Imagine you’re this woman who was living an ordinary life. Always caring, never hurt anyone in your lifetime. One day while you lie asleep in your bed, you heard a noise coming from within your house.
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Imaginary -Chapter 1-.
-Chapter 1- Just a Normal Life
It is the dawn of morning ember, as I am greeted by the sunlight, peeking through the oaken trees, into my bedroom, to where I laid, as if Mother Nature was kindly telling that it is time for me to wake up. As I arose from my bed, I glanced swiftly at my clock hanging on the wall; it wasn't even a minute past six. The house was dead quiet, and a gentle draft swept through the halls, passing the many bedrooms, all of which had been empty for many years. I had never gotten used to it, if only there was someone else here, someone to love then perhaps I wouldn't feel so lonely every morning.
So I head to my closet and I put on my white silk blouse along with my black pressed jeans, I grabbed my coat and I proceeded to go downstairs to where I was greeted by my retriever Scarlet. Scarlet is only nine yet she still acts like a pup, so hyper in the morning yet in fact she reminds me a lot of myself when I was a child.
Grabbing my T.S. Elliot poetry collection off the counter, I proceeded out the front door with Scarlet by my side. I continued my way to my garden outside, near the angel statue, a bench to where I sat.
I must have read for hours for the time was now nine. I had just finished reading “A Road Not Taken” when I was greeted by my good friend Rachael as she was heading off to the West Side Diner. Rachael and I have been good friends since we were in high school; she’s my baby sister. We’ve always gone to the West Side Diner together every morning; it was part of our daily routine. We've always walked there together. I know sure we could drive there or arrive there in a limousine, but that's just not us; we've always been old fashion, I guess.
"Hey Rose!" Rachael called out for me from the other side of the fence. Rose has always been my nickname since as long as we've been friends. "Oh hey Rachael, come on in the gates unlocked." I replied as she entered the garden through the gate with great anticipation; she was greeted by Scarlet who tries to jump up onto her. She pet Scarlet, showing her some gentle loving. Rachael looks up at me sitting here on the bench, with joyous spark in her eyes as in mine, we then begin to talk.
"I hope you're having a good morning?" said Rachael. "Oh, I am." I replied as I gave a slight giggle. "Are you ready to go?" she asks me as I had put my book into my bag. "Sure, let's go." I said as I gave a friendly nod right when I put my bag over my shoulder. I got up and joined Rachael's walk out through the gate and when I turn around to lock up, that's when I notice Scarlet giving me those sad eyes again.
Joining Rachael, we proceeded to walk. I notice a white delivery van driving past us; I turned my head to see where it was heading but it didn't go too far, instead it had parked across the street from my house. I thought nothing of it, perhaps just dropping off a package for me or someone else. Rachael and I continue to talk as we were walking to the subway. We were laughing with joyous jest as we were having a time of our lives, like always. People would say how Rachael and I are like sisters whenever we get together. We hardly fought or show remorse towards one another. Well, I guess I could say that she's the only family I got.
Finally arriving at the diner, we sat down at our normal seat by the bay window facing the Statue of Liberty. Like always, Rachael and I ordered the bacon, eggs and hash brown meal with coffee. While we were eating, Rachael began telling me about her new job at Early Life Preschool. She carried on telling me that in a year she’d be able to work at an elementary school, teaching English. That was a dream Rachael always wanted. But with me, with the fortunes my family had left me, I didn’t really have to work. But when I do work, I work managing my Antiques and Books store.
Rachael and I departed separately; she went to her job and I went to mine. As I was shelving my new books, I heard a male voice calling for me. “Excuse me miss?” he called out. As I turned around, that’s when I notice a handsome man appeared to be in his early 30’s; he had a child with him. The child was that of a little girl, who got to of been at least 4 years old. “Can I help you?” I ask in response. “Um yeah, can you help me find 20,000 Leagues under the Sea by Jules Verne?” he asked. As I went to show him where that book was, we began to talk. He told me his name was Thomas and his daughter’s name is Emma and that he lost his wife when Emma was born. As we continue talking, he offered to take me out that night. Nervous and stuttering, I gladly accepted his dinner offer. After he left with his daughter, I called up Rachael right away and told her everything. She was ecstatic to hear that I would be going on my first date in many years.
Later that evening while I was finishing getting ready, I heard the doorbell followed by a knock. “Was that him?” I said to myself nervous and afraid. “Be right down!” I said as I grabbed the balusters and proceeded down stairs. With great uncertainly, I reached for the door and as I opened it; standing there was Thomas with a bouquet of red roses. While fretfully he said, “I do hope roses are your favorite?” In response I nodded and said, “They are utmost beautiful, they are in fact my favorite.” I took his hand as we proceeded to his car. Being the gentleman he is, he opened the car door for me. We proceeded on our way to the Flaming Flamingo.
