Broken & Numb

The reflections and memoirs of a relationship once so promising, a couple at a crossroads, and the self-destructive patterns we choose to continue.

“Broken & Numb”

By S. G. Warden

With the sun beaming brightly through the penthouse’s walls of windows, Jacqueline walked over to the each window, and banished the sunlight through closing the California shutters for each window panel, until the white marble palace resembled more of a grey, which happened to be the emotion that Jacqueline had been feeling lately. She ran her fingers through her dark, shoulder-length hair, and walked in her white robe towards the bar. “You must always be prepared, should company arrive unexpectedly,” an echo reminisce from her mother who was never anything short of being the perfect hostess. These days, the bar area was not so much used as a hostess’ tool; rather, it had been a reprieve for Jacqueline over the last few months. She took the third  decanter from the the left, containing amaretto, her poison of choice as of late, while there was still sun out. She poured the contents of the decanter into the crystal glass in front of it, and immediately brought the poison to her lips. She drank with her eyes closed, feeling the warm, sweet beverage flow smoothly into her. When the glass was defeated, she opened her eyes, and put down the crystal glass, her gaze focused on the large diamond ring on her left finger. She let out a single, one breath laugh, and poured herself another.

“This is supposed to be happiness, this is what I had waited for… what a lie,” she said to herself aloud, already beginning to have her second drink. She walked to the living with with her glass in hand, looking at her surroundings. The white marble floors, the grey leather couches, the glass coffee table. White accent tables, equipped with chrome hardware, complimented each piece of furniture, with pieces of art carefully selected on the walls, and accents on the tables. Everything had been picked out so carefully. So deliberately. Jacqueline’s eyes skimmed the room, from top to bottom, to find once once of resemblance to herself. She found herself unable to find one thing, not one small, insignificant item, that made her think of herself, or remind her of who she used to be. “Just stop, this is foolish,” she told herself, having another quick sip.

She thought back to five years ago, and to that pitiful 1 bedroom apartment she had been living in at the time. Like so many others, Jacqueline’s life came to a halt when the markets crashed, and she was suddenly faced with a recession, alone. Her inheritance, generously left by her mother and father when Jacqueline was only twenty, served as a means to enjoy a life of luxury and privilege without having to work. Having been brought up in polite society, and as an only child, Jacqueline had been raised in a lavish lifestyle, without any particular emphasis on paving her own way. While she did work part-time in a luxury linens boutique, though one could hardly call fifteen hours of work a week a real career. Yet in spite of this, one of her greatest gifts was the kindness and gentle spirit she bestowed on others. You simply couldn’t dislike or reproach her for being a “spoiled little rich girl,” because while she was beautiful, she had a genuine, soft spirit which you couldn’t help but admire, and like.

Following her parents’ passing, she continued with the investment banker who managed her parents’ portfolio, never really paying attention to the inner workings of the financial machine. When she received a call from her financial advisor saying she needed to come in, there was something ominous about the call which left her, for the first time, feeling scared and vulnerable. Her fears were validated after the meeting, where she learned that like the market, her bubble had popped, with very little left. Jacqueline took another sip, remembering the months that followed… She first lived in denial, and continued as though nothing happened. The credit card balances getting higher and higher, with less and less room to continue living a lie. “Living in a circles lies…” Jacqueline said aloud, and laughed again, before bringing the glass to her mouth one final time, consuming what was left. She slammed the glass down on the bar, and repeated, “circle of lies…”

She walked through the large open living room and up the round stairway to the second floor of the unit. Letting the robe slip off of her to the floor, she walked through the master bedroom, and into the large white marble bathroom. She opened the glass door, and turned on the shower. She stepped in, and letting the warm water cascade her body, she closed her eyes, and in an almost melodic sound, let out a few cries, her tears masked by the water, as she thought back and remembered that fateful night she had met Daniel, and her life changed forever, five years ago...

