Chilling with my Illness

A short poem I wrote quickly, but then came back to and perfected. I hope you enjoy!

Chillin' with my illness

 

I've been sickly and that's the issue

I need more than a tissue

Moods always changing

I feel like a deranged thing

 

I'm deep in psychosis

Like I'm under hypnosis

It makes me feel hopeless

I'm done I'm so over this 

 

I suffer from an illness

That cannot be cured

But all of these pills just

Don’t help with the fear

 

And when I look in the mirror

I feel like I’m fading away

The time ticks onward, my life’s draining away

Tomorrow, next week, next year, today?

 

It no longer matters anyway I’m still stuck in the grey

I’ve been betrayed,  but just by self

My own makeup, my own mental health

The poison, impurities are displayed on the shelf

 

The very words that froth softly from my mouth

The thoughts that shout from the belly of the beast

To come out about my suffering, to shatter hope's belief

The straight jacket covering me, what it feels like to be nothing but broken meat that the madness gladly eats, savagely

 

I’m to blame for this mess

I’m depressed because of myself, sickness licks at my wounds like I'm fish food, I'm slowly being consumed

I have a sinister six, I’m a candle, a wick in a hurricane without rescue, about to go out, scream and shout, cry and pout, empty but full of self-hate

Aflame with the wicked, the pain strikes my head again, and I'm stricken within it, abandoned by heaven, I’m no longer a man

 

How can a regular human being truly understand?

I’m chillin’ with my illness, how can one stand to live like this, delicious is the schizophrenia, straining with the remains of my mind 

Heaven forgive me, God has forbidden me from feeling happiness, my mind feels captured, by my DNA masters, my strength is collapsing, masked under

The chains of my happenstance, no chance for release, romanticized with my suicide, the monster knocks on the door like Halloween, asking "Can I come in please?" "I want to eat the candy of your mind and leave nothing behind."

 

The disease looks back at me smiling in the mirror, edging ever closer, making a monster of me, my reflection correcting and inflicting on me the person they wish me to be, taking away my humanity, making that nightmare reality hourly as I resist sourly as I become cowardly

Soaking in my tears appears I was nothing at all, my effort abolished, my spirit demolished, apologetic in my negativity severing me, seeding sorrow deep inside, bleeding internally

The voices say I have to fall to live eternally, I hear the demons call for battle and watch them maul my reality

I cowardly count on hourly, hope disappearing sourly, my mouth bitter like a battery, my soul silently shattering, my insignificant chatterings, when I die will it matter then?

 

Glance up from my computer screen, I have no future

Trying to fight the disease eating me, stuck in my room, I’m doomed to sit in my own stink, never to be fixed in this maelstrom, this mixture of failure, derailing my train of reason, defeat is treating me with depression, it oppresses my minds psychotic messages leaving me breathless neglected

A toy so broken, that I know the word hopeless as my own opus, frailer on the inside than the papered pages of my ink blood rages

I cannot cope with this breaking, chillin’ with my illness, fulfillment is frigid, my mind is livid, I have no privilege, I ask for forgiveness, to fight the monster inside me and kill it, bury it's carcass and sell it's soul on hell's market, as a martyr

I can only ask this question, how long can I keep living like this, when will I give into it?

 

And baptize my spit with another pill, swallow the truth, following the hollow shadow of another inner battle, another beast, more defeats

And comfort me, with the suffering of living, become something else, choose the noose and escape from this prison, this coliseum of empty freedom

Give in to the oblivion, lose my reasoning, leave them my fettle needle riddled body festering

And choose to stop living in a medicated dream world, wrestling the blood clotting as I continue rotting, knotting in the nothingness, the stomach that rumbles for more suffering

The illness that smothers the fire, the souls, snuffing out each other, two twin brothers, ripping one another apart, as my soul shutters

I wonder who will be the victor, as the wicker men flicker inside my sickness, it doesn't matter at all

I rattle on as a hellspawn

And face the dawn of another day, afraid to obey myself, betray the hatred as it smoulders under the eye of the beholder,  bred to be a conqueror, or give in to the monster, struggle on constantly, until I'm buried wholeheartedly, or murdered heartlessly, as the darkness leaves me in this bad dream, and sucks the life of another piece of human meat, takings away their life's meaning, and the joys they believe in, leaving them screaming, silent within the nightmare dreamland

 

 

Author's Note

I very seldom reply to reviews, but I promise I read EVERY single one. I look forward to my next review because it helps me learn. Even if it's just one word, I promise, I will be ecstatic to have the chance to hear what you have to say. Whenever you write something about my poems, or the themes of my poems, or criticize me it is not in vain. I will listen, learn and be thankful.

Reviews

[Zhavy]

Initial formatting was great Jackie boy than you lost me again with the paragraphs, don't mind how long your poetry will be, the denseness is the only thing hindering me as a reader. It has the depth of a story, I think you should definitely explore writing a poetic short story. It's something not often done but I think you could do a great job,

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

I'd love to write a short story poem hybrid, that sounds like a good time. I am a bit rusty with short stories, but I'm sure I can fix that. I'll try to cut this poem down to length when I can, I appreciate your suggestions. Thanks for the review!

[.]

It was a different start than that of the poems you've written before (short and direct lines stanzas). I guess it was an experiment with your writing, I love it! It starts with a description of your situation/ condition.... It makes the readers, make up their mind to read with the feeling/realization that the writer wants to provide. I would suggest you to develop this style, it attracts attention of the readers.
As always, I enjoyed the poem and again a great Thanks for sharing the poem and Good Luck and keep experimenting.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

I'm glad you enjoy it. I'm tinkering around with different forms of poetry, so you might see some different stuff compared to my usual style. Thank you for the review!

[Ghost writer]

very good way of saying that, I feel it too, that emptiness that if so full of awe full thoughts and self hate, that feeling of never being good enough even when you try your hardest, the sickening feeling of being alone because either you're not good enough or they treat you bad. very sad, your words framed the struggle beautifully.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

Thank you, this may seem selfish of me, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

[Ghost writer]

No, not selfish

[Davidgeo]

It's never a good sign to start off a poem with an error. . . "I'm been" or maybe you meant "I've been"?

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

Fixed it. Do you have any suggestions for the poem? I'm curious to hear what you have to say.

[wordman]

jack,depression from what i know of it will eat you alive if you let it.
you explained it well in this write,pills and potions will only mask the pain,,only you can kill the demon inside

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

You're absolutely right. I still struggle, but I'm not going to quit putting effort into my life.

[wordman]

good for you