As we arrived there, we got out of his car and continued our way inside where we were guided to our table. We were laughing and talking, just having a wonderful time as we ate. He had a glass of wine; I had a glass of water. As we finished our meal, we were still talking and just enjoying our time together. We decided to leave the restaurant and take a stroll down Central Park. The moon was full and was at its highest; we continued our walk through a garden. He was telling me that he was once in the military, but was given an honorable discharge after getting shot in his right leg. I was telling him how I lost my family when I was a child. We proceed to swap stories until arriving at my front door. We continued on for a good five minute, but then he leaned closer with passion in his eyes; he had kissed me. “Until tomorrow?” he said with calmness in his voice. I nodded in response, “Until tomorrow.”
The time is late and I carried myself up the stairs. I proceeded onto my room to where I undressed to slip on something more comfortable to sleep in. It was now a minute past midnight, as I gently got into my bed anxious to tell Rachael about my night. I grabbed my T.S. Elliot poetry collection and began to read a little before falling asleep. It was now two o’clock in the morning as I was sound asleep with my book open on my chest. Suddenly there it was, “CRASH!”
***Imagine you’re this woman who was living an ordinary life. Always caring, never hurt anyone in your lifetime. One day while you lie asleep in your bed, you heard a noise coming from within your house. Could it be your dog knocking stuff over again? That’s when you get out of bed and take a look and see. But what you saw would be the very last thing you’d ever see, will alive anyways. You were just living your own life when your life was stolen from you, for what? What else money. Now you’re dead yet you cannot rest until your killers are found but the thing is, the only one who could see you now is a little girl not an age past five. This is what happened to Serenity, a woman who lost her life over money. Now this little girl is Serenity’s last hope but the thing is, her single father thinks that Serenity is her imaginary friend. What would you do if the only person you must rely on is but a kid, and the only way for your spirit to be at peace is through her?***
This is actually a book that I'm working on but the thing is, I've never written a book before. So I decided to upload what all I have so far and get some help and advice from you guys on trying to make it better.... So that's why I ask, "Is this a good start for a book and is there anything that I should fix or correct with this?
You said "Is this a good start for a book and is there anything that I should fix or correct with this?"
The idea is wonderful. Execution, however, you could use a few tips on.
#1 Punctuation is important. Check your commas, periods, and paragraphs. Remember, stories are nothing like poems; these items take much more structure. Each line of dialogue should be it's own paragraph. Commas are used where a speaker would normally pause (a rule of thumb, when in doubt).
#2 Double check your spelling/word use. This is where it's similar to poetry. Word use is very important to convey not just images but smells, emotions, and sounds. Keep the description that you use in your poems.
#3 Keep the flow. Not just in the story, but as you write it. Don't worry about the grammar or revisions. Go with the flow (which you did here!) and edit later. Maybe send the work to a few other people on here for tips and ideas when you finish a chapter, but before you post it.
Overall, though, amazing for someone with little novel experience!
You are really pulling me into this story. Your development of the main character is giving her an old fashioned air that gives her a certain vulnerability and charm. I am feeling suspense, perhaps due to your lead in and knowing that this is not going to be a happily ever after for Serenity and her new beau. I am already a bit saddened by that...that is good because it means that I already care.
Other reviews are fantastically helpful, so I will only offer that you keep your tenses in agreement. There were several places where you started out in the present and then, went to past and then back. Won't do examples here, but if you want them I will be happy to point out. This is great and you obviously have a natural talent for storytelling!
I think this is great as it is... i love how you wrote his, so etiquette like and romantic... yet whats to come, you added a nice ending to this chapter.
Love the story so far found kinda romantic and it amused me to some degree and left me with wondering on where we are going to take it. Event though I do not like first person and do my best writing in third person as 98% are written this way. I try to stay objective as possible and think how the story can be better. Not finding any errors I move on to the next chapter.
It's good, But make sure that you start a new paragraph every time someone speaks. For example:
"I hope you're having a good morning?" said Rachael.
"Oh, I am." I replied as I gave a slight giggle.
Also, make sure you indent your paragraphs. Work on flow, your chapter sort of drags on and sounds mechanic. I always go by the saying "Show, don't tell." Paint a picture in your readers mind. For example:
Instead of saying, "As I turned around, that’s when I notice a handsome man appeared to be in his early thirties; he had a child with him. The child was that of a little girl, who got to of been at least four years old."
Say something like: Slowly I turned, responding to the deep voice. The man it belonged to was very handsome, tall with broad shoulders (include further description of what you picture him to appear as here) and appearing to be in his early thirties. As my eyes wandered down I noticed a small child, a girl with (include description of her here) and merely four years of age.
See the difference? You want the audience to picture the story, don't just tell them what happens, make them use their five sences (sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste) by giving a detailed description of what is happening. It will make it more fun and intriguing to read. This technique is called a Snapshot.
When you have someone think something to themselves, like you had "Was that him?" I said to myself" Make sure that if they are not saying it out loud that it is in italics, that is called a Thought shot. Also, make sure that the very last puncuation mark goes inside the very last quotation mark.
It is a very good start, keep it up.
"The writer’s mind, can surpass even the most intellectual minds." –Adam M. Snow
I keep my work clean, I write to inspire others. Some people would even call me a philosopher, but w.. more..
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