“Jackie- everyone is here, where the hell are you? Back booth. 10 more minutes, and you’ll miss out on bottle service, girl!” was what flashed as a text message on the screen of Jacqueline’s phone as she walked quickly towards the club. It was a warm summer night, one where you weren’t constrained by weather for fashion. This was a good thing, as Jacqueline had just recently brought most of her coats, save her mother’s fur coat that was too sentimental to give up, to a luxury consignment store in the suburbs. “They’re just things, it doesn’t really matter,” Jacqueline told herself while the store clerk looked at each piece, before aggressively throwing it on the counter behind the register. Jacqueline tried not to let this bother her, but with each piece of clothing, she couldn’t help but feel cheap and desperate, having to pawn her belongings in order to live. It started with electronics, then to luxury items like skis and golf clubs, but she since has had to resort to clothing, and even some pieces of jewellery- so long as it wasn’t anything left by her mother.

She pushed that thought away as she saw the bright sign for the lounge, with the windows open so the music was calling to Jackie like a siren’s song. As she approached the lounge, she smiled at Andre, the head bouncer, who quickly opened the velvet rope. “Jackie- we’ve all been waiting for you, Duchess. Adele and everyone is in the back booth,” he said while smiling, looking up and down at the short, tight, backless ivory dress. A pair of light heels and silver jewellery, with carefully applied cat eye makeup, made Jacqueline strut past the rope, and into the lounge with confidence. In a sea of blonde beauties, Jacqueline stood out, with her tanned skin, dark brown hair, and sea-blue eyes. She smiled at the nickname “Duchess”, given to her affectionately by her friend Adele, but that if people only knew how the Duchess had all but a few months before becoming a peasant.

She walked towards the back, the dance floor seeming to part as she crossed it, her body dancing slightly to the music, before reaching the back where Adele was smiling, and yelling aloud, “Jackie! Get over here, girl! The Duchess has arrived, let the drinking commence!” Adele yelled and slurred, suggesting this wasn’t the first drink she had had that evening. Jacqueline and Adele did the double cheek kiss, and then took stock of who else was there. Five suited men were at the table with Adele. Adele had three rules when going out: Men in suits, champagne and shots, and no leaving with anyone unless she signed off on it. Jacqueline accepted the glass of champagne from the suit on her left, and, as only a Duchess could, proposed a toast, “to an incredible evening with old, yes, that’s you Adele, and new friends. Cheers.” All toasted, and enjoyed the delicious champagne. Adele, nearly stumbling over the table, grabbed her friend for loud introductions. “Jackie- I’d like you to meet our entourage.” She began pointing her finger from one suit to another, in an incredibly random order. “Boys, this is Jackie. Jackie- This is Trent, William, Brock...Victor… and…” she stumbled in the final suit, but was pointing her finger right at Jacqueline. “Daniel,” a voice had boomed from behind her. Jacqueline turned around, and looked at this Daniel fellow. Noticeably taller than the other suits at six foot, four inches, his spiked blond hair and light grey suit making him stand out all the more, with grey eyes looking directly at, Daniel most certainly stood out from the others, and seemed immediately fixated on the dark haired beauty in front of him. “Well, hello there, Daniel. I’m Jacqueline, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” she purred, her blue eyes almost unable to continue looking at the intense grey eyes in front of her. Adele moved closer to her friend, and chimed in, “you know, Daniel, Jackie is one of my very best friends in the world, and I love her. No I do. I totally love this girl” Adele continued to yell, almost falling before laughing at one of the suits, either Brock or Trent, caught her and her attention went back to the suited boys. “Well, Jacqueline… your friend clearly adores you. Would you like to dance?” asked Daniel. After glancing at the ever-growing trainwreck that was becoming Adele and either Trent or Brock, Jacqueline smiled, and said yes. They each took two shots, and went to the dancefloor, which organically parted for the dark duchess in white, and the tall man in the grey suit. Jacqueline felt the bass of the music, and moved in unison with it, and her tall Daniel. His grey eyes fixated on the beauty he was dancing with. When Jacqueline would look up, he was moving to the music, but his gaze with completely on her. She turned away, playing the role of coquette, and when a dance move turned her back around where there faces met, his eyes remained exactly where they had been. Jacqueline smiled, and Daniel, grabbing her softly by the neck, pulled her in for a kiss, one which embodied all the electricity and energy of the lounge. Daniel pulled her even closer, in the safety of his tall, framed body, and asked in her ear, “may I take you somewhere more private, where I can actually get to know you a little better?” The question had been posed, the offer in the air, and Jacqueline, feeling the champagne, shots, and chemistry between her and Daniel, looked right at him, and responded, “yes.” One word, three simple letters, which would inevitably change her life forever, but at the moment, all thoughts were on the the present. “Jacqueline, I will get the valet to bring my vehicle around. I’m sure Adele would hunt me down if you disappeared, so say your goodbyes, and I will meet you in front,” Daniel said. Jacqueline looked at him, trying to get a sense of who this handsome, tall man in the grey suit was. “Aren’t you going to say goodbye to your friends?” she asked. Daniel just smiled. “No. They’re not my friends, and I’m leaving to spend time with the one I’ve wanted to be with all night. I’ll see you in the front, my dear,” and with this, he walked towards the front of the club. Jacqueline couldn’t help herself but smile. There was something charming, and intense, about this Daniel. She made her way to Adele, who was still in the booth, kissing an entirely different suited man than earlier, her blonde hair already looking disheveled and one of her straps off her shoulder. “Jackie… girl… you go… and hit that!” said Adele with a thumbs up. Jacqueline looked with some sympathy at the other suited men watching Adele get further and further into trainwreck mode, and something came over her that whatever the night had in store for her, the adventure was to be with her tall Daniel and not at the club. Jacqueline made her way to the door, avoiding the dance floor, and walked towards the door, Andre opening the velvet rope again and wishing her a good night. “There you are, my beauty,” was whispered in Jacqueline’s ear, with arms suddenly around her waist. She jumped slightly from the surprise, only to have the same voice whisper back, “don’t worry, you’re safe with me.” Jacqueline turned around to see Daniel, who somehow had escaped her line of vision while exiting, but who was most certainly there now. “Am I?” she asked coyly, not breaking the intense gaze of Daniel’s grey eyes. “Yes, my beauty, you are. Shall we?” Daniel said with both confidence and conviction, and Jacqueline turned around to see the valet arrive with a new Jaguar coupe, the same colour of grey as Daniel’s eyes. The valet began to open the door, only to be pushed aside by Daniel, who insisted on opening the door for Jacqueline himself. “My lady,” he said, trying to pull off an English accent, which only made Jacqueline smile all the more. “Thank you, kind sir,” and with that, she entered the vehicle, still with the aroma of new car scent. At the very least, Jacqueline figured that Daniel must be interesting and successful. The man in the tall suit walked to the other side of the vehicle, where the door was opened for him, though he was quicker than the valet at closing the door. “Alright,” he said with the confidence of a fighter pilot operating his vehicle,”my place.” And with that, the Jaguar roared and the pair flew away into the night.

