The Speech/Chocolate Eyes

Show not tell

 The Speech

Trembling, he stood at the podium and  positioned his body behind it as though it were a shield.  He squinted against the brightness of the lights that glared into his eyes like so many suns.  Beyond the lights, he heard feet shuffling, nose blowing, whispers that sounded like air rushing by an open window on the highway.  It was as though some strange beast had come for him.  An uncomfortable cough came from somewhere in the back rows, and then the sound of a cell phone.  Sweat beaded on his brow and upper lip, while inside, his stomach was a roller coaster--the fast kind, with the hairpin turns and loops that make you scream ‘til your throat hurts.  As he leaned forward, gripping his speech with shaking hands, the microphone squealed.  In the quiet auditorium, it seemed as loud as a fog horn.  White knuckled, he looked down at the floor and willed the boards to open up and swallow him into a secret, personal portal to his safe, warm living room.

 

 Brown

He kept the small, nightstand light on so that he could watch her as she slept.  Where the light met her hair, it shone, a myriad of colors shone forth that he didn’t think were possible on brown hair-blond, auburn, titian, chestnut.  He wound a soft, wavy tendril around his fingers, marveling at the richness of the color and thickness of each strand.   He leaned forward and inhaled the scent that was like breathing night, jasmine, and mystery.  He closed his eyes until he sensed hers gazing at him.  Slowly, he opened his eyes only to be lost in deep pools of warm, milk chocolate.  His breath caught at the invitation he saw there and with eyes locked, he leaned forward.

Author's Note

Working on showing not telling; I'd love to have feedback-any and all! :)

Reviews

[Jeremy Baker]

I like the style of your writing; very descriptive and poetic narratives. However this doesn't always equate to 'showing' rather than 'telling' - for example "The lights glared in his eyes, like so many suns, blinding him." Describing an action, such as squinting, or a gesture such as shielding his eyes, would show rather than tell that he was being blinded by the lights. I hope this doesn't offend - it's meant as a constructive suggestion only, not a criticism!

[Sharon Kim]

Thank you, Jeremy! I'm not offended at all. I want feedback, advice and different perspectives. I want to keep growing as a writer. I see what you are saying and appreciate your words and time. :)

[Ashira Macy]

I enjoyed both scenes, I thought they were really well written, but the first one was my favorite I think. You did a wonderful job of showing not only the inner turmoil of the character, but also the outside forces that were effecting his nerves.

Inside, his stomach rode roller coasters.

This line read a little awkwardly for me, so if I were to suggest anything it would be to revisit it and maybe change it around a bit. Maybe something like "His insides were a roller coaster." Or something of the sort. That could just be my opinion though.

[Sharon Kim]

Ashira, thank you so much for reading. I will definitely revisit it and I thank you for your opinion! I always appreciate feedback. :)

[Ashira Macy]

It was my pleasure dear. Keep writing, you are quite talented! =)

[A. Amos]

This was sharp way of depicting feelings and emotions, interesting write and enjoyable read...Well done my friend.

[Sharon Kim]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting!