

I’ve spent years climbing up a mountain called life and then falling down in the mudslide as other people ride the escalator, not trying to be a hater

But I find myself right back on my behind later, gasping for air, whining as everybody stares in a world that couldn't care less because life isn’t fair and experience isn’t shared so no one can understand each other’s suffering

So if you think I’m chill and can come out of my shell, you cannot smell the hate, the cannibalistic rape in my daily hell

The murder of a happy fate, the dessert of my flesh on mentally well people’s plate

I’ve been the retard, the psycho, less than human, a shadow looming over the playground like I’m dooming your souls in this witch hunt bull 

I’m just unwhole full of self-hate

I cannot create a place that is safe to live in, because endless depression and regression are the only things that I’m given, and reality is shattering as my mind is battering me as people are blathering about how I’m psychotic

But that’s not it, I’m suffering, you got it?

Hearing voices as my choices mock me, monsters stalk me, visions of something better I can never have, leave me mad, scared, the truth is sad which makes me scream shriller as the anger builds, and calmness and power of will are the only things I can face it with

Erasing it from existence with the persistent enlistment of effort and pain, the strain makes me look insane to anyone who doesn’t start brawls with their own brain

The silent killer mental illness is, life has been my tomb and I’ve been buried under the stupid stigma in your head, the lies the normal people said, the mentally ill that are already dead, the police just shoot them in the head

But I’m the bad guy aren’t I lying in my bed, crying, trying to forget the stupid s**t you fed me and the fact that I deserve to die because I’m mental

Beaten up at school even though I’m gentle, made into the fool, treated less like a human more like a tool, it’s always been f*****g cool to put me down like a dog

I’m drowning in psychosis, a mental illness bog, not a log to hold onto, not a lot to bond onto, because it seems they forgot to, realize that I’m not you, but I still don't belong in a zoo, or an asylum, not a f*****g nest for coocoos

I can’t be perfectly happy, it isn’t in my genes, I’m not trying to be sappy, that’s just what my diagnosis means, and when life gets crappy, I feel like the world is laughing

I feel like when I try my very best, all I realize is that I’m less, like I’m not good enough, I know you’d prefer to lay me down to rest, want my death

Don’t think I’m human, all I do is care and love, I live for others, but there isn’t someone watching me up above it isn’t fair, I cannot share because my opinion doesn’t matter, I’m battered by the blame the pain insane just because my brain is wired differently, it’s an epiphany that’s anyone’s still with me, no one will miss me, because b***h please, he’s dangerous I’ll arrange for this b*****d to get slayed it’s just a matter of time

When I raise my hand the teachers only frown, because it sounds he’s thinking, I wonder what that could be about?

All I know is that I don't want that sick b*****d around

He better be bound to be allowed to attend my class

If he looks my way ignore him fast his gaze will pass

Because a rapist killer is all I amount to like everything said and thought about me must immediately be true

To them I’m just a hound, in the social circus I’m a clown, nobody wants me around, king of hospitals a lobotomy crown

My names ______, and I’m mentally ill, but there isn’t a sane person someone crazy like me would ever kill

So I guess I just don’t fit the bill with your idea of a mentally ill patient, I’m patient, but changes don’t happen, and prejudice is ancient, life’s arrangement is that I’m considered dangerous

Beaten regardless, not wanted, haunted, raped in the schools, the hospital, the group homes,  zoning out on the telephone with my parents when I want to be home but I can’t because I’m safer alone, feeling small, not human at all, just crazy, hearts made of stone, sitting tall in my straightjacket throne

I can’t look at the doctors, sit by the window sill mumbling, my life is just crumbling, I’ve gained weight when I walk around in my hospital gown I'm still stumbling, in the grimy washroom mirror, I look unkempt, humbling

Until the other patients are thrilled with the nurse's work, to me they’re all jerks, because when I’m jumped on by them it’s the only purpose my schizophrenic body could have fulfilled

This is simply society’s will

You killed my soul, my freedom you’ve sold, and if I can be so bold, I’ll say that I’ve been told to act like it’s ok, even though you stole my today, keeping me farther away from recovery

Bipolar loner drowning in oceans of emotion downing those pills like sun lotion, riding my feelings like a roller coaster, full of hot steam like locomotions, a loose cannon a loaded gun in the holster, but when the energy’s gone and the shows over, no hope’s there, I get the cold shoulder, choking, drinking alcoholic potions to keep me floating, hopeful, open

Schizophrenia making daytime a nightmare that lasts millennia just giving ya the right amount of fear to f**k with the gears in your head, soon to be dead

OCD that won’t let me f*****g breath leaves me to just to be destroyed by thoughts that I can’t stop the words I can’t believe I’m saying spraying hate like mayhem inside of me a place I can never leave

I’m tired of people treating my mental illness like a cane as if I can’t do stuff other people can do, just because they think I’m insane

I look outside it seems every day it’s going to rain, f**k you humanity, acting like my half a brain don’t know pain, there is no day off, I’m covered in labels like chains I'm heavy, even though beneath the flesh mental ill or not people are the same

So let me at least have that ok?

This is enough for us, knowing inside that some days I’m still a human being even if you won’t say so

This means knowing's my only gain though

I may be ill, but I know what’s happening to me plain, in the end, I may be ill, but I’m still sane

Author's Note

This is what life is for the mentally ill.

I very seldom reply to reviews, but I promise I read EVERY single one. I look forward to my next review because it helps me learn. Even if it's just one word, I promise, I will be ecstatic to have the chance to hear what you have to say. Whenever you write something about my poems, or the themes of my poems, or criticize me it is not in vain. I will listen, learn and be thankful.

Reviews

[...]

Hi thank you for your short story at my contest . For me is always difficult to read something long cause I always forget what I read it on the begging . At begin of story you are not specified which me talk illness have this person at your story. So it for me hard to follow logic what he actually suffer from. But otherwise it's well written in feelings and emotions of somebody who is hospitalized in psychiatric hospital. Sometimes people are tread in very bad way almost in abusive form. I am glad you make that point in your story. Mental I'll people are always victims. Your writing go quiet deep and that's great. Cause can atract more people and they can talk about this issue . Again thank you so much.

[Jackie]

This is touching. And very deep. You have is ability have the viewers sense what you feel or what write. Truely beautiful write

[wordman]

touching and profound write my friend,sometimes we just need to get back into nature

[Victoria Westing Haddix]

WOAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Dude, you have talent!!!!!!!! You have the skills to pay the bills!!!!!!! Please give me some tips????

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

Ok, I'll tell you what I know. Write as much as possible. Even if you can't think of something, still write. The more you do that, the better you get. Second, anything can rhyme. There are words like "inside" and "eye sight" that don't rhyme, but sound like they do. I use this a lot. There are many rhymes for pretty much every word, it's just it will not always be spelled the same way. Even the word orange can rhyme. For instance, do you prefer mayo, "or ranch"? Remember that words all sound similar, and therefore don't need to be spelled the same way to rhyme. Third, write poems about things that matter to you, that your interested in. You'll get a better poem if you do this, and it will keep you interested in writing. Fourth, read your own poem several times over every now and then, you can always improve them. And finally, five, read as much stories and poetry as you can. We learn from others. I wish you a damn good time writing my friend!

[Victoria Westing Haddix]

wow. YOU GAVE ME TIPS!!!!!!! Thank you so much, and I admire your work. Just wanna tell you that. Thank you a great deal. And I sure will spend that " damn good time" writing :-] And, my friend, keep on fighting.
Victoria