Jacqueline’s mind returned to the present, she turned off the water to the shower, and began to dry off and dress for the day. The his and hers vanities distinctively would tell you where each would prepare, and Jacqueline, now dry and robed, sat at her vanity to begin her beauty regimen. First came the facial, and body lotions, to optimize soft skin before Jacqueline was fully dry. Then it was hair, which was always a medley of drying, straightening, curling, brushing… She decided on leaving her brown hair, recently coloured with lighter highlights, and bangs down, but her tools ensured some volume. She looked at herself in the mirror. She looked pale, too pale, she thought, so after the foundation and powder, she resorted to some bronzer to brighten up her face. A simple brown mascara applied, enough to make those blue eyes really pop, and some crimson liquid applied to the lips, as a statement and focal point. Jacqueline got up from the chair, and placing the robe in its hook, walked into her closet, where she opened the drawer to select black lace undergarments. She put these on, and browsed the closet for something appropriate for the day. White, ivory, cream… Jacqueline thought to herself how it was that she had an entire closet essentially filled with the same items, but in slightly different variations of a light pallet. “Daniel,” she said to herself pensively, “it’s all Daniel. It’s all him…” Jacqueline fought back a tear, and went into the deep end of her closet, and selected a long sleeved, satin and lace, black sweetheart-lined dress. Jacqueline examined it from the hanger, and was suddenly flooded with the memory of the last time she had worn it. An echoed voice from the past she could still hear, “I just wanted to tell you again… you’re my one true love.” said the voice in the distant past, Jacqueline remembering the garment laying out on the bed along with a box, a present from Daniel, to compliment the gift. Jacqueline went to back to her vanity, and opened the second drawer which contained her jewellery given to her by Daniel. She spotted the teal blue gift box, and opened it to reveal an extravagant diamond necklace, accompanied by diamond chandelier inspired earrings. She put in one earring at a time, and slowly, attached the necklace while looking at herself in in almost haunting way. Dressed, Jacqueline selected a pair of black patent leather heels, which she put on, and proceeded to look at herself in the mirror. Daniel’s perfectly-kept china doll. While the dress and jewellery had been selected by Daniel, this particular outfit made her think of another: Lucas.

