"The Lingering Thought"

This is the poem I wrote a year ago on the night before my mother and father's anniversary occurred with him now having passed away for the past half month.

I've come to wonder honestly .. Why am I even still here? why do I still try to fight? why do I never just call it quits and say hello to the next life?

Why do I never give up on anything despite knowing full well I'll lose? It was always like that with friends, school, my attempts on love no matter the woman I would choose.

I am always trying to win In or against something no matter how pitiful or petty, a real winning mentality but what is really the real point in me still being here?

The dark thought lingers..

yet despite my spite, my pride. All of this pain and the heart talking into my brain.. I can't bring myself to end this suffering. I always think along the muddles of lies in blurry puddles of a line.

He would want to live..

My father would have wanted to live. He didn't want to die, cease to exist. If I gave in.. If I went through the gun safe and blew open my head with the twelve gauge.. If I took this pocket knife I cherish with my life, sharpen it twice and slice my neck or wrists because I couldn't resist, lye a dead man dying with the sea of red flowing from my veins.. thus forever more remembered as the guy, a fool whom died in vain for not being content living a full life of vanity.

My existence would be snuffed out like a dim fire caught in the gusty wind ,my disgusting vile act earns the ire of a blazing punishment for voluntarily taking the gallows due to feelings of the ill feeling, feeling all hollow on this night of hallows eve.

Yet as I said, when I think upon him. When I think on the thought of my mother, the young sibling of an already distraught sister weeping profusely just as I bleed, left lifeless of a scarred husk and thus mentally scarring her for all evermore into an eternity... Yes, indeed I can't bring the ability to edge the dagger closer.

I can not seem to allow myself to be the man of action, just the one with remorse for the act I was about to commit, guilt tripped by the conscience for wishing to make them more saddened.. belittling my selfish whims.

So broken I may be. However, hopefully time will be on my side, my "quick" fix as love truly isn't.

It just cracked me open and left me on my own lonesome. Vulnerable and feeling the chill, then everything came closing in as the anguish felt intolerable and collapsed the very world I knew. It came falling over as It all crumbled away with shakes of a poisonous vice, snake like and slithering in for the kill.

Smothered underneath the covers at night within the realms of figments and the pigment of shades following my every move never leaving me be.. getting harder to slumber so I pop another pill and seek shelter in the bed as I try to sleep it all off, once more .. once again.

Living forsaken just for the sake of them as the dark thought lingers..

 

Author's Note

Please do tell me what you think of this one, I would appreciate it quite a lot.