Should've Said No

Tears roll down my cheeks

Hearing him grunt and groan

As he going down on me

I feel my heart shatter into pieces

Knowing that he’s only using me

As object of his desires

Knowing that he’ll never love

As much as I love him

Knowing that I’m only another conquest

Author's Note

Honest opinons

Reviews

[Hippy]

an honest view of society. the title reminds me of a taylor swift song or something like that.

[Coyote Poetry]

Most of us regret decisions as soon as we make them. I like the honest and directness of the poem. Thank you for the excellent poem.
Coyote

[MysticClown]

Its depressing and sounds hurtfully true. I love it.

[David Michael]

Overall, I like you have superimposed having sex with (presumably) a boyfriend onto rape, blurring the distinction between the two. By the title and the first few lines, I would assume this was a rape scene, but by the end it's clear it's just another bout of (consensual) sex with a guy who doesn't love. However, the poem makes its point - the two aren't so disimilar.

On a micro-level, overall, it could use tidying up, with careless mistakes like "he going down" (either "he's/he is" or "goes") distracting the reader. I will assume that this is a first draft so you're aware it's not "perfect".

On a more important level, it's weak in its wording. You have many cliches which would be replaced with original images, such as "heart shatter into pieces" - this has been said a million times (and even the cliche is weak, because it's redundant, since "shatter" has "into pieces" built into its meaning... there's no other way for something to shatter). Even the very first line is a very common way to describe tears.

It's also very explicit, which you may be oK with, but I think poetry is much better when it alludes to things and doesn't state its meaning outright. Otherwise, what separates poetry from poetic prose? I think you especially need to rework the last three "knowing" statements, finding a more intriguing and implicit way to get your meaning across.

For instance, you might employ an actual object to replace "object of desire", relating yourself to it. And instead of saying "he's only using [object]", imply it instead. The second one could be along the lines of, "Knowing that my love is [some metaphor]" - e.g. "a letter labeled 'Undeliverable'."

Take note how with similes, metaphors, and good imagery, you have a log of flexibility to describe things in just the right way. Say you relate your love to a cup or basin of water. You could emphasize that he doesn't partake of your love, he's distant and uncaring, by saying, "Knowing that my love will never be drunk from." Or if you want to emphasize that he treats it as trash, show him dumping out your cup onto the dirt. If he has drained you of your love, selfishly, but neglects to refill it, say that. You could say that you have brought your cup to the feast of love, he has brought naught but his hunger, showing the give and take of the relationship.

I will stand firmly by my belief in good imagery and strong wording, devoid of cliches! :)

Keep in mind that it's meaningless to say that your content is great, or that I have SO related to it, as other reviewers have done. Poetry is rarely dealing with anything out of the ordinary or spectacular, and love poetry is the most common you find. The impact isn't in your message - it's in how you convey it.

Hope that helps. Send me another message with a random read request anytime! :)

[DrD]

I think every woman has known this experience and every man has been guilty of it. Nice job.

[Emberlorna]

Wow so compelling I feel the pain, sadness, heartbreak.. So many of us find ourselves in similar situations were it seems the damage is done and it's too late to go back. Very well done :}

[Sunny Skye]

Emotional and nicely written. It sucks to realize that you should've said no after it's already too late. Expecially when you might just be scared to change your mind and tell him. Good write. Thank you for the amazing read! :D

-SkyeBlanco

[An owl on the moon]

Oh, what an emotionally moving, driven write... just aches with the painful realizations of a heart so full of love being cut and bruised by a user... Can feel the overwhelming darkness...

[Tasha]

Wow, this was really honest. I loved it, it is sad to know that we learn we should've said no when its really too late. Great write.