Jacqueline located her cell phone on the charger, and opened her email inbox, to the hidden file for Lucas’ e-mails, notes, and letters. She opened one, dated February of last year and read:

Hey Hottie,

I hope your day is going well so far as mine is that is! I'm busy like a

bee, but as always, thinking of my baby girl amongst the pieces of my hectic

day.  It seems my mind continuously flutters back to you which I love

because it brightens every moment when you pop into my mind.  I just wanted

to wish you a wonderful last day at work before you head to vacation, which I am sure will be filled with well wishes.  As I said earlier this a.m. in my cushy bed, I do hope my Princess

enjoys herself this evening and I am looking forward to have our martini date

of reminiscence.  You are incredible Jackie and I love you so much!!  I feel

I could just say this a million times over...I truly feel so blessed

that you are in my life and I too wonder sometimes how lucky I am and what I

have done to deserve such a wonderful woman like you. :o)

After saving you from that nightmare that woke you up last night with my many cuddles

(he he) I only hope there will be many more tonight. I also hope you had a

much more restful sleep after being so exhausted as I would not want my baby

to burnout with more stories of a dress code and the cruelty you’ve been subjected to, instead I’m picturing a you and me marathon  :o)  And I do hope to sort out this

whole work thing this weekend so you don't have to rush over to my place. I do apologize about this whole fiasco.

Anyway my lady we will soon see each other tonight.  Wishing you many fun

times to be had and then plenty more of me afterwards.

You are just so Yummy!!

And I Love you

-Lucas

Jacqueline pushed the button to close that particular e-mail, and with her index finger wiped away the one tear that was forming in her right eye. Jacqueline thought to herself, regarding her relationship of the last five years with Daniel. “I always stood by you, I defended you because I believed you were a good person… and then I stopped defending you. I stopped when you stopped caring about how your lies became too wild to ignore . How you’re incapable of telling the truth.” Jacqueline walked down the the stairs, and back to the decanter and the crystal glass which was had been left there, seemingly waiting for yet another drink to help numb the pain. Jacqueline, unable to resist, opened the decanter and poured herself another drink. She drank it quickly, recklessly, trying to quiet the voices that were now invading her mind, of the conversation that transpired the previous night between her and Daniel.

“Somebody, Daniel, someone is going to say beautiful things to me, and I am going to believe him. Someone is going to love me, Daniel, and I want to love him back as openly as freely and openly as I ever could. But that’s not you, Daniel.” I don’t care anymore… I’m fresh out of forgiving, and I don’t believe you anymore. Not one. Single. Word.”

Jacqueline clasped her hands together and tried to was unable to hold back the tears, both tears of anger and intense sadness. Daniel walked quietly towards Jacqueline, and looked at her, his grey eyes intense as always, but with what appeared to be tears. He took from his pocket a folder piece of paper, a letter he had prepared for “his” Jacqueline. He read calmly, though unable to veil to emotion he was feeling.

“My dearest Jacqueline,

I thought I would write you this letter just to say how much I love you, and again to let you know how much I adore you and truly love you with all my heart.

I know we have already discussed the events of the my trip to Monte Carlo and the mistake I made while there. I’ve told you everything, and asked you to forgive me. I made it known through verbal expression just how much we truly care for and love one another, but I just wanted to tell you this again, by darling. You are my true love, and I look forward to spending all the time we can with one another whether holding you, out around town, laughing, dancing, me chasing you through our home, or going on special trips with intimate dinners.  Each of those times together have etched into my being fond memories that I will always hold dear to me.

