Dirge

I didn’t want to take you down to my level

I just wanted to bring you with me to see

That when you buried my world

You died quickly like a flickering flame within the rain

 

If you want to judge me with your jeering

Execute the reunion, waste time away like a mercy kill

Fall away and winter a cold shoulder, meat in battle

Burn the scavenger on the avenue of insanity

 

Come see through me blinded by your hatred

Blinking out of existence, disappear like a daydream

Come backwards sacrilegious and step away from the crime

Walking apocalypse doppelgängers night stalker’s mocking the sun

 

Setting the scene for hatred, Armageddon that weaves emulated, alone in the debris of love, I rust red, discuss dead

Author's Note

I promise I read every single review, and I generally will reply to them. I look forward to my next review, because it helps me learn. Even if it's just one word, I promise, I will be happy to hear anything you feel needs sharing. Whenever you write on my shortcomings or breakthroughs, or the themes of my poems, or share ideas and friendly criticism, it decides my next poem to an extent. I will listen, learn and be thankful. And 99% of the time, you'll get a reply unless you're trolling me.

Reviews

[Anne Martin]

There is a lot to like in this. There were a couple of things that jumped out at me. I think flickering flame in the rain works better for me, since the flame is not within the raindrops, but being rained upon. In the second stanza you use the word "away" twice internal to the lines. I think they are too close together for my liking. In the next stanza "come" works better because it is structural. Finally, the last line, which I assume is a single line word-wrapped, seems too long for me. I would probably break it in two, either at the second comma or after "weaves", which might retain the ambiguity from the original.

That said, I like the grittiness of some of the writing, especially the last line of the third stanza - the third stanza in general actually. Well done.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

I'll take a look at things and see what I can do when I get around to it. Thank you for your critique.

[Davidgeo]

3rd line, 'that' should probably be "that's"

This is good work. I like your syntax and you ended things well.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

In this case it may sound a little off, but I did mean for it to be spelled that way.

I'll try to continue to write in a way that can be enjoyed, for me, and any readers. Usually when people critique my works if I make a mistake I can learn, although I have a lot more to learn, I'll definitely try to continue to improve.

[Davidgeo]

You don't need to explain to me that you will continue to write. You don't need to explain that kind of s**t at all. Just do your thing man.

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

For sure (character limit)

[.]

Hey! Wow!!! I see you're trying new. This is really really really nice one but I wish I could read it for longer, I hope you know what I mean. And there's a glimpse of your originality here. Yes this is a heart-touching, strong, sensible and relatable poem and I'm loving this. What the poet wants is to make others realize how they've been with him and feel the struggle and guilt while getting through this. I always had this concept in my mind but look at your brilliance, it was you who penned it up first. Congrats. You know I strangely feel to be in a competition with you, a little jealous that you wrote this before me. Haha.... Anyways I loved this poem!
Keep writing
Good Luck!

[R.J Calzonetti (SinisterPotatoe)]

I'm glad you enjoyed the poem! I figured I'd make a short one considering most of mine are longer.