Soon we will have been together for 2 years...wonderful years that have allowed us to grow both independently and together as a couple.  I am so proud of you and who you have become, and feel so happy that everyone has now begun to truly accept us which allows us to strengthen our bond even more...

This all to say my darling, that I am looking so forward to many more years together filled with memories of moments of me and you.

I love you sweetheart,

Your Daniel.”

Jacqueline was unable to muster a sound; she couldn’t reconcile what was the truth anymore. Nor could she distinguish the border anymore between her transgressions, and Daniel’s. “I’m flying out tomorrow early to Kuala Lumpur for work. I’ll be heading to the airport and grab a few hours of sleep there before my flight. Jacqueline… I want you to really think about this. Monte Carlo was a stupid mistake. My life, my future… it’s with you,” he said, almost pleading with her.

“How could you break my heart like this, Daniel? For months, even years, I pushed down that little voice that had me doubt what was going on during these little business trips of yours. And you somehow managed to make me believe that it was all in my head… Just go. I can’t even look at you right now. Just go,” Jacqueline hissed, with more and more anger.

“Jacqueline- I’ll go. I’ll be back in a week. You remember, this is our home, together. This life, this is a life we built together. Have I made a mistake? Yes. Have I made more than one mistake, yes. I have. I won’t deny it. But you hear me: I know you’ve been finding your own ways of escaping from dealing with our situation…”

Jacqueline stood still and silent, trying her best to mask any shadow of emotion to signal her own indiscretions. She walked stoically towards Daniel, and responded, “Daniel, I have never been unfaithful to you, and I never wi-” was all that Jacqueline could muster before feeling the silent sting of being struck across the face. Daniel had never hit her before.

“Stop. Just stop with your pious, victim act. You’re lucky I don’t know his name, whoever he is, or I would have killed him myself. One week, Jacqueline. You have one week to end it, never see him again, and when I’m back, all is forgiven between us, and we will have the life we’ve dreamed of. One week. I love you,” Daniel said before grabbing her cheeks, one still stinging from being struck, before taking has suitcase and head out the door.

As soon as the door had closed, Jacqueline locked it, and burst into tears. She thought about the time she had spent with Lucas. “The truth is he made me feel like no one ever has… he would touch me, and I would feel this jolt of electricity. And when I would look into his eyes, I could tell that he believed that I was something special. And he made me believe that too.

No matter whether Daniel meant it or not, he took that from me.  It’s sick. And I hate it…He’s supposed to be who I grow old with, but I hate it… I hate the he’s taken the best parts of me, and shredded them. I don’t even know who I am anymore,” Jacqueline said to herself, the tears unable to contain themselves any longer…

A day later, Jacqueline, now holding her fourth drink, walked around the penthouse’s main floor. She thought of it all, of the early days where Daniel had been so doting, the promise that he would be like that again… and yet, less than 24 hours ago, he had struck her for the very first time. He knew that she was lying too. That how could Jacqueline possibly throw stones at glass houses when she herself carried on with a casual online affair. “Maybe at the end of the day, we’re no different…” she said aloud, while the fourth drink continued to make its way in her system. It was decided. Jacqueline would delete all emails and texts from Lucas. She would block him through every way she could. He had never been to the penthouse, cutting him out of her life shouldn’t be too hard… All these thoughts rushed through Jacqueline’s mind, as she walked around the living room, pausing suddenly in front of a framed photo of she and Daniel. She’s pressed up against him, the beach of a Mexican luxury resort. Jacqueline remembered that trip, the dinners, the days lounging on the beach… she picked up the frame, and burst into tears. She put down the crystal glass of alcohol, and cradled the photo of her and Daniel as she slipped onto the couch. “I miss you… I miss you so much….” she muttered between her tears. And with that cathartic moment, Jacqueline stood up from the couch. She returned the picture frame to its rightful spot, and stared across the room at the crystal glass, with a sip of amaretto left. She walked slowly over the glass, and filled it until the decanter was empty. “So much,” she said, before bringing the glass to her mouth, drinking its contents until the night became nothing more than a numb blur...

Author's Note

Not quite where I want it to be... more, maybe less... missing part? What do you think?